Alexey the Sinner

Now then...

2008-01-15T13:41:00.000-08:00

...So when last I posted, I was feeling unable to follow Orthodoxy for various reasons and I hadn't been to church in months.

Mostly it was the being alone part. Well, things have gotten complicated.

I don't know what kind of people you are, but some Orthodox would suck in a breath or bulge their eyes at me. Even though I can't see it, if that's what you're prone to, try to suppress the reflex.

I've got a girlfriend, but she's an Atheist.

But wait, there's more!

Her logic is that if you were going to be religious, you would have to be completely Orthodox, because either that holy book you believe in is true, or it isn't. And if it is, you are never ever allowed to change it just because you want to, like the Catholics and Protestants do.

But of course, she doesn't believe it. Didn't stop me from falling for her, but she doesn't.

So...if you're a long time reader of this blog, then you know that this has happened before. My first Girlfriend, Megan, was also an atheist. But she believed that religion was "A delusion people use because they're afraid of death."

So...in the end that one probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Lindsey, by contrast, simply disagrees with the conclusion that there is a God, but admits that it is just her opinion. Furthermore, she pointed out that if you're really an Atheist, death is nothing to be afraid of. But if you're religious, then death should scare you.

Wow! Cool eh? Consistent, well thought out logic.

If only the church would let me marry her.

When last I was still going to church it made me depressed. I would see people with their families. They had spouses and children, brothers and sisters...But not me. I was there all alone with nobody to go home to to share the struggle of the faith.
And because I wasn't married before I joined the church, I didn't even have a non-Orthodox wife for a companion. On top of which I lived alone for three years.

My sanity suffered somewhat from this.

So finally, along comes this girl and asks me out.

And the tragic irony is this: Her position on faith is infinitely more defensible than that of a Catholic girl that the Church would actually let me marry.

Anyway, that's where things are.

-Alexei

In the future...

2007-10-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

Mike, when you leave a comment, leave some way for me to communicate with you directly. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but I don't want to have to change the settings on this Blog so that only people with blogger profiles can leave a comment.

Let be say a few things about your coment real quickly: One, it's tone and tennor were arrogant to my ears. You're a fresh convert. For you, everything is in crystal clear high definition focus. I imagine the inertia of your crismation will carry you for years to come, as It did for me.

If you've read the previous few entries in this Blog, then you're aware that I'm going through a spiritual ugly patch of my life. Admonishing me to jump back in and go read some books by the saints is really, really, really not the way to go about getting me back. I don't like being lectured to. Especially not by a new convert, high on the Holy Spirit, who enjoys the comforts of having a wife.

I'm not saying this because your post wasn't what I wanted to hear, I'm saying it because it made me even angrier with religion, the church, and faith in general, just by reading it.

As I explained in previous posts, it's not that I don't understand ALL OF THAT already. It's that I don't want to go back. And people don't do things they don't want to do.

I'm no deep philosopher, but the idea of preaching at someone in pain...it seems foolish.

"Buck up, go back to the drug you were taking for all those years and the pain will go away again..."

Swing and a miss, MikeP.

-Alexion

Out of the Woodworks

2007-09-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

Come readers I didn't even know I had. Well, welcome to all of you.

I have a real knack for bitching here, so bear with me. I've got news:

I still haven't been to church in...however long. I fessed up to my priest about how I'm feeling.

And how am I feeling? Well, I have no problem whatsoever with any of the Orthodox teachings. It's just that my ability to care has been completely burned out. Allow me to illustrate this with a short play. It's called 'So What, Chicken Little?'

Chicken Little: "Alexei! Alexei! The sky is falling!"

Alexei: "Yeah, I saw it."

CL: "We must go and see the King!"

Alexei: "Yeah, probably."

CL: "Maybe you misheard me. I said the sky is falling."

Alexei: "Heard you fine. And you're right, there's a big chunk of it right there!"

CL: "Sweet God! I was hoping it was another acorn! But...there it is!"

Alexei: "You called it."

CL: "Your flat affect is a little disturbing."

Alexei: "It used to disturb me too, then I got tired."

CL: "So...sky...falling...we're going to go see the King, right?"

Alexei: "I'm tired CL"

CL: "Tired of what?"

Alexei: "Running. I can't keep up anymore."

CL: "But...that's the only thing there is to do!"

Alexei: "True. But I'm tired."

CL: "Tired of battling for your life? Then you'll die!"

Alexei: "Pay more attention. I wasn't doing to hot when I was really trying."

CL: "But it's the fact that you're trying at all that counts!"

Alexei: "Trying sucks ass. And it has been doing so for a long, long time."

CL: "So what will you do?"

Alexei: "No idea. But I can't keep running the race, I'm worn out."

CL: "How did that happen?"

Alexei: "I think it was because the race was all I ever had. Other people were taking breaks now and then, just pretending the race didn't exist for a while, whenever the race was inconvenient, and then they jumped back into it. So they were rested up."

CL: "But they were never supposed to stop running!"

Alexei: "That's what I thought. So I didn't. I kept running. I got tired, and they didn't."

CL: "But Alexei, they didn't really get rested up. Stopping the race like that just made them fall back behind. Even if you were falling on your ass ever six seconds, at least you were still running."

Alexei: "But you're forgetting something CL. Humans live inside their minds. If they think they're rested up, then they're rested up. They don't begrudge the difficult parts of Orthodoxy as much because, every once in a while, they take a 'vacation' from it. It's bogus logic, but...most of them still go to church."

CL: "You don't go anymore?"

Alexei: "I can't focus on it while I'm there, and it's painful to see all the families together. I don't have anything like that myself. But I think this state of things is my fault anyway."

CL: "How do you work that out?"

Alexei: "Well CL, it's like this. I tried to do too much. I think I took on a bigger challenge than I was ready for. I tried to do everything %100 for a while with no compromises and all the works. I had myself totally convinced that any deviation from Orthodoxy, however slight, was unacceptable, given that I knew better."

CL: "So...you never head of the Church's economy? How it tries to meet people halfway on account of plain old human weakness?"

Alexei: "I thought it only did that for people who honestly believed that the Church was wrong about something. That you had to somehow earnestly believe that what you were doing was right. I believed that the church had it all right. So since I knew better, I had no excuses for not doing everything exactly as prescribed."

CL: "...God you're messed up."

Alexei: "In retrospect yes. Here I thought that simply knowing what the truth is would give you the power to live it."

CL: "You need the church for that."

Alexei: "Ah, yes. But other people have churches as well. Heretics, apostates, infidels...even Atheists in a way. And a nasty thought occurred to me."

CL: "And?"

Alexei: "It occurred to me that 900 people drank the Kool-Aid."

CL: "You've lost me."

Alexei: "Jim Jones, leader of The Peoples Temple back in the seventies. They committed mass suicide in Guyana, Africa with poisoned Kool-Aid."

CL: "I think I see where you're going."

Alexei: "Go for it."

CL: "If a religious leader can convince people to do that, then they can convince people to believe in anything. Even what you believe."

Alexei: "That's almost exactly what I mean. The idea is what psychologists call 'reinforcement'. Simply by saying something over and over again, you'll believe it more and more."

CL: "You think you were brain washing yourself?"

Alexei: "Not quite. I came to Orthodoxy after a long period of research. The piece of shit 'church' I was in before that was a hell of a lot easier to live in that Orthodoxy is. Nobody cared about confessions, there was no fasting etc... I voluntarily put myself into something much more stringent and difficult, just based on reading, and the premise that Christianity is true."

CL: "And?"

Alexei: "If they only reason I had any drive to keep going to church, is because I kept going to church...how am I supposed to manifest any enthusiasm whatsoever for going back now? I just don't care anymore."

CL: "How long has this been going on?"

Alexei: "I'm not sure. For a while I forced myself to keep going on the logic that 'I'll go to hell if I don't'. Then I got angry at God for holding a gun to my head. 'Adhere to these rules or you'll burn in an eternal sea of my love that you rendered yourself incapable of co-existing with.'"

CL: "So you've been anesthetized against feeling anything regarding religion?"

Alexei: "I think so, yes. Something in me is broken CL."

CL: "Everyone is broken Alexei."

Alexei: "Yeah, but mine is really hard to fix. My motivation is broken. Everything else gets fixed by having motivation to do something about it. But my ability to care is literally exhausted. Whatever it takes to care about this stuff anymore...I ran out of it."

CL: "And you can't go get more because going to church is, more or less, an act of self brainwashing?"

Alexei: "No. It's more like a painkiller. Going to church kills the pain of living in the world and trying to adhere to Orthodox restrictions. But the pain always comes back. It was the endless repetitive cycle that I got sick of. That and, being lonely and single sucks ass."

CL: "You seem to think a lot of things 'suck ass'."

Alexei: "It's just an expression. Should I change it and use something else?"

CL: "No, no. It's nicely descriptive."

Alexei: "Anyway. People who have a family, a spouse, all that good stuff...they've got something to balm the pain that comes from the difficulty of living an orthodox life."

CL: "So, these people that have family and kids, their ability to care doesn't get burned out because they have something around to help keep them strong, and they have a real benefit of the Orthodox life right in front of them."

Alexei: "Exactly."

CL: "But you don't have these things, so you won't do it anymore."

Alexei: "Not won't. Can't. Literally can not do it anymore. Like I said, even when I'm there, it just painful to see other people with their families that they get so much joy out of, and the rest of the time I can't concentrate."

CL: "Wow. That sucks Alexei."

Alexei: "Thanks for understanding."

CL: "I still want to keep running though."

Alexei: "And you should. I would, except, like I said...I'm all tired out man."

CL: "I hope you can catch back up."

Alexei: "Me too. God Bless you CL."

CL: "And you as well, Alexei."

------------------------------------------------------

So, that about sums up my state of mind at the moment.

-Alexei

My Goodness...

2007-09-18T23:22:00.000-07:00

...Look at that last post! I do seem to be having a shitty month. Maybe I should go to church again. It's been....however long. I think I've technically excommunicated myself at this point. Wait. that only takes 3 weeks with no communion. Which, come to think of it, was about how often I was getting it before summer when I kind of stopped going to church because of my summer job.

The entire idea of this experiment, the blog I mean, was to be totally, and even uninhibitedly honest. To do so where other Orthodox Christians could read it, and see what they though of it.

But I don't see anyone else doing it. Aren't we accountable for everything we do before God? If that's the case, why aren't other people doing what I'm doing?

Honesty is supposed to be good. But when you tell people the truth, and they don't like what they hear, you don't get credit for being honest, you get ditched. So the take away message seems to be, don't be honest.
Nah. That's just cynical.

If I'm supposed to be honest about what I'm feeling and thinking...and that honesty reveals things that make people not want to help me...how am I supposed to get any better?

Well how about that.

2007-09-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

I remember once, a while back, some one commended me on the fact that I was unwilling to leave someone ignorant about me. This person knew that if I had an issue, or I was struggling with something, I felt that people deserved to know about it

Same person subsequently refused to help me out with something because of stuff they knew about me because of that policy of compete disclosure.

"It's awesome that you're so honest, that's really inspiring. But, um, since I do know about this...I feel like I shouldn't help you on this thing."

It was a simple request. Something you would do for people, giving them the benefit of the doubt. A stranger, about whom he knew nothing, who had no policy of disclosure, would have gotten this minor favor out of him.

But because he knew something that I had admitted, even though it wasn't directly related to what I was asking for, he refused to help me. But he thought my honesty was 'inspiring'.

It sort of makes me want to tell people in general to 'fuck off.'

A difficult thing to ask for.

2007-07-28T14:08:00.000-07:00

I had a monk staying with me these past four days.

I told him how frustrated I was still being alone after however many years it's been now. Not as long as it feels like, I will admit. And he told me that unless I was at the point where I was willing to do things for God's sake alone, do things solely because I understand it to be what Christ would want, because I love Him, that nothing else would make me happy anyway.

I told him that having a companion would certainly alleviate some of the loneliness. He said that while loneliness is certainly suffering, and very difficult to deal with, you would have to be at a point where the love of Christ is all that motivates you to do anything in the first place before you could be happy even in a marriage.

The lowest form of love/fear of God is: I need this, please help me.

The middle form is: This is the right thing to do, because you said so.

The highest form is: I will do this because I love you.

Very well, I can see how that works now.

I understand that Orthodoxy is the truth. I understand that it needs to be followed because that is the right thing to do. Now I need to follow it for the love of Christ, not merely because it is correct.

It's the difference between needing music, supporting your local orchestra, and actually learning an instrument.

The musician plays because he loves music.
The Christian worships because he loves God.

I have been worshiping out of an earnest belief that it is the correct thing, unto itself, to do. While I am doing it, there are moments when I feel an earnest and sober joy from being there. Which, I suppose, is the love of God.

So I need to learn to love God without expectation.

I want to do that.

What I've worked out in my head is that you really do need to be willing to give up everything between you and the Lord. And then once you have, you will get everything back. Scripture says that we will.

I keep wondering, 'how much is enough?' and instantly realizing that even wondering that is wrong. You aren't expected to become perfect before gifts and blessings will rain down on you, you are expected to want to be perfect, for His sake. Then, and only then, when that is your hearts true desire, is it productive, and indeed, Holy, for you to move on with your life.

So that's what I need to do.

Alright, I know that now. And I want to do it.

Yeah, that'll show em!

2007-07-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

An atheist group at the University of San Antonio is offering porn in exchange for bibles.

Quoth a student member of the 'Atheist Agenda': "We consider the bible to be a very negative force in the history of the world".

But magazines that sexually objectify women by showing them getting ejaculated on A-OK!

I love the logic!

Yes, people have murdered, raped, pillaged, and produced Christian Rock, all fueled by their personal interpretations of the bible.

People have also sacrificed their lives to save others, given money to help the poor, ditched drugs, and built cathedrals because of what they got out of the bible.

I love it when a simpleton with a big mouth starts spouting off in public. It's easy fodder for a guy like me who LOVES to skewer assholes that revel in their own inconsistency.

I would LOVE to see them try this shit with the Torah, or the Koran, or the Bhagavad Gita.

They would never DARE do this to the Jews, Muslims, Hindus or Buddhists.

Try as I might I cannot think of a word in common usage that means 'defaming Christians'. Maybe we need one.

-Alexion

You're not supposed to bitch.

2007-07-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

If a man demandeth your purse, give him also your coat.

So we are commanded by God.

Well, I was hardly getting robbed, but I felt like I was getting screwed.

It all started with my car making some bad noise. The 'service engine soon' light went on in my dash. The engine had been sounding louder than normal for a while, like it was working harder than it should have to. But...nothing was not working, so I figured I just needed an oil change. Apparently, not the case.

Now the engine feels like it's shaking when I get up to speed, and it's even louder than it was before the oil change. And, of course, that little darling of a light is on. This is bad news. Mostly because, I'm a student, and I'm frigging broke all the time.

So spending a thousand dollars (I'm guessing wildly) on fixing my car is not an option. At all.

So I do what I have to do. I call my dad and tell him I'm going to need some help. I'm in the middle of work at Barnes and Noble, so I have to make the call quick. I call him back when I'm on a break. He assures me that they'll always help me, this time included, but that this is independence day, and that that should be a theme for me now. That I need to keep up a job on the side (along with school) to help pay for stuff like this.

Well, forgive me, it wasn't like I wasn't keeping busy. But moving on.

I tell him that I get the message loud and clear. We hang up.

I am, shall we say, a little pissed of by what he has just said to me.

Sounds ungrateful, doesn't it? I sound spoiled, don't I? Just because I'm in grad school, and therefore poor, doesn't mean I should expect mom and dad to dig me out of a hole with my car. Or that they should be happy about it if they do decide to help. Because, like, they have no obligation of course.

Well, not completely. As my parents, they are who I have to turn to.

And then, there's the fact that my dad was talking directly out of his ass.

What does that mean?

There are a few things you should know:

1. My parents did not pay for my college education. My grandparents did.

2. These are the same grandparents, that paid for my PARENTS college education. That's right. My grandparents put TWO generations of their families through college.

2B. They themselves were taking financial assistance from their parents until they were almost my age.

3. When my dad was FORTY YEARS OLD. He went back to school to get his MBA (Masters in Business Administration).

3B. His father paid for his tuition.

3C. His father gave him money for us to live on while he was taking classes. All in all, Graduate school cost my father almost no money whatsoever.

4. A few years before my dad went back to school, when he was unemployed for nine months, searching for a job, my mothers mother helped us out with money. He was Thirty-Eight years old at the time.

5. When I graduated from High School, I needed a car. My paternal Grandpa bought me one. New. My parents paid nothing for it. They did pay the insurance.

6. When my sister went to West Point military academy, all the way across the country (we lived in Arizona), my dad shelled out thousands of dollars getting us all plane tickets and hotel rooms to go and visit as often as we could. By contrast, I went to school in Tucson and I drove home for dinner every few weeks when they nagged me for a visit.

7. While my sister was a student, they flew her home whenever she wanted. This cost a lot of money.

7B. They also flew her FRIENDS for free. That's right, they gave away at least twenty free plane tickets to friends of my sister over the course of her years at West Point.

8. One year, when my sister met her future husband, she maxed out a credit card (several thousand dollars) buying plane tickets to go and visit him. For Christmas that year, they paid off her Visa.

A brief aside about my family dynamic. It simply never occured to me to run up a credit card bill buying plane tickets I couldn't afford. And if I'd asked for them from my parents, I think I would have gotten maybe one ticket, and then I would have gotten laughed at.

Kindall was a hellraiser. She was a mean, viscious person. And when she was being peaceful, my parents would do anything, pay out any money, to keep her that way as long as possible.

9. My brother treats our parents like dog shit. He screams at them, he calls them obscene names, he disrespects them at every opportunity. In fact, he goes out of his way to create opportunities to give them grief. He will proudly admit to this.

9B. My parents are currently paying $30,000.00 per year to send him to Oregon State University, so he can train with the best pole vault coach in the country. He is in his second year. They have not taken out a loan. They paid cash. =$60,000.00

10. Just because I remembered it. About six years ago, my parents got their carpet ripped up and replaced with stone tile and hardwood. It cost them $20,000.00. Later that year when I asked for help with buying BOOKS FOR SCHOOL. I got yelled at and asked:

"When is this not our expense anymore?"

11. My sister recently got married. Our parents gave her and her husband the family pool table (I was fine with that, they have a house, it's a good place for it).

11B. They also spent $5,000.00 buying them a brand new top of the line washer/dryer set.

So, Understand me when I say. I was a little pissed off at what my father had to say.

They have taken care of me in many ways. They have always paid my car insurance, for one thing. They helped me get a new computer that I needed for school, they've helped me keep my car up and running.

BUT THINK FOR A SECOND.

It sure seems like the things I ask for are, well, essential to my continued survival.

And when you ring up the pricetag, I may not have been cheap, but I was one hell of a lot cheaper than either my brother or my sister. Both of whom have a history of treating our parents like shit.

For the record, my sister has since stopped doing that and turned into a warm, loving human being. Falling in love will do awesome things for your disposition.

But anyway.

If a man demandeth your purse, give him also the coat off your back.

By God's rules, we are not supposed to complain when we are mistreated. We are not even supposed to ask for help, really, except from God.

But here I was, way the hell out in Buffalo, with a car that seemed about to die.

Given the ocean of cash my parents have poured out on my brother and sister, the expense I was asking for help with seemed paltry. Minor. Insignificant.

But I don't ask for help often. With my brother (and only formerly) my sister, the requests were numerous, and large.

So on the rare occasions when I asked for something, it was a big deal. Why the hell can't he take care of himself?

A few weeks ago my father told me that I needed to stay in school and finish the PhD no matter what. Now, he's saying I need to keep up a job on the side as well.

Pardon my language. But that is fucking amazing to me.

So I called home and made my case to my mother. And guess what? I'm covered for whatever it takes to fix the car, and she deemed me to be %100 correct in my assessment of the situation!

She even apologized for the fact that I had to even make the case in the first place.

I love my mom. We haven't always gotten along, but she always does listen to logic.

But wasn't I supposed to just...not complain? Wasn't I supposed to just have faith? Isn't it a Biblical precept that I should have taken the mistreatment and asked God to bless them?

What should I have done? Seriously, you guys tell me. Should I have not complained about the unfairness of the disparity? Or was what I did at least acceptable.

E-mail

2007-06-27T12:39:00.001-07:00

megax_@rocketmail.com

Clair, drop me a line please.

So how did you find this?

2007-06-26T13:12:00.000-07:00

Clair, my memory is crappy, did I tell you about this Blog? I probably did and I just don't remember. But anyway, remind me how you came to know about it.

Will the mystery guest please sign in.

2007-06-19T00:31:00.001-07:00

I can only remember one person ever giving me a bottle of scotch. And that was back when I lived in Tucson. From a friend (American) who went to the same college as Prince Harry. Very nice girl.

Hello again, Clair.

Cryptic phrases, well wishes, and the status quo

2007-06-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

So, I made a promise that I'd get to church every weekend from now on. And, of course, immediately after that happened something got in the way. And I used it as a partial excuse not to go.

What happened was that I had to work all Saturday. So, I couldn't get to confession. No confession equals no communion on Sunday. So why bother going? After all, I was tired anyway and I had to work on Sunday as well, bolting from the service as soon as I possibly could in order to make it to my shift.

This has got to stop.

One last issue:

Someone, I don't know who, gave me a nice complement on here the other day. It was a little vague, but that's cool. Just one thing, for the record, my drink is Vodka.

Having your cake or eating it.

2007-05-30T20:59:00.000-07:00

A woman has been removed as the organist and choir director of her Catholic parish because she refused to quit her job as a sales rep for a sex toy company.

Everybody here knows that I'm not Catholic. But there are times when I will defend them to the death. This is one of those times.

In the article it is revealed that the woman had a brain tumor. The tumor and the treatment left her 'sexually dysfunctional'. So she became a sales rep for a sex toy company called "Pure Romance".

Pure Romance is a company that sells sex toys the way they used to sell Tupperware. They have a bunch of women gather at someones home and the sales rep brings in a bunch of samples, and they all place orders. She said that she wanted to help other women like her overcome sexual dysfunction....by selling them sex toys? Wait a second. Wait. Sex toys? There is a way in which a dildo or a vibrator can correct sexual dysfunction?

For the sake of argument lets assume she is talking about Anorgasmia. Anorgasmia is a condition where people have difficulty reaching orgasm even when they have proper stimulation.

So by helping women buy sex toys, she is helping them have orgasms. Sounds reasonable. Unless of course you belong to a religion that says that masturbation is wrong.

Here again I find myself asking a very specific question: If you disagree with the Catholic church and you think that masturbation is A-OK...why in the hell would you keep going to a Catholic church?

Why would you choose to remain in a religion that you disagree with?

Then the woman says how shocked she was that she was told to resign from the sex toy company. Hello? Roman Catholic church? You were surprised that the priest disapproved of you selling dildos at house parties?

Then, and this is absolutely priceless, when she was told to resign from either the choir or the sex toy company, she had this to say:

"After I got over the initial shock, I prayed over this a long time," she said. "I feel that Pure Romance is my ministry."

A dildo company is your Roman Catholic ministry?

This woman needs to be a writer for South Park. But wait! There's more!

"Father Dean made it sound so sinful," she said. "There is so much more to this business than toys."

Father Dean made it sound sinful? No, the bible did that. He was just quoting. If you disagree with his position that selling dildos is against Christianity, why are you upset about not working there? Wouldn't it be good for you to go somewhere where people agree with you?

Some people.

Make no mistake, I am far from sexually pure. But I regard my lustful actions as being wrong, and I try not to repeat them. But lady, you cannot possibly sell dildos and claim to be a Roman Catholic. Sorry, it doesn't work. You do not get to define the faith all by yourself.

-Alexion

Back and forth

2007-05-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

Sinning makes me not want to go to liturgy...which is the only thing that helps prevent future sinning...

So how am I supposed to get any better if I don't go? What kind of logic is "I'll go once I've had a decent week".

It's bullshit logic, since (for the purposes of this hypothetical question) you ask. I won't get anywhere without going anywhere. Gee. That was catchy. And it was inane enough to be on a keychain.

I won't achieve a life pleasing to God and peaceful for myself without going to God and making myself his Son.

Nothing will happen while I fester here without changing.

Gandhi said: "We must be the change we wish to see in the world."

OK, if I want an Orthodox wife, then I have to be an Orthodox man. And not a whiny jackass.

The disheartening thing about that is that even if I succeed in not being a God pleasing not-whiny-jackass kind of man, it doesn't mean I'll get to get married. I just means it will be possible where it wasn't before.

I debate if I should write about this, but I will do it and hope it isn't wrong. For the first time ever a few weeks ago I prayed for God's will do be done in my life regardless of anything I wanted for myself. It was liberating.

I felt clean like I hadn't felt in forever. I haven't stopped wanting the things that I want, but...I'm beginning to make some progress on accepting God's will instead of my own. It's very, very hard. Please keep praying for me.

And if it's somehow possible that there is time left over after praying for my salvation, pray that I become a real Orthodox man in the process, and that I become qualified for those things that an Orthodox man might be granted. Whatever that be in the eyes of God.

Thanks, Alexei

The Finer Points

2007-05-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

I wonder what it was that was different for me than for other people that I've known.

When I was younger, I was operating under an assumption that there were some things I simply wasn't going to have. In high school, the idea of asking a girl out was so absurd that I virtually never tried it. Certainly I was one of the geeks, there can't be any question of that, but even some of them, in spite of their geekish likes and dislikes were socially normative kids.

I feel the need here to make it clear that this is an attempt at a reflective analysis, and not a 'misery me' post or some kind of a bitch fest.

But the thing that I'm wondering is, where did I miss the finer points of how normal people do it? I was around them, I admired their functionality, and I wanted the relationships they had. So how did I fail to absorb their methods? Even today there are things absent from my life that seem to be normal in other people.

Logically it works out to being the sum of my non-normative likes and dislikes, and the fact that I've always been something of a loner. But being alone sucks for me the same way it does for anyone else (the hermits notwithstanding), so why didn't I adapt? Hell, animals don't put up with things that cause them pain, why in the hell didn't I change my patterns?

Operant conditioning works. If you put a rat in a cage and you electrify part of the floor the rat moves to the other side.

Part of me wonders this: Precisely what in the hell would I do if a single Orthodox woman showed up at my parish next week?

I know this particular hypothetical scenario requires some imagination but bear with me.

So lets say she shows up for liturgy and stays for the food afterwards.

I have to admit I'm stumped at this point because there is one thing I've learned. Painfully.

Eagerness is bad. If you look, smell, walk, talk, or act eager, you've instantly failed a one time only must-pass test. I have blown more than one first impression this way. Ruining a first impression is an un-fixable error. That person will never really be comfortable around you again, and they probably won't trust you either. This is Gospel.

So you have to strike the critical balance. You have to walk the knifes edge. You must somehow convey that you are interested, but not be eager.

How in the hell do you do that?

You don't ask someone on a date that you're barely interested in. Isn't it obvious that you must want the person if you ask them out?

I really, really don't understand this.

-Alexei

Wow.

2007-05-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

I really need to learn to not write Blog entries when I'm feeling emotional. Seriously. Never write anything that will be visible to the public when you aren't clear headed.

I'll endeavor to not do that again.

-Alexei

Every time.

2007-05-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

It happens every time. When I come to write here, I'm always in turmoil. And I always start by dumping something highly toxic onto this page and then revamping it into something civilized.

Well, let me lay it out for you.

I'm screamingly fed up with it. I'm ragingly angry and frustrated and I'm beginning to hate being Orthodox.

This is why: I'm alone. It sucks more than I can describe. I don't get to be with anyone, because there just aren't any Orthodox girls even roughly my age. So, I have to go through life without a companion because if I marry outside the church, I get excommunicated, which means no more sacraments, which means I go to hell.

Wonderful situation eh?

I'm frustrated and I'm angry and I'm having trouble dealing with YET ANOTHER YEAR of being single, celibate and lonely. I want it to end. And it is just not happening for me.

I'm having trouble wanting to love God. Intellectually I know God has nothing to do with my situation. It's not His doing that there are very few Orthodox in America. It's not His fault. And the rules are the rules but...

Practically everyone I know got married before they became Orthodox. It was easier for them.

I can't even write coherently right now. God, pelase, end this. One way or the other, end this please. I can't do this. I can't go on like this. I've been doing it for too long. You Yourself said that it is not good for the man to be alone. So end this. In the name of Your pronounced Will for the human race end this aloneness that I am aflicted with. Send me someone, please, because I can't do this alone anymore.

Incoherently yours, Alexei

Well...it didn't work.

2007-05-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

A second ago, I wrote a frustration fueled rant. I deleeted it, this is not the place for those kinds of things. But I will give a brief report.

It didn't work. There were no unmarried girls my age (or close to it) at the Antiochian church. In theory the priest has a daughter, but I never saw her in four visits to the place.

To compound matters, I basically don't know anyone there. How then did I make my observations? Well...the young ones were obviously young, the older ones were likewise. And the married ones all had rings. Believe me, I looked. Having been non-consensually celibate for years now...I've developed a laser like ability to spot a wedding band at a hundred paces. My eyes involuntarily seek out a woman's left hand when I meet her for the first time.

...God that was pathetic to write that. But, in the name of honesty, I feel compelled to leave it there. It is, after all, the truth.

Lord God Almighty of heaven, help me find what will set me at peace and bring me joy. I don't want to be a monk.

-Alexion

I went on a rant

2007-03-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

I went on a rant at my other web journal. It's laden (if not laced) with profanity, so I'll just summarize it here.

I wrote it in response to a cnn.com article about what a big hardship it is going to be for college women now that the cost of birth control pills is going to triple because the government isn't reimbursing the drug companies anymore for selling them cheap.

It pissed me off. So I went on a rant. The long and short of it was that nobody has a right to birth control in the first place, so hearing people whine about how much money it was going to cost them to have consequence free sex made me want to break something.

The Hermit

2007-03-03T05:26:00.000-08:00

The Hermit is an anonymous poster that reminded me of the fact that I have a Blog.

Oh I hadn't totally forgotten, but neither was it on my mind. This person said they missed me posting. Wow. OK, I'll certainly do a post.

Being single sucks.

These three words express volumes of my personal situation. I am a grad student, I get paid to go to school, I eat pretty well...things are great. But I'm single. There are no Orthodox girls my age in this city that I know. I suppose I could go church hopping, and hit the other Orthodox churches in the area and see if anyone is there, and I suppose that ultimately that is what I will have to do. This is a somewhat distasteful idea, because I don't know anyone at any of the other churches. So this will involve being, I fear, somewhat blatant.

My continual prayer for the last few months has been for my being single to end. With a vengeance. I cannot know God's mind nor His thoughts as to what precisely is the best thing for me, but this life is getting hard to live alone. I've been single forever. It's time for it to end, or for me to be struck with the absolutely overpowering desire to be a monk.

I really do not want to be a monk.

The odd thing about this Blog is that there isn't much in the way of Orthodox arguments that are required. Everyone, or nearly everyone, that would read this post gets the idea that I cannot and will not marry a non-Orthodox. According to the church such a marriage is, in fact, definitionally impossible. Marriage is a sacrament. The sacrament of marriage cannot exist between an Orthodox and a Non-Orthodox.

Two non-orthodox of course, can marry. But we say it is not a sacramental marriage. That being said, all the lucky bastards who got married FIRST and THEN became Orthodox did not have this difficult situation.

They got hitched back when they were legitimately ignorant of the importance of marrying within your own church. Or simply by getting married before discovering Orthodoxy, they had a bigger pool of people to choose from.

I, for my part, would be grateful for one.

Bah! I'm sounding bitter. It's only because I am bitter, but I oughtn't spew that at God. It would, to say the least, not accomplish very much.

So, all of you that may read this. Pray for me. I'm tired of going it alone, and I want to get married.

Amen.

-Alexion

Quotes That Apply to Today:

2006-08-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

“The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence”

“How fortunate for leaders that men do not think.”

“I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator”

“I use emotion for the many and reserve reason for the few”

“Sooner will a camel pass through a needle's eye than a great man be "discovered" by an election”

--Hitler

Withdrawal

2006-08-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

So, I went and installed a very effective program on my computer to knock out my porn habbit. It works. In order to circumvent it I would have to totally uninstall it, remove it entirely. I admit to having tested it's limits and found them to be quite strong. I didn't do anything, after all, I couldn't. I've never been psysiologically addicted to something like alcohol or niccotine, but the cravings seem difficult to ignore. Reading a book helps, having something constructive to do helps, but mostly the accountability helps. I told an old friend of mine and a reader of this Blog that hopefully one day I'd be at a point where I didn't need self imposed Big Brother, but I'm not there yet. Well, much a Saul did, today I "Kicked against the pricks", and found myself unable to resist them after all, I did what I was supposed to do, but having the barrier in place was essential.

I suppose this is what withdrawal is like. I liken it to niccotine withdrawal because the cravings do seem to go away if you can only just fight them for a while. That's how I've heard it described by people who've quite smoking. I need strength, I need power, and most of all I need an overwhelming desire to do the right thing, but that involves getting off my ass. And mustering the willpower to constructively DO something may be the only thing more difficult than mustering the will to NOT do something, I.E. porn.

I think it'll take a while to be truly greatful that I'm on this wagon, but I believe it will come. The shame that comes from indulging in it, and the release that comes with confession, those are extremes that illuminate the middle path. You merely need to not commit sins in order to keep clean, it is once you have sinned and defiled yourself that you must go above and beyond the basline requirements, rise that much higher than you delved low in order to clean yourself and restore sanctity.

Well, I've started at it anyway.

Father, walk with me. Amen.

Alexion

Personal Responsability Surrenders!

2006-07-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

In an effort to make sex an even more consequence free activity, the FDA is now moving to have the so called, 'morning after pill' or the 'plan B' pill, available over the counter to women over the age of 18.

Yes, you too can remove from your live all of those annoying things that come naturally with being a human, like the ability to concieve! What a headache!

Click here for the article.

Also, aparently, the menstral cycle is obselete. It's absurd that a woman should have a period. Why, some people just don't have them at all anymore!

This. Article. Is. Awsome.

2006-07-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Click Here

I must admit...

2006-07-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

There are certain things in life that provide me with a certain visceral glee, or joy.

One of them was Brokeback Mountain's defeat at the academy awards. Not just because I didn't like the premise, which I didn't, I'll admit, but because of all of the HOOPLAH BABY! It was SUCH a big deal. Everyone mooning over what a groundbreaking film it was. About how someone had finally made a really good movie about a love story between two men. And how sweet and tender and heartbreaking it was.

What really got me angry was the straight guy bashing that went on while the movie was having it's run. There were columnists (more women than men that I saw) who were writing things to the effect of "Guys, you just need to get over the fact that it's a gay love story, and deal with it. Go see it, and when your wife or girlfriend falls in love with the main characters, understand her."

It made me sick. So, you're not allowed to be uncomfortable with certain material? You're not allowed to disapprove of certain lifestyles? You're allowed to be respected for being gay, but not for thinking that being gay is not OK?

And so the academy awards came. And Crash saved us from and endless glut of triumphal crowing that would have pissed me off to no end. Hallelujah! A vindication for Gay men and women everywhere! They would have said. Proof that anyone who thinks that homosexuality is wrong is some kind of a bigot!

I honestly don't care very much if this person or that person is Gay. It mostly happens a very long way away from me and has no impact on my life, nor do I have the time to think about it, but c'mon already, it's ok to be homosexual, but not to disapprove of homosexuality? What I hate most of all is that this whole incident actually lends a teensy little bit of credibility to the barbarous, incendiary, bigoted, Big Brother mouthpieces such as Ann Colture, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilley and the like. This makes people like them look like they aren't the psychotic party line spewing tools that they are. I hate it! They are incidentally correct and ...ARGHHHH!!!!

But what, you ask, warmed the cockles of my heart? This rant by Annie Prolux the author of Brokeback Mountain.

It read thusly:

On the sidewalk stood hordes of the righteous, some leaning forward like wind-bent grasses, the better to deliver their imprecations against gays and fags to the open windows of the limos - the windows open by order of the security people - creeping toward the Kodak Theater for the 78th Academy Awards. Others held up sturdy, professionally crafted signs expressing the same hatred.

The red carpet in front of the theatre was larger than the Red Sea. Inside, we climbed grand staircases designed for showing off dresses. The circular levels filled with men in black, the women mostly in pale, frothy gowns. Sequins, diamonds, glass beads, trade beads sparkled like the interior of a salt mine. More exquisite dresses appeared every moment, some made from six yards of taffeta, and many with sweeping trains that demanded vigilance from strolling attendees lest they step on a mermaid's tail. There was one man in a kilt - there is always one at award ceremonies - perhaps a professional roving Scot hired to give color to the otherwise monotone showing of clustered males. Larry McMurtry defied the dress code by wearing his usual jeans and cowboy boots.

The people connected with Brokeback Mountain, including me, hoped that, having been nominated for eight Academy awards, it would get Best Picture as it had at the funny, lively Independent Spirit awards the day before. (If you are looking for smart judging based on merit, skip the Academy Awards next year and pay attention to the Independent Spirit choices.) We should have known conservative heffalump academy voters would have rather different ideas of what was stirring contemporary culture. Roughly 6,000 film industry voters, most in the Los Angeles area, many living cloistered lives behind wrought-iron gates or in deluxe rest-homes, out of touch not only with the shifting larger culture and the yeasty ferment that is America these days, but also out of touch with their own segregated city, decide which films are good. And rumour has it that Lions Gate inundated the academy voters with DVD copies of Trash - excuse me - Crash a few weeks before the ballot deadline. Next year we can look to the awards for controversial themes on the punishment of adulterers with a branding iron in the shape of the letter A, runaway slaves, and the debate over free silver.

After a good deal of standing around admiring dresses and sucking up champagne, people obeyed the stentorian countdown commands to get in their seats as "the show" was about to begin. There were orders to clap and the audience obediently clapped. From the first there was an atmosphere of insufferable self-importance emanating from "the show" which, as the audience was reminded several times, was televised and being watched by billions of people all over the world. Those lucky watchers could get up any time they wished and do something worthwhile, like go to the bathroom. As in everything related to public extravaganzas, a certain soda pop figured prominently. There were montages, artfully meshed clips of films of yesteryear, live acts by Famous Talent, smart-ass jokes by Jon Stewart who was witty and quick, too witty, too quick, too eastern perhaps for the somewhat dim LA crowd. Both beautiful and household-name movie stars announced various prizes. None of the acting awards came Brokeback's way, you betcha. The prize, as expected, went to Philip Seymour Hoff-man for his brilliant portrayal of Capote, but in the months preceding the awards thing, there has been little discussion of acting styles and various approaches to character development by this year's nominees. Hollywood loves mimicry, the conversion of a film actor into the spittin' image of a once-living celeb. But which takes more skill, acting a person who strolled the boulevard a few decades ago and who left behind tapes, film, photographs, voice recordings and friends with strong memories, or the construction of characters from imagination and a few cold words on the page? I don't know. The subject never comes up. Cheers to David Strathairn, Joaquin Phoenix and Hoffman, but what about actors who start in the dark?

Everyone thanked their dear old mums, scout troop leaders, kids and consorts. More commercials, more quick wit, more clapping, beads of sweat, Stewart maybe wondering what evil star had lighted his way to this labor. Despite the technical expertise and flawlessly sleek set evocative of 1930s musicals, despite Dolly Parton whooping it up and Itzhak Perlman blending all the theme music into a single performance (he represented "culchah"), there was a kind of provincial flavor to the proceedings reminiscent of a small-town talent-show night. Clapping wildly for bad stuff enhances this. There came an atrocious act from Hustle and Flow, Three 6 Mafia's violent rendition of "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp", a favorite with the audience who knew what it knew and liked. This was a big winner, a bushel of the magic gold-coated gelded godlings going to the rap group.

The hours sped by on wings of boiler plate. Brokeback's first award was to Argentinean Gustavo Santaolalla for the film's plangent and evocative score. Later came the expected award for screenplay adaptation to Diana Ossana and Larry McMurtry, and only a short time later the director's award to Ang Lee. And that was it, three awards, putting it on equal footing with King Kong. When Jack Nicholson said best picture went to Crash, there was a gasp of shock, and then applause from many - the choice was a hit with the home team since the film is set in Los Angeles. It was a safe pick of "controversial film" for the heffalumps.

After three-and-a-half hours of butt-numbing sitting we stumbled away, down the magnificent staircases, and across the red carpet. In the distance men were shouting out limousine numbers, "406 . . . 27 . . . 921 . . . 62" and it seemed someone should yell "Bingo!" It was now dark, or as dark as it gets in the City of Angels. As we waited for our number to be called we could see the enormous lighted marquee across the street announcing that the "2006 Academy Award for Best Picture had gone to Crash". The red carpet now had taken on a different hue, a purple tinge.

The source of the colour was not far away. Down the street, spreading its baleful light everywhere, hung a gigantic, vertical, electric-blue neon sign spelling out S C I E N T O L O G Y.

"Seven oh six," bawled the limo announcer's voice. Bingo.

For those who call this little piece a Sour Grapes Rant, play it as it lays.

-------------------------------------------------------

Something about her hideously immature reaction made me feel extremely good. Winning an argument is not satisfying to some people unless the person you're winning against is reacting poorly. It's the act of 'getting to them' and causing them to have an uncontrolled emotional reaction which is the real victory, and you know it. So here was Annie Prolux having just such a reaction, and to me, it made the world a better place.

It's wrong of me I'm sure, but that's how it happened.

Happy Birthday To Me.

2006-06-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'm 25 today!

Statistically this means that: My testosterone has dropped from it's peak levels that it reached when I was eighteen, by almost half.

My insurance rates are going to go down.

And...who knows what else.

It's alwo true that I've lived 25 years without anyone really dying on me =)

Heres to 26!

MUA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

2006-05-21T05:35:00.000-07:00

I FOUND IT!!! At long last I found it!

The greatest episode of Celebrity Deathmatch EVER!!!!!

This is for all of you who despise pop music and the obnoxious purveyors and creators thereof!!

WATCH IT NOW!!!

A couple more things...

2006-05-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

I have a hangover. Not a huge one, but the worst I've ever personally had. Which is strange considering I didn't drink a ton of alcohol. More than I usually have, certianly, but no huge amount. It was doubtless the mixture of wine and beer that did it. The great irony of alcohol for me is that consumption of too much of it means that you wake up early the next morning. Happens ever time. Which is to say, it's happened all three or four times, but still.

I'm going into the lab for the first time in a week to actually do some work today. I need to crunch some numbers and plan some experiments.

Also, CNN.com reports that 'The Da Vinci Code' is aparently a crappy movie. This makes me happy on many levels. At this point, it's not even so much the misrepresentation of Christianity visa vie the total absence of the Orthodox perspective in Dan Browns book, as it is the fact that it's so damn popular. I worked in a bookstore for five and a half years and I swear the hardback never left the top ten until recently, when it's own paperback was finally released. Anything this popular, with the exception of Harry Potter, is something I dislike. And it pleases me to no end to see it finally suck in an observable and public way.

Please. The story was faction. That area between historical fiction and polemic which lacks the willingness to admit that it's a mixture of both instead of a straight one or the other. What really pissed me off about this book is the tone that it takes. If you were to read it, and you had no knowledge whatsoever about what it was about (which is manifestly impossible today but follow me here for a moment) you would discover that the book was impossible (and I mean it as though it were glued to your hands) to put down. It is so phenominally well told, and so engaging that I litterally stayed up all night reading it...

...right untill the middle where it reveals it's premise. Ohhhhh, I see the Rosecruxians and the merovingians had it right all the time! Clearly the historical record of the crucifixion of Christ is a load of crap perpetuated by a bunch of clergy who wanted to cement their authority and, hence, their wealth and power!

He litterally postulates, with no backup I might add, that the early church did not regard Christ as the Messiah, or the Son of God, but as a mortal prophet who lived, had a wife, had sex with that wife, had kids, and then got killed. The Merovingian theory. Yippie.

What it fails to address is why the apostles were brutally murdered (to a man) in the name of a 'Messiah' who, in fact, never was. Nor does it give the Orthodox church any nod whatsoever, instead continuing in the grand tapestry of 'Church Conspiracy' faction, which regards the Evil Juggernaut Catholic Church as the one, true Christian Authority for better or for worse.

And then there are the droves of slavering fans who see it as a vidication (and such a good way of phrasing) what they always believed! I can't remember how many (I refrain from using an ephithat) people expressed this sentiment to me over the counter when they were buying themselves a second copy because they loaned their first one out and were so pleased their friend liked it that they just didn't ask for it back etc...

Grow a damn brain. Putting as much time as it takes to read 'The Da Vinci Code' into independant research of the history of the early church would give you enough data to at least be well informed on the topic in your own right so that you didn't have to base your opinion off of a highly disputed NOVEL. I'm not a theologen in the sense that the word has ever been applied to anyone that deserved it, but I did do a bunch of research into Orthodox history before I joined up. A friend and I more or less researched our way into Orthodoxy, coming to the conclusion along the way, that anyone who put in the time and effort to dig up the history and compair the theologies of the various 'Christian' denominations and their theology to, you know, the BIBLE would reach the same conclusion. And, in very truth, people have. Friends of ours, people we know, we watched the conversion spread like a chemical reaction of a reagent introduced into a base solution. It was impressive.

It continues to be impressive. My friend Chris has decided to join the Orthodox church (I cannot remember right now if I already wrote about this). And it looks like his family may follow him (may: this is by no means assured at the moment, but it looks promising). Now, if only I could knock off the damn porn long enough to get my spiritual arsenal back into working order I'd really have something.

Ten months. That's how long I was clean untill I got stupid. Ever since then it's been a battle. And I can say, that after long introspection, the avilability of an internet connection is only part of the problem. Boredome, lonliness, and good old faishoned lust would be just as deadly without it. Indeed, it's arguable that with this kind of...focus...it at least has an observable bad outcome, as opposed to insidiously lurking and working in the background. I need something to do. I need...I don't know. Something. I'm going to get a job for the summer because I'm not salaried, and I'm thinking of going back to the Bookstore, my womb as it were. They'll have me of course, five and a half years of experience is something they won't sneer at, if only because it'll be like re-activating a veteran instead of having to train a new recruit. That or the video game store. The bookstore gets more buisness though, the video game store might be boring.

I had a huge crisis of faith a little while back. I'm a psychologist by training, and I got myself into the following logical loop:

With enough repitition, you can convince yourself of ANYTHING. Jim Jones got a hoard of people to drink poisoned Kool Aid, Hitler whipped up an entire nation via Anti Semitism, Stalin managed to kill a hundred million people, and most convincigly of all, Brittany Spears is a fuc^ing millionaire.

So, I reasoned, if I'm expected to fail unless I pray, it might very well be that any success is only psychological reenforcement and might very well have nothing to do with an actual God working within me. The human mind is, as we know very well, succeptable to suggestion and indoctronation. Ergo, I'll never know if I'm giving myself to an actual real live God, or to a psychological construct in my brain which only exists because I've made it exist.

Ugly eh? Well, I logic-ed my way back out of it. Cognitive dissonance theory states that when we are presented with a situation which flies in the face of what we know to be true, we do one of two things. We change our beliefs to reflect this fact, or we change how and or how much we care about it. In other words, if a situation is intensely psychologically discomforting to us, we shift our own position until that discomfor is resolved. There is a lot of bullshit in this.

The favorite example that psychologists love to use runs thusly: If you work really hard for some kind of reward, and it winds up being very costly (somehow or other) then you convince yourself that the reward wasn't the point, the experience of chasing the reward was rewarding unto itself. You do this so that you don't feel bad about having gotten diddly squat in exchance for a huge effort.

This can be demonstrated in an experiment. There is a classic example from the fifties. Two subjects are brought into a room and given the single most boring task in the known universe. They are litterally sat down in front of a board with a bunch of knobs on it and told to turn them one by one, for an hour. It's supposedly a 'manual dexterity task' but like most psychology experiments, it involves a deception. After the 'manual dexterity' task is over, the researcher experiences a 'problem' and they recruit the subject to 'help them out'. Here is where the actual experiment kicks in. They tell both subjects that one of their lab personel has called in sick, and they need you, the subject to fill in and explain the experiment to the next subject (in reality a confederate of the researcher) and they're willing to pay.

The catch is that one subjects gets 20 bucks, and the other only gets a dollar. So they both take the money, and sit down and explain the task to what they believe to be the next guy who'll have to do it. The confederate always asks the following question, "Well, did you enjoy it?". Here is where it gets interesting. Both subjects experienced the same, God awful boring task. They both do their job and play it up as an interesting task. But the kicker is that the one who only got a dollar does an observably more convincing job. And the theory is that in order to do the job at all, he must convince himself that it is true, and once that is done, they sound very convincing indeed.

Afterwords, both subjects fill out a 'standard questionaire' which includes only ONE relevant item. How satisified were you with your experience here today?

The guy who got $20 says it was crap, the guy who got $1 says it was good. Very convincing. In order to resolve the dissonance between the truth (the experimentw was a horrible waste of time) and what they were forced to actually say, they changed their own perception of truth. Wow. Or more accurately, holy shit, sine we now have evidence that people will believe ANYTHING in order to not feel like a DAMN MORON for having just done something AMAZINGLY STUPID. This is the reason that people are often impossible to argue with. They aren't unaware that thier position is patent bullshit they are accutely aware of it, and to resolve this discrepancy, they irratinally believe it to be true, and hence become impossible to argue with, except that you have OVERWHELMING and IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE to the contrary, and even then sometimes not.

But there is another side to this. Some humans ride the wheel of abuse like it's a carnival ferris wheel that doesn't charge money, but a lot of people jump the hell off even before it's finished it's first spin. Not everybody is so psychologically weak as this. And I get the feeling, though I've not tested it out yet, that at least some people who got the dollar, and some who got the twenty dollars, might, if convinced they were alone, confess that they thought the 'manual dexterity task' was basically as boring as shit.

That and, the argument has only limited application to Christianity as far as I can tell. Our own Messiah and our own prophets tell us that the earthly consequence of our faith, if we hold true to it, will be brutal suffering at the hands of others. Gee, theres a good incentive. Arguably, the belief could be self fulfiling prophecy, since there will always be someone who hates you for what you say, no matter what it is, it would be difficult for this belief NOT to be true. And then some people could feel like they alone were in posession of the truth. A belief which might well be fulifillling enough to some poeple that they would willing suffer in order to have it. But the vast majority of people are not seriously religious. Most of them get the hint and give it at most, lip service, and then do the worldy thing and reap the "rewards" offered by the dark one to those who don't bother to pick up their cross and follow Christ. The reality of their beliefs is that they resolve the cognitive dissonance by NOT being religious. I have NO DOUBT, that some so called 'believers' believe only because it fills a psychological need. Be it for 'authority' or simple fear of death, some peoples belief is unmitigated bullshit motivated by a desire for personal gain. Not improvement, gain.

But some people, IN POSESSION OF THE BELIEF THAT BELIEVING AND KNOWING THE TRUTH GIVES YOU A GREATER OBLIGATION AND, THERFORE, A HARSHER JUDGMENT THAN SIMPLE IGNORANCE, believe anyway.

It would be, and is, easier not to do it. Just ask a guy who hasn't been to church in a month for varoius reasons. I'm heading back, don't worry about that, but the war continues my friends.

Time to get back in the trenches.

Alexei.

A couple of things....

2006-05-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

At a LAN party during Pascha weekend, I got a chance to talk to my friend Chris about his possibly rejoining the Orthodox church. Well, joining it for the first time would be more accurate. His grandparents were Ukranian and they were Orthodox, his parents were unable to find an Orthodox church when they got here to the states, so they went Catholic. Ergo, Chris grew up Roman Catholic. Ergo, he got frustrated and burned out on Christianity to some degree. But the RC church did do the job for him for a long time, and aparently his faith was never totally gone.

So a few months back, when the party was long since planned and the date was set, he drops it to me that "I'm thinking of going back to the Orthodox Church". Just plain out of nowhere.

So I go to this LAN party (yes it was on Pascha weekend, it was important that I go. I made up for it by doing Palm Sunday in Jordanville), and we only actually get to talk about it for five minutes, but that's enough. He's actually already made up his mind pretty much to do it. So I gave him an Icon, and the only cross I had on me, which was the one I got baptized in. Which I figured, if you ever do give that away, your best friend becoming Orthodox is an appropriate occasion.

So get an E-mail from him after the party, he's in contact with the ROCOR church in Cincinnati, and his family wants to go with him. Wow. Awsome. Wow.

So I ordered a new cross, and it came in quickly. I shopped at Gallery Byzantium.

This is the cross I bought.

It's more or less identical to the one my Godfather Alexey gave me, except this one is sterling silver.

Havn't been to church for a month. One thing or another. The LAN party, then the next weekend I was moving, the the next week was finals. Ugh. But it's all over, and I'm going again this weekend.

Alexei

I've never advocated the death penalty for a teenage girl before...

2006-05-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

But I'm willing to make an exception.

Judge orders anti-psychotic medication forcibly administered so man will be competant to be executed.

2006-04-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

In-f^(%ing-credible

.

The defense lawyer Jack Strickland said the following:

Quote: "The whole idea of holding somebody down and injecting them so that we can then say, with a straight face, this person is now competent so we can kill them, I think that smacks of an Orwellian-Soviet-style approach to criminal justice.''

Smacks of? Jack as I remember 1984 that was EXACTLY how it happened. Winston is caught as a Thought Criminal, tortured beyond endurance untill he litterally accepts Big Brothers reality, and then executed for having committed the crime in the first place.

The soviets to my recollection didn't much care weather or not you understood the charges against you, they just shot your a$$ dead.

I laughed long and loud when I read this. It was too astonishing for any other response. The man is mentally incompetant to understand what is happening to him, and therfore execution is cruel and unusual. But we can force him to take pills to get around that constitutional restriction. Wow. The future is now folks. Orwell was right, he was merely off by about twenty years.

Alexei

Mein Got Im Himmel!

2006-04-03T16:09:00.000-07:00

I thought I could handle really, really hot food.

I was wrong.

Or, well, perhaps we should define hot.

Tabasco is something most people can handle. It's heat rating is 2,500 scoeville heat units (SHU). Today I tried this: 119,700 SHU.

Pain. Breating in new air made it hurt worse. One drop. Exactly one drop set my mouth on fire for five or six minutes. Good stuff.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Time for real news.

My spiritual life has been a suckfest lately. My particular bad "habbit" has been tough to break. But I've renewed the fight as of yesterday with the novel approach of, you know, actually trying. This includes, but is not limited too, actually praying when I'm supposed to. Sticking to the fast better than I have been, and not making any bullshit excuses about the 'futility' of things.

Also. I will probably not be in any church for Pascha. Why is this you ask? Because my best friend is seriously considering converting back to Orthodoxy (his grandparents were Ukranian Orthodox, his parents sent him to Catholic school...thus he lost all faith in religion). At his house, on that same Paschal weekend, he is throwing a big LAN party. The scheduling of this was very bad for me, and I was incredably stupid as I wasn't even thinking in terms of this years date for Pascha when I was consulted and I basically said, "Whenever is fine."

Long after that, after even I had realized my colossal blunder and was planning on how to, delicately, be absent for half the party while not looking like a jerk to them for walking out in the middle of it, when the host, my friend Chris, drops this little bomb. "Oh yeah, did I menttion? I'm thinking of converting to Orthodoxy now."

Well, that settled it. I'm going anyway. I'll get to something in the way of services, but this will be my only chance to talk with him at length in person...and I'm stupidly scheduled to pick someone up and bring them anyway. Not to mention that someone is coming from England in no small part because that date was one which I OK'd. So there are courtesy issues. But, in all seriousness, I was on the verge of telling him I couldn't go when I remembered his comment about converting. I talked to Fr. Peter about it. He's not pleased, but what can you do? He very much recognizes the importance of winning Chris over. He backs me on this, he's just very unhappy about the fact that it's happening at a part. Well, what can I say. It was stupid, but it did wind up afforing me the opportunity to, with Gods grace, see my best friend get Saved.

Pray to God for my friend Chris.

Alexei.

Afgan government may execute a man for converting to Christianity.

2006-03-22T03:46:00.000-08:00

Here is the link.

The article says it all. Given the international pressure he may well not be executed for it...but then again, it is a fundamentalist Muslim country. They do seem to have some steel in their spines when it comes to capitulating to more powerful nations. I.E. they don't do it. The Taliban, outgunned though it was, didn't surrender to the US government led invasion. Saddam Hussein, equally outmatched by the combined US and British armies, did not surrender. Iran, facing condemnation from THE ENTIRE REST OF THE WORLD, refuses to back down from nuclear testing.

Will Afganistan spare the life of this man? Only if they are forced to. It will be intreauging to watch. We may very well have a new martyr on our hands.

Alexei the Sinner.

Just for Fr. John

2006-02-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

Fr. John McCuen of Holy Archangels Russian Orthodox Parish (ROCOR), in Phoenix, Arizona is fond of saying this about pets:

"To a dog you're family, to a cat you're staff."

Just for you Fr. John, I give you this link

Enjoy.

Alexei

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust

2006-01-21T18:40:00.000-08:00

I saw a corpse for the first time tonight since I was a little kid.

We were at Vigil, and I was in line for confession when the church phone rang, and Fr. Peters wife, Hellen, ran into the back room to answer it. Maybe a minute later she came out and went over to the confessionary and interrupted the confession that was going on. This is something I've never seen before, so I knew it had to be big. A few moments later, another woman at the church, whose daughter is getting married tomorrow, came over and told me that our parishoner and reader, James, had just died at home, and that Matushka (the Russian Orthodox word for the priests wife) was going over to their house immediately.

After I confessed the service went on and ended in the usual way, and Fr. Peter said that anyone who wanted to come with him to the house of the deceased was most certianly welcome because they were going to do the service for the dead.

So I followed him in my car. I walked right past the body on the ground without even realizing it, I had thought he must be upstairs, but when Justin and I went into the basement to get something to put underneath the body to protect the carpet, I realized as we came back up the stairs, that he was lying in the living room wrapped in a white sheet and I just hadn't seen him.

I held the blanked while Matushka Hellen and a few others lifted up the corpse and then one of them slid it under him. When I was a young boy, we were in our family van and we drove past a vehicle/bicycle accadent, and there was a yong man lying in the road with a huge pool of blood around his head, it didn't affect me at all. But, this time, standing in the presence of a freshly dead corpse, the husband of a woman I know from church, it was the closest I'd ever been to death.

Matushka told me as we were leaving that it was best that my first encounter with death be something like this, rather than with a member of my own family, because then at least the experience of having to deal with the body, etc... would not be brand new in and of itself, along with the grief.

The body didn't smell very much, only just a little bit, or maybe it was just the ambient odor of the house, I've no idea really, but standing right next to the body while Fr. Peter read the prayers and we all sang the responses, it was hard to ignore it, even though it was very slight.

Twenty-Four and a half years. That's how long I made it without ever even having seen a funeral. It shuts you up, and it makes you listen.

...And to think, in eighteen hours, I'll be at a wedding.

Lay thy servant to rest in evernal peace and joy, Father of All.

In Nomine Patris, Et Fili, Et Spiritus Sancte. Amen.

Ahh

2006-01-14T10:38:00.000-08:00

The snow is back. It was a very nice fifty five degrees yesterday, and for the entire week until now. But, this being the extreme eastern edge of the midwest, and as close to Canada as you can get without a hocky stick, it was doomed to be short lived.

Alexey

Updates

2006-01-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

Survived the 1st semester with a deecent GPA.

I am getting an appreciation for just how enormously huge the task of getting a PhD really is.

Spent Christmas (Both secular and Orthodox) back in Tucson, and as such havn't been to church here in Buffalo at Sts. Theodore in quite a while.

Am having trouble breaking a very bad habbit.

I'm waiting for my Xbox 360 to show up at Gamestop.

That's all for now.

Alexios

Thank God.

2005-12-16T11:14:00.000-08:00

I really and truly thank God for this. The Patriot Act is on it's way to expiring.

No more roving wiretaps, no more secret search warants for medical and library records, ahh yes, the veil of the police state is lifting somewhat.

Also, I feel amazingly lousy.

There are a number of things which are somewhat beyond my control.

Two things happened which involved large amounts of money being spent on me and I feel really bad about it.

1) My car had to get it's heater repaired. This was amazingly expensive for a repair on a used car. $1125. They had to replace the 'Heater Core'. And to make things worse, getting at the stupid thing to fix it in the case of my particular car, means having to take off the entire front dash unit, which means a hell of a lot of work, which means a huge bill for labor. So my parents are unhappily paying for it. They'll get over it, but I feel lousy about the expense. My mom reminded me today that six years ago when I got the car, I insisted on the Ford Tarus as opposed to the famously maintinence free Toyota Camry. Part of the problem was that they really, really wanted me to get the Camry, and I really, really wanted it to be my decision what car I got, and I liked the Ford a little better anyway...so the long and short of it is they have paid repair bills they may well not have had to pay in the case of a Toyota. So I feel sucky for that. We've agreed that if the car runs into another major repair, were not going to fix it, were going to get a new used car.

2) My school may or may not be picking up the tab for my failure to get my stinking New York residency requirements done in time. I got the bill for school today, I don't owe anything other than the standard comp fee. Whatever that's about. And the bill spesifically lists me as being billed out of state tuition, and the scholarship still covers it. So I suppose what happened, and I'll have to clarify this, is that they just ate the expense for me. Or maybe my tuition wasn't going to change this quickly even if I did get my residency requirements in on time. Maybe they just wanted to make damned sure everyone did it, and so they required it more quickly and set a really, really early deadline. The fact of the matter is that I don't know. I'm costing people money, and it's bothering me. I have got to be more careful about this, because I'm costing people who ought not to have to pay.

Alexei the Sinner.

This. Is. Awsome.

2005-12-12T10:49:00.000-08:00

The Best Commercial EVER.

I'm going out and buying a case of this stuff even if I hate the flavor.

Alexei

You know you're finally onto something when.

2005-12-06T16:36:00.000-08:00

The genuine desire to study wins out over the desire to procrastinate. Glory to God in the Highest, Hosana!

Michelle McCusker

2005-11-22T08:38:00.000-08:00

It broke the news today that a Queens teacher named Michelle McCusker is sueing the Catholic diocese of Brooklyn for firing her after she told the principal of the private, Catholic school that she taught at that she was pregnant, was going to keep the child, and has no plans to marry the father.

Well, a few things here. Aside from the obvious arguments and counter arguments about her lack of a right to be employed against the will of her employer when she has unrepentantly violated her working agreement, lets address the issue of simply asking legitimate questions.

She is quoted as saying:

"I don't understand how a religion that prides itself on forgiving and on valuing life could terminate me because I'm pregnant and choosing to have this baby,"

Parse this with me.

(1) "I don't understand how....because I'm pregnant and choosing to have this baby."

Well. The Catholic church is staunchly anti-abortion, so I guarenee you they're not firing her because she's keeping the baby. In fact, they damn sure would have fired her for NOT keeping it, if they'd known.

(2A) "a religion that prides itself on forgiving..."

You didn't ask forgiveness Michelle. You announced that you weren't going to get married. Asking forgiveness entails admitting you were wrong, and if you felt that you were wrong you would have changed your behavior and gotten married. So obiously, you don't think it was wrong. So how can she be forgiven for something she didn't ask forgiveness for?

(2B)"...and valuing life"

What's that got to do with it? They shouldn't fire you for breaking their rules because they claim to value life? There is no connection here. I suppose you could say that since she made more life, they ought to value her more instead of firing her, but if you said that, you could also say that because they value life so much, you shouldn't be careless with the process that makes it.

Obviously, the statement was a calculated emotional appeal to drum up public outrage. Because, clearly, anyone that would dare go after a pregnant woman is the scourge of enlightened society. My opinion doesn't make me any more worthy to be heard than anyone else, but weather or not anyone feels like reading it, I feel like writing it, if only so I can say something about it, and get it off my chest. And, by that same token, neither does hers. I'm a sinner. I've no stones to throw, but even the Catholic church doesn't deserve an attack like this. They're trying to do the right thing, and their attacker simply doesnt seem to notice that they're only following their own rules, which she was made aware of when they hired her.

That's all from me.

Alexey

WHEW

2005-11-09T00:34:00.000-08:00

OK, I was having a panic reaction.

They're not going to fire me. Everyone in charge of me is going to get notified that I missed it, and I have to sign up to do three more tests to make up for it, but I'm in no danger of loosing my financial support just for this. I suppose it was silly, but then I do like to panic when I drop the ball.

Thanks be to God in the Highest! Hosana!

Alexei

Pray for Me.

2005-11-08T17:21:00.000-08:00

I screwed something up today.

I was supposed to proctor an exam, and I totally forgot about it.

Not only THAT, but the other proctor (totally unrelated to me in any way) also forgot! Of all the screwups!

I need all your prayers so that I, mercifly, will not be dropped as a GA or otherwise penalized.

Pray to God for me.

Alexei

Me.

2005-11-03T14:23:00.000-08:00

Just so you know who this particular Sinner is.

And so...

2005-10-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

My last post got a record THREE comments!

They were SPAM. I was not aware that there was such a thing as Blog comment spam. I am...displeased.

A month?

2005-10-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

How did I go for a month? I bet some people have started thinking I've abandoned the blog. In truth I have another web journal that I've been paying more attention to on a forum at a different website. But it's just not the Blog.

Well...lets see. I'm working on my mid term paper for my Psycholinguistics class. I hope I can wrap it up tomorow, I think I can, it's almost done now, but it'll take me a few more hours of concentrated effort, and I am unexcusably lazy, which means that may take me a day, but as soon as I sit down and actually do it, it'll be quick.

A friend from back home has made a dangerous choice. She's getting married, so she says. The guy... well, first and foremost he's not Orthodox, or anything close to it. Secondly, he hasn't actually done anything with his life. And third, she's got emotional scars that are making this decision for her. It's hard to watch, and I'd be lying if I said I'd prayed about it very much, but that's only because I don't pray enough in general, and, again, I'm badly lazy. But I have prayed about her.

I think she's never had the attention of a guy who took her seriously. This one sort of does, but he himself is not geared to a productive or challenging course with his life. He may or may not have a home at the moment. Needless to say her parents are upset. Wouldn't you be? But who would she listen to least of all? Them, of course. Part of the function of a parent is to take flack from the person you're trying to raise. But, if for one reason or another, the relationship becomes one in which mutual respect is lacking, nobody will listen to anyone else.

I turned her down myself. She never bothered actually asking me out, she knew I wasn't interested, but she insisted on maintaining all kinds of contact anyway. To my logic, this was self nullifying. Either be forthright about it, or let it die in peace. I made a huge mistake to that end, I forced her to aknowledge her feelings for me so the entire thing could be put to death quickly and not bother her anymore. I'm told, by litterally everyone, that this was a horrible thing to do to her. I didn't know, I hope I am forgiven. But it did have the effect of explicitly recognizing the truth and dealing with it that way. It got the job done, and nobody can question what did or did not get said. For me it would have been a relief to air it out and not have to keep it inside....::shrug::

In truth I had trouble drumming up much sympathy for her in that instance because she insisted on attaching herself to me. This incident took plae at a mall, after I had asked for directions so I could kill time between services on Pascha. She offered to go, I said I'd prefer to go alone, she insisted, I said no. She insisted again, and again...

Up till that point I'd avoided any situation where she could do that. I remember thinking that if she wouldn't not go with me, she came along at her own peril.

I'm a jerk.

A smarter man would have had a better way of dealing with it.

So anyway. She called me up a week or so ago and told me she was getting married. She knew what my reaction would be. Her pretext was that she wanted to tell me herself so that none of 'the guys' would have a chance to give me the story before she did. I think she actually made that up completely out of thin air. She knows I've never been in contact with anyone from our former mutual church, except by physically going there.

When I asked her about Orthodoxy, and the fact that Mr. X didn't belong to it, she hid behind the technicality that allows Orthodox to marry non-orthodox. Though personally I don't know a preist who would concent to performing the wedding.

I asked her about kids (though I supose if she's abandoning Orthodoxy for Mr. X then using birth control wouldn't be much of a stretch, but old habbits die hard. She might well still refuse to use it) and she said, (I quote verbatum) "Were going to let them decide for themselves."

That stunned me into silence. Everyone decides for themselves. You can't make someone believe something, either they do or they do not choose to do it of their own free will. But to voulentarially not raise them in the One True Church of God, the Holy Orthodox Church, in order to give them the best possible shot at Heaven...I was aghast. I was horrified. I honestly think I'd prefer her to use birth control rather than to have a bunch of kids and not give them any guidance whatsoever in regards to the Church. They can always decide for themselves...but deliberately leaving them uneducated? Wow...

I have no idea what will happen. If she's desperate enough for human companionship to actually marry this guy, then she inherently lacks the ability to understand that anyone who gets into a romantic relationship for the sake of being involved in a romantic relationship...is not in fact involved in a romantic relationship. Romantic attraction is incidental. It either exists or does not exist on it's own terms, if two people have mutual feelings for each other by virtue of what they already are before they meet. If you deliberately hunt down a person just to have a person, that is a farce.

Like so many things in life, it can only be real if it is incidental to something which had nothing to do with it. Such as meeting someone at work, or at school. But oh well.

True defiance.

2005-09-22T23:19:00.000-07:00

This picture used to have the mouse flipping the bird to the Eagle. I changed it on the (long ago) advice of Fr. John of Phoenix.

Blessed.

2005-09-20T22:37:00.000-07:00

I read today on Kittygirl92's page here that Subiha died. I am sorry it was so.

I'm twenty four going on twenty five next June. And I've never had a funeral to go to. Never even had one that I was invited too. No one I knew personally has ever died. Except one lady who I lost contact with years ago. I'll put it another way. I've only ever been given news of somebody's death second, or third hand.

I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it will eventually. I'm just greatful. Greatful that it has lasted so much longer than I had any right to expect it to.

It can't go on much longer, sadly. My grandfather in Cooperstown is very ill. Nothing in particular, and everything in general. Failing heart, failing body, various ailments from general deterioration. It should be said that he is in his middle eighties. Unlike my equally old grandmother back in Tucson, Pop (as we all call him) will not die well. He will go piece, by grueling piece. And it will be hell to watch, to hear about, and to be a part of.

You see, I'm the local rep for our family now. It used to be my sister who goes to school at West Point, she was on the right side of the continent and even in the right state. But I'm closer now than she ever was (geographically) and I'm fixed, as opposed to being shipped to various training posts like she is...

And yet I've not been out to see them since I got here. In fairness, I did go right after I arrived for a two day visit and to pick up some furniture. That was a month ago now. It's slightly more than two months to thanksgiving. I wonder if I can justify putting it off that long, or if I should make the trek sometime sooner.

Being there is a small slice of nicely insulated hell. My grandmother is adelpated. Can't take care of herself but she lies about it to the insurance man whenever he interviews her so even the insurance company's hands (and they are well insured for elder care) are tied, since she won't ask for the help.

Pop is a little better than when I spent the summer with them two years ago. I write them once in a while, they don't write back. But I do get a card for most holidays and occasions, and gifts for birthday and Christmas of course.

I don't know what to do. There's little I can affect by being there, except to say that I have, in fact, done everything I can, and that alone, I admit, is worth it. But it's this feeling of impotant frustration. There's nothing I can do, except watch it get worse. And I hate being in that house, for a variety of reasons. Grandma Nancy is insane. Grandpop still has his mind but his body has failed him, and he doesn't much care anymore. They have in home health care workers who do the ugly stuff, and all I can do is sit and watch, and lend a hand where I can force one in. Grandma Nancy doesn't let anyone help unless you make her.

I take there money, greatfuly, because I need it and I do appreciate it. But theres nothing I can do. And knowing that there's nothing I can do actually makes it worse. If there were something I could do, and I just wasn't able to do it right now, that at least would make me feel capable of helping. But I can't.

The damned cursor is blinking at me, it keeps waiting for me to say something else... except I'm out of clever prose.

::deep breath:: It's out of my hands, in fact it was never in my hands. That's something. Not a whole lot, but it's something. =)

Alexi

Clarification

2005-09-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

OK. My previous post contained a bit of amusing whining about the difficulty of getting hitched with only a small Orthodox community to provide prospective spouses.

My spiritual father, Fr. John McCuen of Holy Archangels parish, in Phoenix, had this to say in the comments area:

"OK, the "pool" isn't necessarily limited to available Orthodox females. You are permitted to marry a non-Orthodox woman; although you know quite well that such a relationship means additional struggles to resolve questions about how we live as Orthodox Christians. Will a non-Orthodox spouse be willing to keep the fasts? (And not just when it comes to food...) Will you raise your children in the Orthodox Church and faith, or some other? (NOT!)"

To wit I realized that I had left my gripe session a little unclear.

What I ment to go without saying, but I now realize I ought to have said, is that I cannot concieve of sharing my life and most intimage love with someone who's theology I know to be wrong. Not because I hold it against them, but because I cannot imagine waking up next to such a woman every day, being in love with her, and knowing she doesn't believe in the one true faith. Moreover, if she's with me, it certianly means that she's been exposed to it, and (if she's not Orthodox) rejected it. I have trouble imagining spending my life with someone who I know has false (if honest) religious beliefs, and may wind up in hell for them. I've got a better than even chance of going to hell myself, but at least I have the advante of belonging to the one true Church.

OK, that being said. How do you raise children in a household like that? Either God takes a second seat to diplomacy, or the kids learn at some point that mommy and daddy have an irreconsilable religious disagreement and that only one of these faiths can really help you get into heaven. Does that sound like fun to anyone?

Father John also makes another excellent point, he says:

"You said that you want a family. OK. What does God want from you, and for you? Hmmm? You should figure that one out; and, while you're working on discerning that, ask Him to bring you the woman He wants you to spend your life with. He will, you know, if that is His will for you. Otherwise..."

The damnable thing about advice from you Fr. is that it's always double edged. "Do the right thing, heres how to do it. By the way, by doing the right thing, theres a better than even chance you won't get what you thought you wanted." This especially ticks me off because he's right all the damned time. The issue here is that, if I've interpreted what I've read correctly, in a perfect world, we'd all forsake marriage, sex, families etc... and everyone would be a monk. No, I'm serious. The church fathers go to extensive lengths to point out that marriage is a good thing, but they go to even more extensive lengths to point out that celibacy is better. They, knowing their audience, lace these writings with commetns to the effect of "I know you are not going to believe me when I say this, but..." This is an irritating thing to be aware of. I've never met a parish priest that wasn't married. Conversely I've never met a parish priest that wasn't a convert. Back on the other hand, my understanding is that nearly all parish priests are married. Even the ones that were trained at Jordanville and born into the faith.

So...on the one hand I have what sounds like a choice with a clear, if totally undesireable, path (celibacy vs marriage). And on the other hand, I have an army of trained practicioners of the faith who are all married with kids. Are the priests setting a bad example? Am I overanalyzing the hell out of this? Someone stop me, please.

BAH!!!!!! Even if it's not as good as celibacy, all the church fathers agree that marriage is, unto itself, a good thing, for good reasons.

The really ironic thing about all of this is that the choice is not now, nor has it ever been in my hands, except where I"m willfully defying the Will of God. Ugh.

I suppose, just saying, that if I had an active prayer life (heres a confession), I might (you think?) have more contact with God. Gee, there's a brainstorm. Either it's too late and I'm tired, or I"m running late for school, or I just don't feel like it...blah, blah, blah...I'm a master of excuses and procrastination.

OK, fixing the problem: I should go and pray right now.

Easy enough.

Alexi

The Drought

2005-09-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

One of the principal illusions I entertained in moving out here to New York was that there would be a thicker flock of Orthodox in which I might find a prospective wife. Well, the flock is thicker, but still no candidates.

Allow me to express this mathmatically.

f(x) = 0

where x = # of viable Orthodox females in my age bracket.

I had the somewhat impetuous thought that perhaps my life is so sinful that God has decreed non-consensual celibacy as the only way to save my soul.

But then, in order to be a Gift to God, you must first wish to give it. This is one thing I do actually want for myself. A family. Sue me, I just do.

Not that this is odd, or wierd. Just impractical when you happen to live SEVEN THOUSAND MILES FROM THE NEAREST ORTHODOX COUNTRY.

OK....that's out of my system.

I've found that simply reminding myself of the consequences of my repeate offence type sins is enough to keep me from being willing to do them. Now I have to learn how to revile them in the first place. The problem is that I, though it is also fair to say we as humans, enjoy sinning.

Indeed, the prospect of an Orthodox life is so intimidating to an outsider it's no wonder we don't get more converts from atheism and or agnosticism. The mere notion of fasting for half the year, only being able to marry inside the church, limits on sexuality even within marriage, theology that demands awarness of God at all times and in all places...whew. It's enough to scare a lot of people off I imagine. Truly only coming to the conclusion that it is the one true faith could be justification enough for inflicting these difficulties on yourself. And of course we don't get it all right at the very beginning.

I had a scary thought about that though. I calculated, just for a few minutes, that indoctronation that proceeded for long enough could (just look at the islamic terrorists) produce belief of great strength, regardess of how true it is.

Now, I belive Orthodoxy to be the truth. But when I'm faced with it, with the all encompasing reality of how I'm supposed to be living, I get scared, frustrated, angry, jilted, I despair, I loose hope...

Not to use coarse language loosely, but it is fucking scary.

But it is also the - only - thing - that - makes - sense no other belief structure even holds up to a logical examination let alone a theological one.

I suppose if it were easy...I'd have doubted it from the beginning.

Lord God of hosts, forgive that I have absented myself from Prayer for lazyness, and forgive my lack of faith. But grant me understanding for having asked these questions. Give me strength to believe, and proove my faith to be the true one in my life. Make it so blindingly evident that only your Orthodox way can work that even I, who deliberately blind myself when it seems to hard, cannot deny it and fall down worshiping you and begging your forgiveness and your mercy.

In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Who liveth and Regineth with Thee in the unity of the Holy Spirit. Both now and ever, Amen.

And then it hit me...

2005-09-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

The real test of faith is not in struggling. When there is struggling to be done, it's obvious that it needs to happen.

When church was difficult to get to, it was always an acomplishment getting there. It was taken seriously, and given great weight.

Now church is five minutes away. The test is not in struggling. The test is, when you don't have to struggle, can you still do well?

I pray that I can.

Alexi

A serious question.

2005-09-01T23:21:00.000-07:00

I ask this question because I've always wanted to get married and have kids. Still do, probably will if I can find a woman. We can all hope.

But one thing that keeps bothering me...

How, exactly, do you survive having a teenage daughter?

I'm 24. I find teenage girls to be...anathema to me. I have a hard time describing it. The randomness, the shallow interests, skittish behavior etc... Now, I'm a reasonable man, and I'm a scientist to boot. I know that not all girls are like this. But...and correct me if I'm wrong here...it almost seems that teenage girlhood is a time and place much like the twilight zone. And it does a hell of a lot to explain the way women act later in life.

Again, don't get me wrong. I like women. Maybe too much =) But I've seen...and heard some things...

And the shrieking. Ohhhh the shrieking. And (and this is part of what confuses me) it's typically a Joy reaction. A noise I once associated with being knifed by a serial killer, is now so commonplace, that, were anyone to use it for that more sensible purpose, I would ignore it and assume that Boy Band X just got a new member.

So help me here, fathers that read this Blog (if there are any). And enlighten me as to how one manages to not only live with, but successfully parent such a creature.

I'm all ears.

Alexi

Propelled Into Paradise

2005-08-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

I'm in Buffalo. Everything is set up. I'm living more comfortably than I ever have before, everything is taken care of, and I deserve exactly none of it.

It's a beautiful place to live. The weather (till winter anyway) is beautufil, I've got everything I could ever want, including most importantly, a ROCOR church ten minutes away.

Glory to God in the Highest.

Amen

Meandering Thoughts

2005-07-31T00:58:00.000-07:00

I have enough dishware and silverware for four people. This is because my former roommate left them with me. She had them becuase her at the time bank account (who thought he was her boyfriend) Adam, bought them for her. But I'm not going off on Danielle again.

It just occurs to me. I have place settings for four. I live alone, and as far as I know, I will for the forseable future. But...either nothing comes in singles...or more likely, you can't bear to buy a single set of anything. Aknowledging the lack of a possibility of companionship is a descent into madness. I realize, as I think about it, that there is comfort drawn from the things I own that exist to facilitate the guests I don't actually have.

It's odd. I value my solitude above almost anything else. Just being alone (and having something to do) is enough to make any period of time inhabitable. It's that feeling of singularity, of...not quite emptyness, but aloneness. Solitude.

I had one other thing to talk about on an unrelated subject.

There is one button my dad pushes on an irregular basis that instantly engenders a 'fuck you.' from me. This is (almost every time) when he offers me money I need, and then informs me, not requests, demands, or insists upon, but simply informs me, that it means he will have access to my bank accounts to monitor what I'm doing.

I'm sorry. If I'm missing a point of obedience to parental authority then I am in fact sorry. But I'm twenty-four. I've survived this far, and if one thing shows itself true, I'm not a fool when it comes to money. I'm not perfect with it, but then I've never had enough of it to worry about. So when I'm handed cash, and not trusted to do the right thing with it, it's...like a violation. And it's not just that I'm not trusted, it's the knowledge that my sister, who hated, tried to engenier the divorce of, and raged violently against my parents for ten uninterrupted years would get the same money, and nobody would ever ask her what she did with it.

Granted that in spite of her war against my parents, she too, is no fool when it comes to money. But that viscious, hellish, brutal campaign of ugly violence and lies that she waged for a decade has earned her autonomy. My comparitive duitifulness has earned me...what the fuck? Precisely how does that add up? My parents don't bother her with the invasive assumption that they will have inspection rights to her finances because they learned a long time ago to fear her. I was the good kid, and the reward is that the same resources (trying not to sound like the older brother in the prodigal son here), are given to me on condition of compliance with demands they would never dare contemplate imposing on her. In fact I can't be the prodigal in that equation because it's not the same story. In the story of the prodigal the Father is God, God does not reward the unjust more kindly than the just.

To whom much is given much shall be required. And obedience is commanded by God.

OK: Lets resolve this.

I've prooven (I believe) that I'm the nice guy. My sister has prooven that she'll rip your throat out if you do anything that even hints at encroaching on the farthest reaches of her total autonomy (weather or not it actually exists).

For being the nice guy, instead of being given more trust. I'm ordered to submit to inspections on whatever schedule my dad wants.

For being the mean girl, no one would dare ask my sister to do the same.

Sounds like I made a mistake doesn't it?

Obviously, if the situation is anything like what I'm saying it is (and my own coloring of it is not too distortive), what has happened is that my parents have come to assume that not being a viscious asshole, means less resistance. My sister and brother (who, unfortunatly, shares my sister's talent for hellraising), have taught them not that you should crack down on the rebels and reward the loyalists, but that the rebels must be respected for their violence, and the loyalists can be abused becuase they won't revolt.

I plan to put this argument to them. And it's a hard thing for me to do because it's not fair. It's not fair that all three of their kids should need the same kind of resources and support, and that all three of them should, at the same time, demand total autonomy.

But it's not fair of them to reward the people who treated them like shit with greater autonomy than the one who treated them with respect. At least not if they're giving all parties the same resources. Which they do.

But I've hashed and re-hashed this enough now. It's not a just circumstance. And, sadly, it will probably remain unjust for a while. The wickid prosper. I prosper, no doubt, due to some wickedness of my own. One of the Devil's devices is that our sins should give us the illusion of power, reward, and wealth. We are taught to pray (correctly I agree) that "I am the Chief of Sinners".

But it's tough to see it like that, when you tried to be good, and people for whom the thought of trying to be good was as repulsive as incest, are rewarded better than you.

Alexi

Egads!!

2005-07-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

I have barely started packing! I've packed exactly one box! Granted, I dont' own much stuff, but still, I ought to have gotten more put away than THAT!

I must Steel myself, and PUT THINGS AWAY!!

Alexi

Feeling better.

2005-07-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

I just did the prayers for purity, needless to say I was in deep. Or so I felt. Waging war against your own baser urges is a difficult thing, and nothing is more frustrating than flunking all of a sudden after a period of good success. Except, I suppose, not getting started at all.

But I feel...fresh, is the only way I can describe it. Confessing to God, saying the prayers, you feel alive, like you didn't realize you weren't alive before you ever did whatever it was you were confessing. Because you're always guilty, you're always doing something displeasing to the Almighty One, and admitting that cleans your soul. Being aware of how vile your sins are is a good thing, and it is in fact proof of the glory of God that we see this after having sinned, that we have a conscience, that we feel remorse, that we hate what we've just done. Not only that, but, exciting as it is for me, we become aware of just how ugly we really are in all ways, not just for the one thing we've done. Remorse for a big sin helps you see the ugliness of all the small sins, and confessing after something big is...well, I won't say better, because doing a big sin is awful, hellish actually.

But it is more complete, more sincere, because you really get it just how far from Godly you really are.

So thank you Lord, for giving me sincere repentance for my crimes, and thank you for your infinite mercy, more than anyone else I know, I need it.

Alexi the Sinner

Farewell Commander.

2005-07-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

James Montgomery Doohan is dead.

Dead of as close to natural causes (pnumonia and alzheimers) as you can get, at age 85. He was known for only one thing, and he was cool about it. When asked in an interview, he said he never got tired of hearing "Beam me up Scotty!" beacuse, and I quote, "It was fun!"

Thanks for the good memories, and thanks for just being you.

::Salute::

My Brother.

2005-07-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

Colin is his name. He was a featured character in the last post to this Blog wherein we got into a fight. A physical fight, not verbal.

For years I had thought that my parents complaining about Colin's temper was just that, griping. I figured that any excesses of his (he being the youngest and therfore the least tolerated when he finally got a little older) they would hammer down harshly. But I've seen him in action a few times now. He can't, or doesn't, control his anger. He is utterly indifferent as to our parents authority (though he might be in the minority if he weren't), has exactly zero respect etc...

Sound familliar? OK, factor in his being effectively an only child since his sister and I both moved out years ago. Factor in that he is a high level athaleet. Very physically strong, and, increasingly aggressive.

He's on a new medication for acne. I forget the name of it but aparently behavioral changes are a possible side effect. I'm hoping, and praying, that what I'm seeing in him now is a temporary amplification of his anger, and not it's genuine resting level. Because if it is, then he is a physically dangerous person. And that will have to be dealt with sooner or later.

Alexi

Fistfight

2005-07-09T02:21:00.000-07:00

Rather than tell the story a third time I'm just going to paste here what I sent in an E-mail (part of the e-mail anyway) to my priest. Summs it up pretty well.

I got into a fistfight with my brother. It was mostly him, but I did my part. Most noteworthily, I hit a kid who (I'm told now) had a legitimate anger managment problem. We made up and I apologized.

The serious bit about that is that as I was driving home, my mom called my cell to ask if I was OK after everything that happened. She was crying and noticably upset. I couldn't have been about us sluging it out, becuase that was just stupid.

Actually it was because after Colin stormed off after our encounter, he came back to the house, and when she opened the door, he jumped her, knocked her down, and shoved her face into the ground how many times I don't know, but her neck is very sore now aparently.

The point of all this is that I experienced the warm blooded (definitly not hot or cold) desire to make his face into hamburger. Understand I wasn't angry at him, and I don't like my mom even a little bit. I just knew, in a very calm and collected way, that the next time I was alone with him, he was going to come within an inch of his life.

So, not a good night. Sorry, that sounded flippant.

Naturally, having had time to think it through and calm down, I'm no longer planning Colin's first near death experience.

Guilty. If it's any consolation my face will be an interesting map of purple in the morning, a nice reminder of the idiocy of the night before.

God forgive me.

Alexi.

Oddly enough.

2005-07-06T01:45:00.000-07:00

Even though my Blog editing features may or may not be working, the Blog itself can be seen perfectly well by an outside browser.

Drunk.

2005-06-27T03:54:00.000-07:00

I'm drunk right now.

Well...
It's the downslope, not the height of my intoxication. I had two fairly heavy screwdrivers, or worse, maybe they weren't. Regardless, I had a signifigant quantity of alcohol in a short period of time and I acted like an ass. Fortunately, what I am told (and I was not anywhere near drunk enough to not remember what happened, I was just very loose) , nothing I did was obnoxious, or irritating, it just got old after a little while. So, thankfully, I didn't actually make a bad impression on anyone. And, it shoudl be said, I've not done this in a really long time. And I also wasn't drinking alone.

It's some hours later now. I went to bed early, at least for me. Not later than 10:PM. I woke up around an hour ago. It's that paradoxic effect where you are very alert, and not at all tired, after having slept immediately following moderately heavy drinking. It's the dehydration. So I'm drinking copious amounts of water in an effort to both get back to sleep, and avert a hangover. I've never really had one, not like I've seen in others. With the raging headache, sensitivity to light, etc... I just feel really acidic. It's been so long since the last time this happened, I'd actually forgotten the consequences of getting drunk. The physiological ones anyway.

By far, the potentially worst consequence of this drinking episode, however rare, is going to be dealing with my dad. He experienced a computer failure tonight, and tomorow he's going to expect me to make everything better, very quickly. He opened an e-mail with a virus in it. Now, we have redundant systems in the office, so he'll be alright, but no ammount of anti-virus software can protect him from opening a bogus e-mail...if the virus is nasty enough. If it's not a total killer virus then the antivirus can clean it out and fix things, provided the worm hasn't irrevocably corrupted something, which it may well have.

I appreciate that if I bring the result of my drinking into work with me, I'm responsable for that. However, if, say, I'm just a little slowed down, and otherwise functional, or perhaps I need lots of water or an asperin, but my work isn't impeeded, I won't stop hearing about it probably ever.

It's one trait my parents both share. If you screw up on their time you never hear the end of it. Oh, in the end I'll be OK. I've even got an excuse to make sure I get the heck out of the office well before late afternoon, I have a paycheck to deposit. But I've managed to ramble on again in yet another post...

I suppose I should get to reconstructing my pay record for him. If I manage that it'll counteract any hedache I might or might not have tomorow.

God willing.

Alexi

Happy Birthday to Me

2005-06-24T03:22:00.000-07:00

I'm 24. I was gone the entire week leading up to the big day (arrainging housing in Buffalo), so I really didn't get to organize anything. I'm invinting a bunch of people over to the house, and who knows who will show up....and when. Dissapointingly, Carrie has not returened my calls. I still have her Christmas presents...But that's a dance we've done before. I may have really lost contact with her this time. Which would suck.

Anything else....lets see...

The Buffalo trip was great. I learned that I'll be living within a ten minute drive of where Buffalo wings origionated, and more like a five minute drive from the place that everyone told us did them even better. A place called, "Duff's". My dad and I split an entire basket of wings. Damn good.

OK, well, I'm off to bed. I have to get some movie times and then crash out till around 11:AM. Ciao.

OK, so my car got jacked up

2005-06-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

Because the attempted car thieves succeded in popping the drivers side lock and breaking the cover off the ignition. So it's being repaired down at the garage as we speak. The upshot to this is that while it's in the shop, my car insurance is paying for a rental. The rental just happened to be a really nice one. In short, I get to drive arround in this:

A 2005 Chevy Malibu. Except that mine is black =)

Something I'd like to wash my hands of...

2005-06-06T00:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly sure how to describe this, except by inventing a word. The word will have a definition of no less than a paragraph, but we need a word to describe this situation.

The word is: Denveresque.

What does this new word mean?

This story had been written on before in this blog, and I've neither the stomach nor the desire to do the entire thing over, so I'll speak in broad strokes.

Denver is a real person. Denver has serious issues. Denver, is very, very popular.

There is a large group of people (perhaps twenty) who think he is the salt of the earth. And he is...at least in context. He throws a very big party every year to which people from all over the land fly. They plan their vacations arround it. It's a big LAN party, and lately, it's been all XBox, because they're easy to transport.

Denver is also, very possibly, the single most vendictive person on the face of the Earth.

The thing of it is, not very many people get exposed to his vendictive nature. In fact, only a few ever do. But the people that get it, never see the end of it. They are Enemies of Denver for life. He simply does not forgive, anything, ever. Which is an odd thing to be factoring in, considering that much of what he refuses to forgive, is not anything which was actually inflicted on him.

Confused? I don't blame you.

Five years back, whilst playing a video game online, a friend of mine named Chris, made a...social misstep. The probelm was that it wasn't one he could have known he was going to make. It's the old situation we all dread, where everyone is laughing at a joke, except the one person you happen to be aiming it at, and you are never forgiven for it.

The game had an interface much like a chat room. Everyones name appears highlighted in their particular color, and the text shows up when you type it. Very common. So....in this typical, everyday game, the guys got a little rambunctious just sitting around. So, for whatever reason, they were shooting lines back and forth from the Kevin Costner movie, "Bull Durham". If you've not seen this movie, it has a fair ammount of adult humor. But it's the kind which flys over a kids head, so it's non-offensive mostly.

There they are, shooting it back and forth, and Denver logs into the game. Chris, his good friend no less, asks him (assuming it cannot possibly be taken seriously) "Denver. Got any naked pictures of your wife? Do you want any?"

This drew a big laugh....from everybody but Denver. Denver said not a word, he logged out of the game immediately, and did not come back. This, was a harmless joke. And Denvers reaction would be a mystery to litterally everyone...untill three days ago.

Fast forward a few years. Chris has been forbidden from ever coming to Denvers house, on account of the comment. He has, in fact, been allowed to come over once since then, after several very sincear apologies, in which he explains the situation, and makes it abundantly clear, it was not meant seriously in any way, shape, form, or intent, and then he gets banned again, this time forever. This presents a problem to Chris, as the only gathering of this online group of friends that everyone goes to, is Denvers. Which means that Denver has effectively banished Chris from our group, the Geezers from Hell.

Now, not very many people know what has happened. And, naturally, if Chris speaks openly of it, he is in for a world of pain. How? Like I said, Denver is popular. And this is where it gets really ugly.

Denver did the same thing to me a few years back. Except in my case, Denver was volcanically offended at a post on an old blog of mine. The post was written in response to a report made to me by a friend of mine, where in he told me that the Christmas service at a Catholic church, which he had gone to because he had not yet found any church in town that he liked, somehow had nothign to do with Christ. Instead, the entirety of the service had been about the Virgn Mary, or as we Orthodox call her, The Blessed Theotokos. Now, don't get me wrong, she ranks above John the Forerunner in importance, but a christmas service ought to be about Christ. So I lambasted the Catholic church in it's person of this particular parish, and said that they were engaging in Mary worship, idolatry if you will. I still back this position, in the case of that particular church.

Denver is a self-professed 'Ex-Catholic'.

Denver went on a two and a half screen ranting angry post on our message board. The post was laced with profanities. This is impressive considering that he had to take the time to type them out, as this was not a voice conversation. Which means that he sat there, at his desk, and typed in the word fucking, no fewer than eight times.

Denver is a self-professed 'Ex-Catholic'.

Furthermore he read the offensive Blog posting, on a blog of mine which was no longer linked too from the message board in question. This means that he was not casually clicking on a link, he had bookmarked it.

This is odd considering that during his rant, he went on at length about how angry my Blog makes him on a regular basis. Which raises the question, "Denver, why were you still reading it?"

To shorten an already lengthening story, I was in hot water for a while. I did not know the discussion thread was even happening, untill the board moderator referenced it to me in an unrelated post. So, imagine my shock, when I go to this thread, which is already three days old, and I hear Denver screaming for my head. What's worse, he's not alone. Now, it should be said, I did have my defenders. There were people asking, "Why does this upset you so much?" and "Why were you reading the Blog if it pissed you off so much?" and "It's just his opinion man, you didn't have to read it, so he doesn't have to respond to you here if he doesn't want to."

The poing being, I was excluded from Denvers gathering as well.

So what this all adds up to, is that if you have the unfortunate occasion to step on Denvers toes, you are, very permenantly, Fucked. And pardon the use of the word, but it is appropriate in this sense.

Denver is popular, as I said, because he does this big party. Also he is very (very) public about all the charity stuff he is involved in. So he is untouchable. I cannot attack him or his credability. And he can do so to me with impunity, if I do something to give him an excuse.

But why? Why is this man doing these things?

Well, what do we know about him? Some fairly interesting things actualy.

Denver is short. What? Short? So what? Well, aparently some men do not handle being short very well. I got myself muted by him on XBox live for making a short joke. Seriously.

Second: He is a house-husband. Now, I'm not saying this is an unacceptable position for a man, I think it could be really cool. But I will say that it might just (theoretically) undermine ones sense of masculinity... maybe...just a bit.

Third: Third comes the piece of information that he himself leaked, in what is one of the more astonishing posts I've ever read on any message board.

Denvers mother died. This is a sad event and I do feel very bad for him. What I do not feel is sympathy. Why? Well, honestly, it's hard to feel sympathy for a man who (instead of just talking about it) contrives a discussion thread (as far as I can tell) so that everyone can tell him how sorry they are.

Here was his threads title: "Where I've been"

He had, in fact, been gone for two weeks. Popular though he is, we had not sent out the search dogs yet. In fact, the supposition that he "owed" us an explination for his absence is absurd. I can see starting a conversation on an excuse with the hopes that it will go where you want. And I can see wanting to talk about it, but not wanting to come right out and say it. That's just human. So I won't hammer him for that.

But I will quote him.

While he was praising his mother, he took the opportunity to praise...himself:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"My mom was a good gal who through her character taught me to respect women and mothers. Being a lone woman in a household of 5 boys (raising 4 of us months at a time while my dad served in the Navy), teaching us boys how to cook, clean and exercise manners and kindness...if she's not Upstairs doing the meringue, there's going to be at least one peeved off son.

[A fine bit of prose, but how in the world does it segue into this?]

I make no apologies for being protective of my wife and the other women in my life. Make an obscene gesture or speak an insulting statement towards any of them and I'll smite thee and not just a little."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second bit of text came out of nowhere. It did not reference anything said by anyone...at least, not in that thread.
Now. To the outside world, this may simply seem to be...a non sequitor. But to the informed...it goes a bit deeper.

Remember a few paragraphs back up? When I told you about the harmless comment? And the banishment that resulted from it and how we couldn't figure it out?

This guy took the opportunity, in the middle of a thread about his mom being dead, to take a shot at Chris for something that happened five years ago, and give himself a gold star at the same time.

And yet...everybody loves him. They all think he's the toast of the town. Because most of them have never been on his bad side. Now, more disturbing still than all of the above, is how the threads on this message board sometimes turn into (and I'm being litteral) the defective support groups as pictured in the beginning of the movie "Fight Club". I'm serious, the discussions sound EXACTLY like that. And, need I remind you, it's not in person. Where emotions make you say things quickly. It's TEXT. You have to actually sit there and write it out.

And at the center of more than his share of these sad little e-group hugs, is Denver.

He's great to his friends, and horibble to his shit list, and you are either on one or the other. Nobody is in between. And he is large and in charge of this group at the moment, nobody wields more influence than him.

And so I coin the term: Denveresque.

Denveresque describes a situation like, or similar too, the one described above. Where one person is running everything, and has two faces. One of limitless charity shown to anyone from good friends down to loose aquaintences...and one of permenant punishment and vengance to those who just happen to accadentally cross him the wrong way.

Alexi/Web

So my car....

2005-06-05T03:54:00.000-07:00

Got broken into and nearly stolen. They tried, but only succeded in ripping out the ignition, or at least damaging it. It may be that the damage is only on the surface, in which case I thank God. Or it may be that the ignition needs to be replaced. It didn't look amazingly bad, but I did see broken springs, you know, the little tiny ones that are incredably important no matter where you see them.

I fear to put a key in it and test it out...beause what if I break it even worse than it's already broken. Oh well, nothing I can do about it till Monday anyway. That's when I get my parents van for a little while, and they get the rental car provided by the insurance company. I'm not quite 25 so I can't drive it myself. I don't know why they selected 25 as the magic age for being allowed to rent a car. I know twenty-five is the average age when men's testosterone drops sharply, but the rule applies to women as well. Who knows, maybe it only applies to both so they can't be sexist.

Alexi

Love thy Neighbor

2005-06-03T00:29:00.000-07:00

OK, so check this out and tell me what you think.

The situation unfolds as such: My brother is seventeen, nice kid, very, very well liked. Over the years, my sister and my brother have been the target of the occasional TP attack on the house. Harmless stuff except that the cleanup can be a drag. I learn that TPing is not something you do to people you hate, aparently it's a friendly joke you pull on a friend. Makes sense because it is fairly benign.

So in all the years we've lived there, were the only ones that ever got hit, with the very occasional exception of the local highschool PE coach who lives just down the street from us. Nobody has ever missed our house and hit an innocent bystander by accadent.

So, last night, my brother throws a party. It goes very well, and aside from my brothers former girlfriend being flirted with openly by another friend of his (who has a girlfriend), nothing was even a little bit out of sorts. Good clean party, nice kids highschool kids, etc...

Now, I cannot, for the life of me, remember clearly wether or not the neighbors hosue across the street was unmolested when I left. It could have been, but I don't remember that being the case. But I will say this, and back it up. None of the kids who were there seemed to be the TP type. They just weren't pranksters, with the exception of my brother. Beyond which, as far as I could tell (and I was there to oversee for just this purpose) none of them ever left the house except when my brother went to buy hotdog buns.

Also...nobody there knew the across the street neighbor in so far as I could tell. No reason to do anything to them. So I drive up this morning to go into work, and their yard is quite thouroughly TP'd. A few hours later, an unfortunate thing happened.

The neighbor whose house it is, comes over to our house, rings the doorbell. I'm neck deep in papers and so is my dad (whom I work for), so I ask Mom to get the door, she does.

The neighbor lady proceeds to tell my mom (in a bright, happy neighbor voice) that their yard got TP'd. And she knows that we've been hit numerous times before, and she knows that there was a party here last night (all in the same, chipper tone of voice). Then she proceeds to remind my mom that her son is only four, and he's even now out cleaning up the TP from the yard, and that she has an ailing grandmother that's living with them, and she really doesn't have the time to deal with this...

Never actually asked for anything. Never actually said what she wanted. Everybody's seen this, and we've all probably done it before at some point. Wanted the other person to feel guilty, to be embarrased because we ourselves have been inconvienenced. That being said, the entire idea ticked me off. My mother went through the roof. Actually stormed across the street and started an argument over it. She was furious at the insinuation, or more accurately, the assumption. That simply because her son was a teenager and our house had been TP'd before, that we were automatically responsable for her house being TP'd. When she initially came over to our door, my mom brought up the fact that in all the years it'd been happening, nobody had ever, even once, hit someone elses house by mistake, or design.

Now, weather or not it was personal, or their house just got hit at random by some maurading prankster, we'll never know. What we do know is that it was not the work of anyone at the party, because...they never left untill the very end. They might possibly have come back later...but why? Why hit a random neighbor? But this is almost totally unimportant really. The annoying thing was that she came over, and did the "I'm going to insinuate and blame but not actually come out and say it becuase I've been inconvienenced and I want you to know I think it's your fault" schtick. Cowardly. Or maybe just childish. Which would be nicely ironic considering that her beef with us was motivated by something which she doubtlessly thought was "immature".

My mom was upstairs, after it happened, rueing into her Blog about her less than adult behavior. She told me that she wished she'd just asked, "OK, What is it that you want?". Because, she pointed out, when someone is going off on one of these kicks, that question stops them cold. Because they don't actually want anything, except to make sure that you know that they blame you. When my mom went over, and had her words, she then started cleaning up the TP. The husband of the hosue told her, "Oh no, that's OK you dont' need to do that", to wit she replied, "You came to me!"

He was embarrased. He'd let his wife go over and do her adolessent complaining, but when my mom actually called the bluff and went over there to do something about it, he flinched.

Exactly what her theory on why we were somehow responsable for her house being TP'd was, is a little unclear. She seemed to just intimate that becuase we had a teenage boy living in the house, a house which had been repeatedly TPd, that it had to be related to him. That perhaps his friends had TP'd her house just to be mischevious. Not a bad intellectual leap, but she had no evidence, and only nebulous speculation as to motive, but regardless, it got her to come over and whine about it. The logic of her argument ran thus: If some gang bangers do a drive by shooting, but miss the guy they were trying to kill and hit me by mistake, I get to blame the intended victim.

I suppose who I ought to feel sorry for is her, the neighbor lady. I mean, what kind of person does that? It's toilet paper, not toxic waste. So your house got TP'd, what happened to just fixing it yourself? Not that we'd have been above helping. In fact, if she'd just come over and said, "Look, we got TP'd last night, it's never happend to us before, so I'm pretty sure it had something to do with your party, I'd appreciate it if you'd come over and help us clean it up" we'd have jumped right to it. But her solution, was to walk across the street, and let us know just how inconvienenced she was by it, and how she didn't have the time to deal with something like this, as though we were somehow to blame, but did'nt actually have the balls to actually say it.

May I ask a question which I really, really, really do not mean in a sexist way? Why do women do this? I'm serious. I'm not saying that men never do, but I've seen women do it way more often. Why the prevarication? Why not just say what's on your mind?

So what would have been the Christian response to that situation? If she'd come over and been rude about it, turning the other cheek would have been the response, which would have meant being meek about it, and going and cleaning up the TP without complaint. If she'd been honest, and forthright, the same response would have applied. But how do you respond to someone who whines?

What is the Christian response to deliberate childishness from an adult? It's times like this when I wonder if some of the rebukes the Apostles get in the four gospels, when they were actually occuring, didn't have the tone of, "Idiot. Here, I'll spell it out for you." I think they may have. And here is the reason. When someone comes to you and behaves this way, it's not a misunderstanding. It's also not an assault on anything but your patience. So there is no other cheek to turn. The best solution, and please, someone who reads this Blog comment on this bit here, is to simply tell them they're being childish, that you refuse to dignify it, and close the door.

The reason my mom didn't have this kind of grown up, mature reaction? Simple.

The woman is a housewife. And I'm not talking about one of those, Uber-hard working ones who really, really does have a backbreaking job. Such a person would be a lot more worldly and less shallow. She's a former cheerleader, got married got pregnant and stayed home kind of girl. To boot, she lives across the street from her sister: Identical same story, right down to the matching uniforms. (note: this description is not a steriotype, it's litterally true of these two women)

Women like this can drive my mother insane, their very existance is distasteful to her. This is because she busted her ass and got a masters degree. But just living this life, however, is nothing to her....until the perky little former cheerleader turned stay at home mommy who's never had to work, comes over to her house and passively agressively whines about her house being TP'd.....and how she doesn't have the time to deal with something like that?

Well...lets just say that while I condemn my mothers reaction, I certianly understand it. And I condemn it precisely because what she said later was right. If she'd really wanted to stick it to cheerleader-mommy girl all she'd needed to do was ask, "OK, what do you want done about it?" She probably didn't have an answer.

So I ask you faithful readers (no pun intended) for your comments and advice. My honest opinion is that the proper response would have been to tell her how childish she was being, and make that the end of things. But I don't know.

God forgive me my ignorance.

Gadzooks.

2005-06-02T01:49:00.000-07:00

A full month! And then some!

Ok, for an update. I made my first mistake with the Buffalo thing today. When I sent in my paperwork so I can be an employee of the university, I forgot to send in a photocopy of my passport. Thankfully, an expired one is OK. Anyway, they say this will cause my paychek(s) [no joke, that was how it was phrased in the email] to be delayed. Hopefully not by much. Anyway, we'll see.

Buffalo Came Through!

2005-04-21T18:18:00.000-07:00

The State University of New York at Buffalo (SUNY) came through for me in Spades. Not only do I in fact get an assistantship which includes a tuition scholarship, the living stipend is $10,400 per year, instead of the $8,400 per year they had said I would get in the letter they sent. So, WOO HOO!!!!!

Glory be to God in the Highest!1!11!!11!!

They saved the best for last.

2005-04-10T03:19:00.000-07:00

Tonight was my last night at Barnes and Noble. I don't know if you know why, so I'll summarise my reason for leaving. Like many websites, Barnes and Noble has adopted the policy of their membership program renewing automatically (for your convienence, yeah right) unless you instruct them not to.

OK, all well and good, I can advise people as such.

Except that we can't anymore. We were explicitly told not to bring it up anymore. Were not allowed to tell them that their credit cards will, in a years time, have a $25 charge on them for a renewal that they had no idea was coming.

So I quit. Anyway...

I was at the cash register, manning the front alone, as is the norm for the end of the night. Up walks a woman, she is perhaps fifty years old. She plops down on my counter top, not one, but three copys of this months issue of Playboy. Now, having been a former conisuer of and hopeless user of porn, I have long since abandoned it and condemn it in the strongest possible terms. So I decide, I've got to screw with her. The dialog was as follows.

Me: (sarcastic, joking tone of voice) "Does your mom know you're buying this?"

Her: (slight pause) "Actually, I am the mom. My daughter is in this.

Me: (stunned silence)... .... ... (and then before I realize exactly what I am saying) "Jeez, if it were my kid I think I'd have had an anurisim"

she is clearly not flattered by this comment.

Her: "Are you eighteen?"

Me: (clued in, but I cant lie so what am I going to say?) "Um, I'm twenty-three"

Her: "OK, I'll show you."

At this point, my brain short circuited like the electrical box that's been hit by lightning. I was sputtering, blinking, and otherwise staring straight ahead as though I were a confused catatonic. Close behind her is her equally fifty year old female friend who also has a copy of the Playboy.

Friend: "I'm getting one so she can autograph it!"

Me: (Incoherent sputtering)

the friend finishes her transaction. The mother is standing one register over, flipping through the playboy, looking for the picture of her daughter.

The guy behind them steps up in line, and he and I are staring at each other as with no clue whatsoever what to say or think, and the only clue we have that we are on the same side, is that we are both too shocked to form coherent speech, or a definitive facial expression.

So I deal with him and the next customer and then the line is clear. The mother is still flipping through the playboy, so I casually say (hoping I'm right)

Me: "Couldn't find it huh?"

Her: "No it's right here" (opens the magazine).

To my discredit, I did in fact look, because I didn't know what the hell else to do. I had insulted her, twice, and now she was opening a magazine with a naked picture of her daughter.

Actually, thank God, it wasn't really naked.

It was just slinky as hell. The girl was almost naked, wearing clothing that was not quite totally removed from her body, and the pose was a shot from the side, it showed nothing explicit. Thank God. I'd dodged a bullet.

At this point, I'm visably uncomfortable, and I say "Wow, she's absoloutly stunning", and I'm looking away, and she says.

Her: "Well, you were the one who asked if my mother kenw what I was buying"

OK, I'd ticked her off, I grasp that, but she used a pretty much naked picture of her grown up daughter to slap me back for it.

Damn...

Wierdest experience of my life...

A very big question.

2005-03-31T23:24:00.000-08:00

If you understand the theology behind why celibacy is spiritually superior to being married, are you then obligated to seek it out?

Can there be any justification for not being celibate if you can find no flaw the logic?

The fathers are careful to defend, and even go so far as to anathamatise anyone who denigrates, marrage. But they are equally careful to extol celibacy as being vastly better. Ergo, the ideal would be (and check me if I'm wrong here) that all Orthodox would embrace celibacy, and the church would expand by conversion only. In a perfect world. In reality the church fathers are not stupid and never for a moment thought or believed that this would happen. But does that give an excuse? Is it true that once you grasp the truth of that theology, you are then obligated to follow a celibate life even though you have, ostensably, a choice? If you were in front of the judgment throne and asked why you chose to marry over choosing celibacy, when you had been granted this understanding...is there any answer good enough?

I could not bear it Lord.

But theoretically everyone can, if they give themselves to God utterly. It is easier for some than for others, but in principle, anyone can. Right? Wrong? I don't know. The concept of celibacy seemes to me an incredably bitter one. I cannot make myself like it no matter how hard I try. I cannot even make myself ask for it seriously. I am at very bitter war with myself. On the one hand, I find no flaw in the church fathers logic (shocking I know), on the other hand, I burn with unwillingness to forgo marrage forever. Everything I ever wanted, a wife, a family, children, sex. etc... none of it is acceptable...or is it? It's not a sin. That much is clear. But what is acceptable once you know something more than you used to know? Accountability is a gigantic thing in Orthodoxy. You are accountable for what you know, but I'd be lying if I said this knowledge felt like anything other than a hot coal inside me, burning, screaming to be expelled, or finally swallowd, one or the other, and I cannot bring myself to swallow it. Nor can I reject the logic that put it there. I am at an indecision that will surely kill me if I do not do something about it with a good lick of speed.

I am seeking any wisdom at all that anyone reading this has to dispense.

Alexey the Sinner.

What constitutes death anyway?

2005-03-19T12:50:00.000-08:00

I cannot deny the gut wrenching difficulty that must have accompany the decision to terminate artificial life support. First to loose someone, to whatever cause, and then to have to be the one to make the decision to not artificially sustain biological life. It would be far kinder, it seems, to simply die in one event, rather than in two.

The entire Terri Schiavo thing in Florida is of course what prompted this line of thinking. What thoughts must be dueling in the minds of the people that love that woman, or loved her (past tense) depending on where you stand.

Is someone dead when their brain is wiped out? When the only functions it can perform are ones you could build a machine to do? Or does the fact that something, anything, can keep the heart beating and the lungs breathing mean that such things ought to be done?

I have a pretty clear set of opinions on this. I think she died fifteen years ago from heart failure. I think force feeding her body is a farce, and that is an indignity (especially if a tiny part of her is still there) to keep her alive forcibly. I know of no one who would choose that kind of 'living' over a simple death. It is irrational to assume, given that her own Catholic curch has administered her communion after the removing of the tube, that she somehow benefits from being fed and watered through a tube.

But what must her parents think? To have to outlive a child must be hell. But is it honest delusion, or simple selfish denial, which keeps them from letting her die with dignity. Do they, in their despair of having lost a daughter, truly believe that she is still there? And if they do, and they cannot help but aknowledge her physical status, why would they consign her to such a living hell as that, when there is nothing doctournally wrong with not medically treating an illness? Wouldn't they want her to have the release of death from that kind of prison?

This is the reason I can never be a Republican. They seem to be rallying around this cause as if it were their own. Trying to push a law through congress to govern the fate of all such people as Terri, who did not sign a DNR order, and alternatively trying to push through a law spesifically giving the federal courts authority over spesifcialy Terri Schiavo. Of course I can never be a Democrat either because they tend to endorse abortion. The GOP would seek to make such circumstances no longer the purview of the families involved, but rather of the government.

If this whole thing can, by the Grace of God if it be in His will, be dragged out for another week, it may well all be over. It does need to end, one way or another, because untill it does, nobody is moving on with their lives who is involved in this. Least of all Terri.

Cats are Evil

2005-03-10T02:09:00.000-08:00

Case in point

Liberation?

2005-03-02T23:59:00.000-08:00

One of the mottos of INGSOC (The Party, in George Orwell's 1984) is: "Slavery is Freedom"

It occurred to me today as I was fixing the Magazine section of the Barnes and Noble that I work at, that women’s liberation never, in fact, happened. Women are slaves, well, at least some of them.

Primarily the ones that think they are liberated.

How is this the case?

What constitutes a 'liberated' woman? Well, it would seem a liberated woman is one who is taking her cloths off on the cover of a magazine. She is 'liberated' because she can do anything with her sexuality that she wants. Men no longer define who she is as a woman, she defines it, and she can do with her body what she pleases.

But wait....

Men always wanted women to do just exactly that. More sexually aggressive women is what most 'men' want. It makes sex easier to get. Women with no sexual inhibitions are what men desire. So who are they liberated from?

Ahh, from the old fashoned women who think that dressing nicely and being feminine are good. Because, naturally, since women dressed in a classy way in decades past, that makes dressing that way a bad thing, it makes you a slave. Never mind that such a mode of dress was designed to uphold a womans dignity, it was a marker of her status as a woman. No, we must destroy that! Women are equal to men!

But wait...

What does equality mean? We treat you the same as we treat ourselves? So we should treat you as jocular, crass, insensitive, sexually aggressive jerks? We should treat you like men? Aren't you women?

And then that was when I realized what actually happened. Men won.

Men won the war for women’s liberation. They changed the idea (or got women to change their own idea) of what freedom was. Slavery is Freedom, says The Party. Those women who would tell you that you ought to exercise self restraint are capitulators, traitors, thought-criminals. They want you to go back to being enslaved now that the revolution has been won. They are the Enemy.

What enemy? There never was any enemy!. Even if men were guilty of oppressing women, they were only doing what came naturally to them. There wasn't an organized effort to keep women out of 'men’s places' it was simply the social order of the time.

But a functional social order, such as we used to have, became perverted, and was abused. And a revolution did, in fact, happen. But it was a revolution in the Bolshevik sense. It inducted a reign of terror. Anyone who refused to accept the position that men and women are different, have different roles, and are good at different things, was a counter-revolutionary, and they were dragged into the streets and ideologically shot. The goal of our current society is to destroy the idea of gender. Everyone will be equal, we will have the world of "Harrison Bergeron", where we all wear masks of varying ugliness so that nobody is outwardly more attractive than the most hideous burn victim, we will all wear chains of varying weight so that no-one is stronger than the most barley functional invalid.

Except that it will happen in reverse, or perhaps in inverse. Everyone will be physically capable of different things, but it will be illegal to point that out. The truth will exist, and people will know it because there is no way to destroy it, but it will be illegal to speak of it.

Here is a solution.

Men, act like Men.

Women, act like Women.

All of you: be content with what you are, strive to better yourself and do not concerned yourself with what others have been gifted with that you lack.

Egalitarianism is the first step on a road to Hell paved in good intentions

Well, what can one say except....

2005-02-25T10:30:00.000-08:00

Poetic Justice.

A kind of sadness I've not known before...

2005-02-21T05:07:00.000-08:00

"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

Hunter S. Thompson has killed himself. I have never experienced a death so closely. I am nearly twenty-three years old, and I've never even been to a funeral. All my relatives that were alive when I was born (except for a pair of great-grandmothers I never met) are still alive.

Thompson was the first person from whom I learned something, and for whom I had great respect, to die in such a way. That is to say, both suddenly, and before his time. Although, perhaps in Hunter's case, he was already well past his time.

I know that he was no Christian. And I know that he lived his live in excess of drugs and alcohol, and I mourne him. I've not been sad like this since Mr. Rogers died. At least he was a Christian, and a good man. I cannot say either of those things of Hunter S. Thompson, except that in his case the goodness or badness of him is not obvious enough to judge (for a simpleton like me). He was a fearless rebel. A rebel against what? Apathy I think. His greatest enemy was stupidity, and those who preyed on it, and those who reveled in it.

He did many horrible things, and he hurt many people, but he was also a fierce voice of discontent when it was very much needed. I grieve for his widow and his son, and I grieve for him, for he surely lacked Orthodoxy in his life.

I cannot bring myself to say Rest in Peace, because I fear that he may not.

But I will ask the Lord, to have mercy on his Soul.

Alexey the Sinner

Ya ever know someone who....

2005-02-20T03:06:00.000-08:00

....just could not, for the life of them, catch a break? Such is Jessica, a co-worker of mine. She has, quite possibly, the hardest struggle for day to day life of anyone I know, at least anyone not homeless. She's poor, and I mean poor, not like me. I'm a student with parents who help out with the bills and only myself to care for. She's supporting herself, her otherwise helpless druggie ex-boyfriend, whom (if I understand correctly) might well starve on the street without her to at least give him a place to stay.

I give her rides home from work sometimes. I asked God for opportunities to do good works for people. It occured to me after she asked me for another ride, litterally the day after I prayed that prayer, that I was getting exactly what I asked for. And even if I hadn't asked for it, it was something I desperately needed. So it would seem that the poorest girl I know, with the hardest most desperate (yet somehow stable) situation I know, is rendering a service unto me. All I had to do was go get a cheese burger while she shopped for some supplies at Wal-Mart after work and then drive her home. The catch being that all this is going on after midnight, when we get out of the store after closing.

Now, I have no life. Astonishingly, when I got home, my gaming buddies were still online and I had some good games. On top of which I'm still riding the high of my (unexpected) acceptance letter from SUNY Buffalo. The drawback was that I didn't get to go home and hang out with my Dad. Now, I hadn't really wanted to go to my parents house tonight, but he had wanted me to. I think he doesn't like being alone in that house either. The thing being, it's a fairly big house (four bedrooms, and office, three bath, dining room, living room, family room, two storie), and being all alone with the animals, there, does feel wierd. The thing was, I didn't want to sleep there. I sleep a lot better in my own bed. My dad had work to do anyway, so I would have basically driven home (this is assuming I hadn't needed to help Jessica) watched TV while he worked, maybe watch it with him a bit after he got done, then crash there, then go back the next morning. I felt like a heel for not doing it, but damned if I could override the fear of bordome and just agree. We would have had minimal interaction, and I'd have just left in the morning at some point. Maybe he just wanted me there. I can understand that, just wanting someone arround.

I'd changed my mind about going home, but that was when I remembered I'd already prommised Jessie. To be fair, I had promised her a ride well before my dad asked me to come home for the night, so I couldn't have done it anyway, but I did feel like a jerk.

Anyway, I'm going to hang out with him tomorow. Dont' know what we'll do, but it hardly matters.

Alexey

Grad School!!

2005-02-19T16:22:00.000-08:00

I GOT ACCEPTED TO GRAD SCHOOL!!!!! WHOOO HOOO!

I wasn't even thinking about the school that accepted me really. SUNY Buffalo was the first to say yes. They're still working on weather or not I can get finantial support from the university, but it sounds hopeful, and I do have resources to draw on even if, somehow, they say no.

Michigan State is still waiting in the wings for a yes or a no, but they did send me a flyer with finantial aid information and info on student housing and activities, so I hold out strong hope for them as well!!!

THANK YOU GOD ALMIGHTY!!!!

Too long since the last time....

2005-02-11T03:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what exactly the real reason is that I don't get up and go to church more often. Sure it's 120 miles from where I live but that's managable. If I had to guess I'd say it's that I'm tired. More than anything else, the idea of getting up at 6:30 AM after working untill midnight and not getting to bed untill 2:AM at the earliest (I've tried earlier it doesn't seem to work), and then driving for an hour and a half, standing up for two straight hours, and the driving another hour and a half home...ugh. It's an ordeal, not a hellish one, but a very tiring one, and most weeks Sunday is one of two non-consecutive days that I get off of work. This week is different, I get Friday, Saturday and Sunday off, so I'm definitly going. I'm supposed to get my brother to come along but coordinating between us has been difficult. I have to schedule him a week in advance, and I don't always remember to call him. Should I just buck up and call him and hound him into it? Or should I expect him to call me? ::shrug:: Fr. John has said he will come to Tucson to do the classes for his Cathecism now that there are two people (my brother and the wife of another parishoner), but there has been no communication between us either.

It's sad really. It's all I can do to manage my own life, and I have so little responsability it seems. Hell, I was better at it when I had school, because a simple little jaunt to Phoenix seemed like no big deal next to everything else on my plate. I guess I'm getting lazy. Or maybe not, I am, after all, working 40 hours a week now, it's not like I'm a slouch. But is that a good measurement? I get so damn bored that I stay up every night untill 6:AM practically, and the last coupld nights I've been spotty about evening prayers, just like the Devil wants.

I've been shoddy about morning prayers too, though in fairness, I only started doing them a few weeks ago.

I thin it's fair to say the waiting is...not good for me. I'm idle but theres not much else I can do. I do like having less to do, it's such a nice reprieve from five an a half years of school.

Or maybe, my laxity with prayer not withstanding, God has no objection to me having a lazy semester off to recouperate, a kind of sabbatical. He knows I can use it, and hopefully, I am doing so in a way not wholey unacceptable to Him.

But the bordome claws at me sometimes...It leads me down dark avenues, though typically what I find there has me running in terror, as opposed to embracing it, like I used to.

I found myself posessed of an almost gravitic need to know if my old porn haunts still existed or not. I was halfway convinced they simply wouldn't be there anymore. So I went and looked out over the clif that it took me so damn long to climb. I didn't jump, and honestly there wasn't a lot of tempation to jump, but for some reason, I had to take it all in. I had to stare at it for a while, like the junkie who knows somehow that he has to go back and look at the flophouse he used to shoot up in. There is no reason he can define, just an unfightable need to go and look.

I didn't look at any porn, and I didn't linger once I discovered that, indeed, the old access points I used were still there, I got very scared, and I left immediately. It satisfied whatever it was that made me want to do it. Pure curiosity I guess. I let porn rule me for long enough that my freedom from it (nearly a year now) is still a fraction of the time spent in servitude to it. And all it took was an oath. One that I've held to, thankfully, by His strength.

Realizing that there was no time like the present, and on the eve of the most difficult confession I ever had to make, I simply swore never to look at it again, nor use it for anything. It adds such a degree of seriousness, having made a vow, that it was infinitely easier to stay away from it. And something else happened, once I made the vow, the desire for it started dying in me.

You don't miss it when it's gone.

Thanks, Lord, for taking it from me.

Alexey

Along we plug...

2005-02-02T10:53:00.000-08:00

Stasis. That's the word to describe the last few weeks. Nominal is another word. Don't get me wrong, the lack of excitement is something I really needed. I like to tell people that my stress levels are somewhere in the vicinity of Jimmy Buffett. I think I only slept for about six hours last night, but I feel really good. Refreshed even. I'd missed a lot of sleep before that as well. Cool that I caught up, however that works.

Wish I had more to add.

Alexey

And if you take away Delaware that leaves four...

2005-01-25T01:33:00.000-08:00

....grad schools. I've determined that the Linguistics program at the University of Delaware is not what I want. I don't want a PhD in linguistics. I want it in Cognitive Psychology. That's what I am, a Psychologist, not a Linguist. In the realm of Psycholinguistics the two merge, but they take very different theoretical perspectives and are rarely interested in the same thing, though their research is, oftentimes, identical. So that leaves Michigan, Michigan State (which is sending me stuff), SUNY Buffalo, and Johns Hopkins. God only knows...

What else... OK, blackjack last friday netted me $125. I splurged and bought a refrigerator full of groceries. Seriously, I'm a single college guy living alone, this is major for me. In fact, I can't remember the last time it happened. Or if it happened at all...

Spiritually doing OK, not great but not bad either. Well, being that I'm human and I'm not eating one dry roll every three weeks in a hermatge on Mt. Athos and being visited by angels, I am by definition so horrible that only the fact that I am blind to how horrible I am is what keeps me sane. But all things being relative, I'm still floating along. I did have a nice awakening to the depth of my own wrechedness a couple of weeks ago though. I got a nice long, and very clear look at just how bad I really am. It was staggering, and sobering, and frightening. There is this abyssal chasam of awfulness that I've dug out of the landscape of my past, so vast in scope that I could not concieve of a way to repay it all, nor ever earn my way out of it. But everything the fathers say tells me that I ought to hold out hope. No matter how bad I've been theres always another chance to do it right. One of the desert fathers, when asked if a man could possibly lay a new foundation every day, answered that, "I believe, that with great effort, a man can lay a new foundation at every moment". I cling to this wisdom like a lifejacket. I try, and I fail, and I try and I fail. The enormity of my impurity and brokenness is staggering, but mercy and grace are infinite, and the giver thereof desires that I should be with Him unto eternity, and therfore when I ask for forgiveness, he eshews me with it, and when I ask for grace, it flows from him as far as the east is from the west and reaches even unto the edge of the pit I have dug for myself, offering me a bridge over which to cross.

Forgive me, Lord Jesus Christ, a sinner.

Alexey

Nobody ever comments on my Blog

2005-01-18T02:23:00.000-08:00

Ergo all my thoughts and observations are perfect! Awsome! The reason nobody ever leaves me a message except when I'm acting like an ass is that those are the only times when my prose is less than celestial in it's quality! That or nobody is actually reading the Blog. But I am a much loved and admired semi-public figure in the community of Orthodox Bloggers, so that cannot be the case. I am also good looking and drink really good dark beer. Which is redundant, non-dark beer is, well... calling it non-dark beer is the strongest insult I can sling at it anyway so why bother? That being said let me waffle a little here and speak to the praises of both Fosters and Killians Irish Red, from the tap, I'm not a barbarian no matter what those central europeans my ancestors slaughtered by the thousands say.

What else?

I want you to know I sat here for a full minute fulminating in my own mental juices looking for something intelligent to say before it occured to me that I am, in fact, a guy. And am therfore neither capable of nor required to degin to say such things.

Where was I?

Ahh yes, the search for meaning amongst the infinite electrons of the Intarweb. Check please, reality has left the table and I shall be joining her soon.

Where was I?

Ahh yes, the search for a clever witticism with which to end this post. Heres one:

The road to a mans heart begins at his door. Seriously, were simple creatures that stopped evolving sometime during the last ice age. Just show up. Say you want us, and we basically nod, grunt, buy you stuff, and then ask for nothing other than your warmth and affection, and forgivness for not remembering to lift the lid.

That is all.

Alexey.

P.S. Friday is Blackjack night for me and a few friends. My grandmother gave me $50 with instructions to (and I quote) "Spend it foolishly". So wish me luck, maybe I can pick up dinner for my buddies if I win.

Lex.

P.P.S. Is Lex a cool nickname for Alexey?

P.P.P.S Or do you prefer Alex?

P.P.P.P.S I'm a little bored.

A-Lex-Ey (whichever you like)

So logically....

2005-01-17T01:36:00.000-08:00

I just deleeted a long sleep deprived bumbling attempt to basically say that since I'm in the true church, the Orthodox church, and since all the persecutions of the past have been physical ones aimed at torturing and or murduring every Christian arround, I might just be both spared the temptation (as Christ says one of His churches will be as a reward for keeping His traditions), and I might not be put on a torture rack, since the final persecution will be one "Such as the world has never seen". Does this mean the Antichrist will somehow convince everyone that slaughtering Christians is OK, and having done so be a thousand times worse than even the comunists? Or does it mean that Antichrist has figured out that being subtle beats the heck out of being obvious and that if he never actually goes medieval on anyone but just wages psychological and sociological war, he'll sucker a lot more people out of the true faith than he could ever torture out of it.

My guess is that you'd get a lot more mercy for breaking under extreme torture than you would for being fooled by Antichrist somewhere along the line. So lets for the sake of argument allow that Antichrist (who's goal is our destruction) is aware of this. Now I could be giving him more credit than he deserves because I'm afraid of torture, but what if there isn't any? Torture that is.

The "author" Tim LaHay who has penned the sooooo sucky "Left Behind" series, has "informed" about a bajillion people that the persecution will be one of violence and slaughter (physical). So....wouldn't a crapload of fundamentalist right wingers spot it if that actually happened? Wouldn't the whole damn thing have to be really subtle from start to almost the finish? Because if it wasn't, wouldn't most of the world spot it? I need to read revelation again. But I think it's highly possible that we won't actually have our backs up against a wall physically. The difficulty of our times will be surviving the deception, and weathering the war of ideas, and the persecution of "liberalism" and "inclusiveness" etc... It will be harder for us to achieve salvation, because we probably won't actually die from torture or in a firing line which might as well be a direct ticket provided we are being killed for God. Only the really really faithful will be able to resist the social pressure, the societological torture to abandon our faith. A persecution such as the world has never seen. One where Christians are bombarded with universally accepted ideas that are so slick, and so wrong, but so totally un-opposed by the world, that they are actually in far more peril than any Christians before them, who were merely under the physical gun. I could be wrong, but I also could be right. I'm not sure what scares me more. Intellectualy I understand that I should be so blessed as to be tortured to death for God. Physically I'm scared of that but it would be the best possible of all deaths.

The possibility of a non-physical persecution is attractive from the "I'm scared of the torture rack" angle, but in reality, it probably puts my soul in a great deal more peril of eternal hell. So I don't know what to think. IT would be most comforting to think that it's going to be the latter (the non-physical torture) and that my church is the church form Revelation which is spared the temptation, which would be relatively smooth sailing. Going and hiding in the desert probably but more than likely no six week George Orwell's 1984 style torture sessions. What do you ask for? I'm scared of the physical torture which means I probably understand it better than I understand the psychological/societal torture and would be better off there, however afraid I am.

So God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, direct me to whichever end is better for me to bring me to an eternal fellowship with you. For I love you Lord, I would not intentionally abandon you or betray you, though I do so often by sinning, I do regret it all and ask your forgiveness. Lead me down a path of alms giving and charity, chastity untill marage and contrite thinking. Make my path a smooth one that I might not stumble, and stumbling over my own feet might right myself again in your strength and not stray into the fire, but walk upon the straight and narrow path unto salvation and eternal joy.

Amen.

Nativity

2005-01-06T19:44:00.000-08:00

And his name shall be called, Wonderful Counciller, Almighty God - The Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace, unto us a child is born.

Well I looked really hard...

2005-01-02T02:17:00.000-08:00

...and I couldn't find an Orthodox rule against gambing. That being the case, I tried it and I liked it. Well, I liked blackjack. Which I was good at, winning upwards of $250, part of which I used to buy a snazzy clock.

Had a blast. New Years was wild. Las Vegas is quite a town. The legalized prostitution is awful, the rest of it is actually quite cool.

Alexey the Sinner

Viva Las Vegas?

2004-12-29T01:31:00.000-08:00

I put a question mark here because I'm not sure any city like that should be Viva'd (Look I invented a word!). I'm going with my sister and a bunch of her army cohorts. We'll be there for three nights and three days. Should be fun. I'm religiously obliged to not gamble...I think. I've never asked because I just assumed it was forbidden. I'll avoid doing it totally unless it's part of a group activity and saying no would be...well, if it would be to snub the entire group. I also don't know anything about it, and I honestly think (at least at the moment) that I wouldn't like it very much. ::shrug:: who knows though. My experience with it is limited to a few games of ad hoc craps in junior high and one quarter in a slot machine in the LV airport during a two hour layover on my way back home from a ski trip in New York....wow. I didn't realize just how cosmopolitan my life actually was untill I wrote that just now. Which is retarded because I'm realizing it while staring at a brand new 19 inch flatscreen computer monitor that I got from my parents for Christmas.

Though, to my credit, I do live in a crappy apartment, eat primarially noodles (or fast food en rout to or from work), and pretty much have to ask for money to do anything major, like car repairs. So I am legitimately poor, but I'm also taken care of...kinda. I'm expected to work my ass off for as much money as I can make to support myself, and as long as I'm doing that, the parental units tacitly agree to pick up the other expenses I can't handle alone.

Anyway, back to the discussion (writ: monolouge) at hand. The primary entertainment will be just bumming around the town for a few days. We'll probably catch one big show (Cirque de Solei or perhaps Blue Man Group) and try our hands at a few gaming tables just for kicks. In all seriousness, none of us have money to burn at gambling, so the activity is strictly for amusement. That being said, I think I'll be done being amused by losing money for litterally no return after the first couple of games. And I'm not allowed to do it anyway. It's really nice being Orthodox, because all the stupid (stupid, stupid, stuipid) stuff that other people do as social expectations (strip clubs/strippers at bachelor partys for example) is stuff that you've got direct instructions not to do, and ergo not only do you avoid (we hope) getting your soul dirty, you also don't stupidly waste money, time, dignity, etc... on pointless crap. Video games are my one indulgance in that area. I don't buy many of them, but the ones I do buy I use extensively. Hey, don't knock it, I live alone, and I have no friends that keep the same hours I do, it keeps me out of trouble.

Anyhoo, Lemony Snickett's: A Series of Unfortunate Events lived up to my movie expectations and even went beyond. Jim Carey is not a perfect Count Olaf, but nobody else in the world could even hope to do it as well as he does. And the kids cast as the Baudeliere orphans are exactly perfect. Blade: Trinity sucked. No pun intended, it just wasn't good. The first two were good, this one was hammy. Although...the scenes (most of them) where the arch-villan (no less than the origional Dracula) was ABSENT, were mostly very entertaining. The actor couldn't act. Which you woud think would preclude him from acting, but aparently this is not a requisite talent.

Alexey the Sinner.

Whew...

2004-12-23T01:45:00.000-08:00

Just read in the news that the TSA (Transportation Saftey Administration) is halting the practice of having their female security guards feel between the breasts of women who get selected for random pat downs. Thank God. Seriously. This had me really ticked off. My initial thought wasn't even about the invasiveness (not really). My thought was, if terrorists can force us to visit this indignity on our women, then havn't they already won? They've forced us to change our ways by visiting death and violence on us. Ergo, is not the best way to fight them to not respond to them? Both Eamon De Valera and Gandhi both held the opinion that simply ignoring the british was the best way to defy them. That the dictatorial british rule of their lands could best be fought by refusing to aknowledge it as a legitimate force. Eventually they would see that they simply cannot force you to change who you are, and quit. Now this does not work perfectly in the real world, but suppose we limited our responses to military ones? If we retaliated when wounded, to the extend required to crush the military power of those involved, but effected no social changes on ourselves, then certianly they would observe that the only reaction gotten by violence was an ass kicking. They can make us fight perhaps (a nation must defend itself, even the Orthodox empire of Byzantium did so as did Russia), but if they are made to know that they cannot force us to change who we are, then they might think to themselves "This is futile. We kill them but nothing we do changes their foregin or domestic policy, and it only gets us hurt, and makes us look worse in the public eye." Wouldn't this just be an extention of the immutable rule "Do not negotiate with terrorists" ?

Philosophy aside, I had another counter-argument to the validity of feeling up the breasts of random female passangers. It wen't something like this:

If a bomb detector can spot a bomb underneath someones clothing, then this absurd practice is totally unnesecary.

If a bomb detector cannot spot a bomb underneath someones clothing, then it definitly can't spot a bomb lodged in a body cavity (use your imagination).

Since any airline bomber is going to die by definition, they wouldn't care about physically stuffing the bomb inside themselves. And sine we can't detect that short of a full body cavity search, which we don't do, and it would therfore not be detected, why bother violating a womans private areas? You can't blow up plastic explosives without a deatonator, and I've never seen or heard of one of those which contained zero metal parts.

My theory, which I have yet to really research, is that the Chechen women who bombed the plane (if that is, indeed what happened, we won't ever actually know) didn't undergo a thourough screening. Probably didn't get metal detected at all. And if they did, they probably didn't go through a bomb detector. And if they did, then they had special explosives that don't give off any ionized gas (the detection of which is how bomb dogs and machines detect explosives). And if they had that, we won't find it anyway. So why bother?

Public immage probably. If I were a betting man I'd say that there are some explosives guys and girls up at the FBI accademy at Quantico laughing their butts off at what the FAA is wiling to say in public to quell fears about the uncontrolable things in life.

Heres one way to fight terrorism. Accept it as a fact of life (and possibly death). The Isralies deal with it all the time, they don't even flinch anymore when it happens on a large scale. They bury their dead, do their best to nail whoever did it, and they go back to living their lives like they did before. If they didn't, then the terrorists would win wouldn't they?

But then if we did things the Isralie way we would have had armoured cockpit doors and four armed guards on every airborn plane, and 9/11 probably wouldn't have happened.

OK, It's late and I've rambled enough.

Alexey the Sinner.

A few things

2004-12-18T23:41:00.000-08:00

First off, wow, my connection is really smooth tonight. Secondly, I'm lonley. It really hit me today, I'm genuinely lonely. I want to get married. I'm going to pray that God direct me down that path, assuming of course that it is in His will. If not, I'm also going to pray for peace about that, because it's something I've really wanted for a long time.

I passed a sore test (of my own making, as so many are) over a year ago. I was very, very in love with a girl. The only problem was that she was an Atheist. The one kind of person I unquestionably could not marry. We were very in love, and breaking up hurt worse, and was more difficult to do than anything else. But from my mindset, there simply wasn't any other choice. God, or the girl. That is no choice. Not when Hell is on the one hand and the possibility of Salvation is on the other. No, there was no choice (really) but it still was amazingly difficult to do. Like trying to break out of a gravity well with a weak rocket engine, it is arduous.

Anyway, I'm tired of being alone (and I admit I'd like to not be celibate either), but the being with someone is the biggest thing by far. I'm a romantic soul, I admit it, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have it.

Problem is that not only do I live in a city with virtually no Orthodox, I'm also moving soon (relatively), going to graduate school (God willing) at the beginning of next school year. I'm hoping that wherever I go, there will be a nice Orthodox church, with some nice Orthodox girls. One my age, with hopefully some of my interests, and some good looks would not hurt either. Although truth be told, I honestly don't think I'd care to much as long as she was at least average looking. Is that shallow of me? I'm asking honestly. There are only so many girls I find physically attractive, just like everyone else, but is that intrinsically wrong? I can't generate feelings where none exist (this can provide some unhappily akward moments of having to explain that you're just-not-interested, it hasn't happend a lot, but a few times is more than enough...) ::shrug:: Either you feel it or you don't, we don't live in an age where blind arranged marrages happen anymore (for all practicality).

Well shucks, now I'm all sentimental. I broke the fast big time today, maybe that's why. There was a feast offered for the employees at the Barnes and Noble where I work. It's an anual thing and I figured one day off the fast wouldn't hurt. And I know perfeclty well I can get emotionally worked up over something without the help of non-fasting food to get my blood heated up, but still... ::shrug:: it's beyond my ken, part of my many spiritual weaknesses. Purer thoughts and minds come from fasting and I voulentarially didn't do it today, a mistake I guess, but an honest one.

God forgive me all my many faults.

Alexey the Sinner.

Nativity Season

2004-12-13T01:19:00.000-08:00

I wish I had a normal life. It would be nice to be caught up more in church than in anything else. I wish that the rest of my life were stable, or at least on a predictable curve (as opposed to the 'chaos-theory-demonstration' which is the grad school application process). All I'm saying is, it would be nice for the Holy Season to have an unchallenged spot in my life. Now, it ought to have this anyway. Priorities have always been a phantom problem for me. But a hundred and twenty miles seperate me from my house of worship and the task which is required for me to have a career is at hand. I hope I'm doing His will with this thing, because other wise, I'm putting the wrong foot forward getting so caught up in it, especially during the buildup to the celebration of the birth of the Savior.

Alexey the Sinner

Well aint that a B!@#$

2004-12-02T01:52:00.000-08:00

Aparently one of my sisters in Christ at church has cancer. This is what I get for not going more than every four weeks or so. Not that I have a lot of choice in the matter, but still, being out of the info loop sucks. I really, really, really need to get up there every weekend, somehow. My brother is finally going to get Cathecised (forgive the spelling, I'm depressed and worried). This is beyond gret, but how I'll get him there ever weekend is a mystery to me. I may be forced to take someone up on their offer of gas money. The reason I didn't take it before was because I felt that A) I get up often enough for myself anyway, seeing as how I do get confession and communion every time I go. and B) There are surley people who need it worse than I do, considering how much cash our church doesnt have.

Getting ready for Grad school is hectic. I've got my letter of reccomendation materials all printed and ready to roll, beyond which most of them are in the hands of the people who need them to write the letters. Past that I have to actually sit down and fill out all the applications. Not exactly sure when I'll do that but Friday is looking good since I have it off work (that just occured to me now actually). I've got two trips coming up, and I don't want to take either of them, but I can't not do them. First, I've been invited by my sister to Las Vegas for New Years. Never mind that this is in the middle of Orthodox Nativity season and the last thing I ought to be doing is hiting Vegas for any reason, but I'm also going to be loosing probably $200 by not working those four days. I'm on the verge of telling my sister that I have to cancle on her. I REALLY don't want to do that though. We've never really had much of an opportunity to hang out, and I can tell that this is totally important to her. I'm religiously forbidden form gambling (I presume anyway, I cannot imagine Orthodoxy actually allowing it), and I can't afford tickets to any of the shows. So I'm going because I cannot turn my sister down in this case, it is too important that I do something with her. Not going would be wasting a priceless opportunity to mend fences and build a better friendship with her.

The next trip is also to God Forsaken Nevada, except Reno, and for a much more wholesome purpose. My Brother (the one begging for cathecism) has an anual Pole Vault meet there. My mother, who likes to lean on me about things I've never actually gone and done with the family, leaned on me about this. It was kind of a guilt trip thing, I like my little brother, but I'd be lying if I said I was all that interested in his pole vaulting. Why I'm not, I don't know, I think it's because I've been moved out of the house since before he started doing it, it's just never been a part of my world.

Maybe I'll cancel that. I'll have hell to pay from my mother but...I can't do everything. In fact I'll have to. If I miss that week, that will be two weeks I miss during january, and there is no way in hell I can pay rent and be gone that long. Well, one trip has to go, and I'm sorry, but I see my brother all the time, and he and I are close friends. My sister on the other hand has never liked me, and this is a sincear invitation, and she really wants me there. I've got to pick, I pick Vegas for New Years. I'll get burned for it, but I litterally cannot do both.

Also, tonight the bank ATM screwed up. I was asking for $20 so I could pay for parking at the U of A tomorow, it spit out $220. Draining my account of half the money required for the rent cheque I wrote yesterday. Thanks to the "Check 21" law that went into effect with the election, it now only takes around 24 hours for a check to clear or bounce, effectively eliminating the float time. So I had to cancle my first experiment down at the U of A so I can go put the cash back in my account. A minor annoyance, and more of one to the poor sucker who got his (probably very important) two credit experiment cancled at the absolout last second, but I can't get evicted now can I?

Things are crazy, hectic isn't a good enough word. On the plus side, I've found a computer alarm-clock program so effective that I effectively do not fear waking up late anymore. Rock on.

Thaks be to God for all His many blessings and His Son our Lord Jesus Christ whom has Given us the Victory.

Praise be to God!

Alexey the Sinner

I have a headache

2004-11-22T01:29:00.000-08:00

The headache is from screaming, and from being heatedly angry for a long period of time.

Heres what happened:

I slogged on over to Mom and Dads today to do laundry and hang out with the family for a while, have a meal or two. Towards the end of the night, after everything had gone quite well, my mother did something that stuck in my craw. She asked me to help Grandma get to the doctors on Tuesday. No big thing in and of itself...but...it was the way she asked. I said sure, I'll do it, no problem. The way she asked was to put it in terms of how she needed the help. And it bugged the hell out of me. Oh I probably read too much into it, but I suspect her motives a lot. Perhaps if I hadnt...

Anyway. So I asked her if I could talk to her in a different room for a moment and she said OK. So we left the living room with Grandma in it and went out to the dining room. It started with a simple enough statement from me, "I don't like it when you put things like that". What I meant was, and let me try to remember clearly, it seemed like she was slapping me in the face. I believed, at the time, that the way she was asking me was...sort of ambush like. Asked me right in front of her, and made it a plea as well. Of course I'll help, but I did NOT like being put in that situation deliberately. She could have asked me like that aside, not in front of Grandma, or she could have just put it bluntly. "This needs to be done and I need you to help with it."

So I, foolishly, picked this as a time to take this particular issue on. I have this notion, which I aknowledge now is false, of my mother as being my Grandma's overzealous defender, to the tune of evicerating anyone she feels is paying the venerable old girl less than her vast due. Am I wrong? Heck, I don't know anymore. I do think the deliberate guilt trips on her part were wrong, and I think the way she put the question to me was...tactless, assuming it was not deliberate, in which case it was just a plain old ambush.

My mother deserves a defense here. She has three sisters, one of whom pays interest in helping Grandma out in her declining years, and she happens to live in northern California. The other two just aren't there. One is an alcoholic who has almost no contact with us anyway, and the other is a hardcore Jehovas Witness who in addition to having religious issues with the fact that we aren't JWs, also doesn't like my mom. So anyway, of the four sisters, my mother is alone in caring for Grandma. This is a big time stress addition. Not the caregiving, the lack of support. So she turns to us. And aparently the help has been there when she did so. Colin and Dad took time off school and work respectively and so did mom. All to get Grandma to her appointments. It has been decided at this point that she shouldn't have to go to any of them alone, in spite of the fact that she can still drive. After thinking about this, I agree. But I didn't before, becuase nobody told me that she was scared. Now I could be slapped for not just assuming this, but the woman never displays any fear. A point which my mother conceeded.

So there I was, not helping out. And then she asked me, and weather or not she did a deliberate ambush, she had a point. I had not helped much in the past. Now, in my defense, I never had more than short warning with one or two exceptions, one of which I confess I forgot about. It was cancled, thankfully, but I did drop the ball. In my further defense, of the people who can help her and go with her to her appointment, I am the only one whos long term future is critically dependant on being in a particular place at a particular time practically every day. Namely the Psycholinguistics lab at the U of A. I MUST earn my letter of reccomendation or I don't make it into graduate school. Period, no alternative. Is this more important than my Grandma? It shouldn't be. Is it in my head? I aknowledge for the first time that it may be. It is wrong for it to be so, but it maybe. Part of my lack of effort on the Grandma front was the fact that she is over at my parents house practically every Sunday, and as often as not so am I. So I see her freequently, but I didn't appreciate the upstep in importance of visiting her. Well, it's been scheduled now so I'll be doing it regularly.

Anyway, back to the ugly story (though the above massive paragraph covered a lot of background so it'll be short), this devolved into an ugly fight between me and my mom. It started with her being concillary and saying it was OK, she'd deal with it, I shouldn't bother with it. It was her 'rising above', and I couldn't stand it. I didn't think at the time, but I aknowledge now, that she may well have been doign just that. I took it to be a slap in the face, as it had in fact been any number of times in the past, when she did something like that. But I coudn't let it go, I sank my talons in and went for blood. I railed at her, falsely, for ripping the guts out of anyone who didn't kiss the ground Grandma walked on, just to exagerate it hugely for the sake of making a point. She fought back ugly, dared me to ask for even one more dollar of help from her. It should be said that Grandma gave me some cash to help cover expenses tonight, and it disgusted my mom that I was taking money from someone I 'refused' to help out.

Well naturally it wasn't any deliberate neglect, or lack of caring on my part. I honestly believed that I was unable to do anything useful because I was stacked to the max busy with all the stuff that Grandma had, in fact, paid for me to be able to do in the first place. Namely college. I do not argue that I had done less than my share.

I think what it boils down to is this. I've always looked upon my mother as someone who uses ugly tactics in an argument including guilt and bald faced false desperation etc... and I felt like ripping off her mask of deception and screaming it in her face that I knew exactly what she was up to. Well, I did. It was the taunting that I couldn't back away from. That gentile, 'no, I don't expect you to contribute. Just go away now and don't expect anything from me in the way of help. You don't help after all..." the deliberately calm tone of voice done for exactly the sake of...again I assume. I wanted to rub it in her face that be ugly and obvious tactics were plain for all to see and that nothing was lost on anyone. Well, I picked the wrong subject matter for the first place. She'll defend her mother like a scorpion defending it's nest, totally and with unremitting violence. And she percieved this as an attack on her mom. Here I was trying to proove that I was willing to help...she just kep telling me that no, I wasn't.

The whole damn thing sucked. I leveled at her an accusation of finantial extortion, do this or else I don't support you anymore, accused her of none too subtley ruling with an iron fist full of cash. Told her that nobody was even allowed to disagree with her without suffering the full unflinching fury of her anger, and that because she held reigns of power she could do just exactly that, that she was flexing muscle for the sake of flexing muscle.

It wasn't going to end. And then an angel of mercy showed up in the form of my dad who wanted to make peace. And he pulled it off, he totally pulled it off. He showed up and talked us down out of our trees, well, he talked me down out of my tree and he got Mom to lighten up. It took a while but we calmed down and made up.

I don't know exactly at what point the argument reached critical mass and took on a life of it's own but we did our share of screaming at each other, mostly in turns.

It is true, that I am neglegent. I forget to do things, and I just don't worry about them as much as I ought to. This makes my mother really angry, and ture enough, if I was good about it she probably wouldn't be. Hell, I don't know.

I look back at it, through the ache in my brain and the time spent relaxing in front of a video game afterwords...it was all just ugly, and I started it. I couldn't stand agreeing to her wishes when it meant swallowing all her insinuations without challenging them...if the insinuations were there in the first place...

I just want to go to sleep.

Forvie me Father for all the ugly things I have wrought this day, break them apart and let them cause no more suffering.

Alexey the Sinner.

Application looming

2004-11-20T23:46:00.000-08:00

Soon...SOON I WILL SET MY EVIL PLAN INTO MOTION!!!!

Which is to say I"ll be applying for graduate school in about ten days. I've got to spurce up the 'ole personal statement. Put together an actual resume, get my transcripts, pay some fees, and collect my letters of reccomendation.

Soon it'll all be in God's hands. And under the kindly influence of whatever committies are evaluating my applications.

Help me out here Father, I'll need it.

Alexey the Sinner.

OK, not despairing as I was before.

2004-11-06T02:20:00.000-08:00

Prayer can renew your heart. Totally. I love doing it, I feel better already. If you've been reading the post immediately before this one, I was despondant and fearing. I fear no less now I think, but I am not cheerless and depressed either. I am afraid, but excited, and joyful, and I think, less of a jerk than I was before. A little at least, I hope. Do read that post though, it is an excellent window into the heart of a desparing man who fears that he may be led astray from Christ. And in fact, it is somethign that can happen, but I have a warrior on my side who will not go gentily into the night. He will wage battle on behalf of my soul forever and ever untill the ending of days. I do not struggle alone, and in the end, I will make it in his Grace if I should choose to hold true to his teachings and his word.

Make me more hearing of thy truest teachings of Lord Jesus Christ. For I am in need.

Also, I really like St. Sebastian the Martyr. If there is a way, and I am going to investegate this, of taking his name as well as the name of my Patron Alexios, I am going to do it. Perhaps I can have an Orthodox middle name?

Alexey Sebastian Tilton. Good sounding name I think.

Here is an Icon of St. Sebastian.

Alexey the Sinner

I am really depressed.

2004-11-06T01:52:00.000-08:00

This is something which typically does happen to me when I'm reading stuff concerning the end of the world. The thing which scares me most, at present, is the things which I think could decieve me when the end is coming.

For instance, I was reading an Orthodox website tonight, and I didn't realize that the Antichrist is going to dwell in the rebuilt temple, at least metaphorically. I just thought the rebuilding of the temple was a sign of the end. I did not think that whoever was in the temple was going to be Christ, but I had no idea it would be the Antichrist's seat of authority. It makes sense of course, because he will be the messiah to the unbelieving Jews. I'm scared. 'Watch ye therfore, for ye know not when the master cometh', I am scared.

All the things I don't know. And yet, with a simple Orthodox understanding, the vast majority of things which even the Othodox great ones of recent times have pointed out as alarming signs of the imminent nature of the Apocalypse, are dispelled. But I fear the subtlety, I fear the Antichrist will be so (i want to insert an explative here) clever that I will be led right into the lake of fire. I'm scared.

I read in an article by Hiromonk Seraphim Rose about a woman who, near the end of comunist rule in Russia, was institutionalized by the state authorities for crossing herself in public. They tried all sorts of things to get her to stop, though she held on strong. A group from a church learned about her plight and came to the hospital and talked to the doctors. Eventually the doctors admitted they had no laws saying they had to or even could keep her there, and they released her.

The woman, when speaking of her captivity to the churh members who got her out, said that while she was captive, she felt calm. As though there were a presence with her. But now that she was out, she was nervous about it happening again.

Part of this I take to be the human condition of simply not feeling as bad about a bad thing once it has actually begun to happen, as we do while we are waiting for it to happen. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, is worse than all the hell that follows.

While I do not claim or even think that the tribulations of the End of All Times will be less excruciating than the waiting for them, at least once they have begun, that feeling of anxiety, of wondering when it will happen, will then be aleviated. Honestly, in my human condition, as I am now, I fear the rack less than I fear living a long life. I do now know what horrors would be visited on me in a chamber with nobody but myself and the workers of torment, but Christ would be with me, because I would be suffering for his sake. Outside I am not suffering, and my prayer life is weak, I am sinful, and I am neglectful of the blessings I have been given. I am so base as to stay up late at night and then collapse into bed because I am too tired to do my prayers. This is not as freequent as it used to be, and I am doing better about it, but to my shame, it is fear of the End that is scaring me into line. I do Love you Lord Christ, and I do not desire to dissapoint you, bring me suffering rather than let things be so easy that I forget you.

Even as I sit and write these things, I fear the loss of my comfortable place in the secular world. But make me fear hell more. Make me fear not the loss of anything corporeal, Dear Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Son of God whom died upon the Cross as a sacrifice to break the power of Sin I am scared that my humanness will make me wind up in Hell. Break it away from me, burn it off, take my life apart in wreckage that i might praise you only and have no other recorse than to exhalt you or die. Free me from these things which imprision my spirit in my flesh, teach me not to care for things of this world, and teach me to live for the Kingdom which is to Come. Teach me not to fear the flames of fire and the ache of famin, teach me not to hate but to love those that annoy me and cause me irritation. Teach me to pray for my enemies now, in the here and now, that I am not caught unawares when the hour of darkness decends upon the earth and the Sun sheds no more light and the moon is as blood. Forgive me my many weaknesses which I embrace of my own wickid free will. Break me of my attachments to this place which is the physical earth and not the Kingdom Which Is To Come and Never Perish.

Break me as with a rod of Iron, that I may be humble and contrite. Make me to be more obediente to thy statutes and less attentive to that which the world which is wickid and fallen, has taught me to love.

Direct my mind away from fanciful fantasys and from yearning for things which are not in the here and now which I do not need. Break my thoughts instead of allowing them to surface in my brains when they are not directed at Your Glory. Deprive us not of Thy Heavenly Kingdom, but as Thou camest among Thy disciples, O Savior, giving them peace, so come to us and save us!

GLORY TO THE FATHER AND TO THE SON AND TO THE HOLY SPIRIT!
BOTH NOW AND EVER AND UNTO THE AGES OF AGES AMEN!
KYRIELEYSON! KYRIELEYSON! KYRIELEYSON!
FATHER BLESS!

Alexey the Sinner.

And then again....

2004-11-03T02:58:00.000-08:00

I did.

Yup. Couldn't not do it after all that posturing. Oh I felt the way I said I felt, and then after being admonished by everybody and their uncle, I felt differently. I don't know what any of that means. The practical output of the situation was that my manager OKd me to take my lunch early so I could go vote. Ironically, everything turned out exactly as it would have had I not voted. Arizona was easily in the Bush camp. All the ballot issues went exactly the way I figured they would, though in truth that is no clarvoyance because they were all either very easy calls, or valence propositions that nobody was actually against (basically maintinence laws of various sorts). The only one that I felt stongly about was known as "Proposition 200". It required presentation of US citizenship when registering to vote.

So...I did what I think I always knew I was going to do. I'd written it off, said I didn't like either of them. But when it came down to it, I felt an overpowering compulsion...that I could not, not speak my piece, raise my voice. I could not just...do nothing. I accept the Orthodox theology which suggests that the best thing to do is probably not vote at all, because voting is contrary to the Orthodox understanding that an earthly state is meant to be run by a Christian King. For the people, not the rulers but the ruled, to speak in the governing of the state is, in fact, wrong. But we live where we live. And we do not act in defiance of the law of the land in voting, but rather at it's invitation. America, is in its way, an abberition that spread to the rest of the world with the irresistable lure of greater personal freedom for the masses, where before everyone answered to some manner of a king.

But I did not make it that way. Though I was rased to cherish it, though we are raised to cherish many things which are Un-holy. Still, we are where we are. Is it wrong for Christians to vote? I don't feel wrong for having done it. But that means nothing, my feelings have been a poor guide to Godliness as long as I can remember. In a purely mechanical analysis, I must say, in retrospect, that yes, the act itself is wrong. And in this moment, I regret having done it, but damn...it was a strong draw. It was like...like having gravity pull you towards it. The system itself is wrong. It is ours to submit to authority, not shape that authority. Rulers are chosen by God, not by man, and for man to play at being God is an act of rebellion. God forgive me.

I'm sorry I couldn't see it before, I was blinded by my desire for change.

I am sorry.

Alexey the Sinner.

I just can't bring myself to do it.

2004-10-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to vote for president. Both candidates are horrible, horrible choices. Kerry for his willingness to say anything, and simultaniously claim to be Catholic while endorsing abortion and some form of Gay marrage, and Bush for his fascist Patroit act and illegal invasions of foregin entitys. I am however going to go and vote on the ballot issues, because I think those are important. And there, your vote really does mean something. Becides which, there are a couple of really good ones to raise tons of money for schools. Those need to happen, and I'll lend my vote to help them.

God forever watch over and guard this fool, your wretched servant. Speak in my heart that I might always know the way, no matter what.

Thank you for Everything, Lord. Amen.

Alexey the Sinner.

These things must needs be so

2004-10-28T16:45:00.000-07:00

Persecution of Christians in America

Read, weep, be afraid, pray, be comforted, take joy, find peace. In that order.

Alexey the Sinner

It never fails.

2004-10-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

Well almost never. Sometimes I'm up really late and I elect (badly) to just crash into a coma, no evening prayers. Often when this happens, I have some really fu*ked up dreams. Take last night for example. That was fun, it was vivid enough that I was convinced I was going to have to confess the real thing next time I'm able to make it to church up in Phoenix. I have got to raise the bar there and come up with a better prayer rule. That and going to bed earlier than 3:AM would probably help. Duh.

I'm a moron.

Alexey the Sinner.

Booze.

2004-10-26T03:39:00.000-07:00

I miss beer. Vodka and Tequilla are fine beverages, but beer is just...well, it's beer, and I'm German. But I can't afford beer right now. Every dollar counts this month. I'm...sort of behind on my bills but not really. You see, I'm paid up on my Cable bill, but they (like usual) sent me a billing statement to the effect that I hadn't paid them much at all last month, instead of paying for two full months and my cable modem all at once like I actually did.

My electric bill, containing the spillover from my last apartment and the first months juice from the new place was $200. This, I believe, is from my failure to figure out the appliances in this place perfectly for the first few weeks. I paid $150 of it when the notice came that said I was overdue. They've not sent me another sayint they'll cut me off, so I think paying the last $50 can wait till I get some more money.

I've called in the final airstrike. The last of my college money is going to be on it's way as soon as I e-mail the family accountant and ask for it. I'm tired of having to scrounge. Oh, I'll have to do it again soon enough, but with my raise and increased hours, this three grand or so should last me almost untill the end of my lease if I use it wisely.

Mom and Dad will always help me if I ask for it also, I just hate to do that to them. Honestly, it never really occurs to me unless I'm totally up against a wall. ::shrug:: I've got a trip to Las Vegas coming up in a few weeks here. Big computer geek patry. They'll be almost 20 of us, it'll be one hell of a shindig. Four days in Vegas playing computer games with friends, not much better than that for me, given that I'm single.

Ahh yes, it would be nice to have a wife, and not be celibate. However I have discovered that celibacy truly is freedom. Seriously, you just don't worry about it anymore. And none of those feelings of self loathing that come from immersing yourself in porn for a few hours. I've been clean, I'm happy to say, since late June. Four full months at this point. Whoot!

Now I know why catholic priests are famous for taking a nip whenver they can. It's the only vice left open to them!

Let us pose a theological question, just to see if anyone is listning. Hi Fr. John!

Suppose (and this is a true hypothetical, it has not happened...yet) that you have a less than humanitarian supervisor at work. Suppose also that this person is abusive to you in some form. The Christian responsability is to take the abuse, and pray for him, because after all we want others to be forgiven their sins, because we want no one to end up in hell. We are also, not supposed to go to a higher authority (except God) and complain. We are just supposed to take the abuse.

First question: Is there a point at which the abuse is too much and you are spiritually justified in going to a higher (secular) authority? I've been told on very good authority that the circumstances under which you are not required to comply are when the orders conflict with Gods law or that of the state. Which, in reality, pretty much coveres any extreme circumstances.
Second question: Suppose this same supervisor is being abusive (but within the letter of the law) to another employee. The supervisor is aware of your religious beliefs and exploits them. He orders you not to reveal his abuses to his superiors. What do you do? My theory here is that not informing his superiors would be in violation of Gods law to protect others and so you should do it...but perhaps not. I can also see that it would be our duity to comply even with that. Since, after all, he may be abuising authority, but it is authority he does in fact have.

Third question: If you honestly feel that the best way of helping this malignant individual to correct their ways is to tell someone higher up the ladder about what he/she is doing, can you? If your concern is truly not for yourself, but for the bum that is riding you like a bull, is it not better to see him slapped down before he can get himself into actual, serious trouble?

Fourth question: What degree of information restriction is acceptable? If my supervisor asks me a question, and I know what he really wants to know, but I also know of a not untruthful answer to the question that will deny him the knowledge he actually seeks,, must I still give it to him? To put that into English: If he's a moron, but I know what he's getting at, am I obligated to reword his question for him so that he can exact the information he's actually trying to get?

I bring this up because it seems to be a talent I have (seriously here). I see someone at a loss for words, or not quite putting a finger on the concept they're trying to express, instantly grasp it, and then I have the option of explaining their thinking to them in the appropriate words. I admit to a visceral enjoyment of listning to someone posit a stupid argument, clarifying their own argument for them, and then crushing my own clarification of their argument just when they think I've agreed with thim. It's really, really, really fun. Crestfallen faces on iddiots...priceless. It's a vice of mine, one I've got to quit or answer for in front of the gates at the Dread Judgment. I have a liking for firing jokes over peoples heads, and watching them sail on by, without even being noticed, let alone understood. There is some bent appeal in the notion that they're never, ever, going to understand what was going on. Bad Alexey, seriously, thats a seriously bad thing to be doing.

Anyway, as a Christian, am I obligated to explain someone elses argument to them so they know what question to ask in order to make my life difficult?

Alexey the Sinner.

At long last!

2004-10-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

Everyone needs to click on This Link.

Nuff said.

Alexey the Sinner

Feds wedding

2004-10-24T04:24:00.000-07:00

Was awsome!

I was even asked to make a speech. I had thought about that maybe happening before actually going to the wedding. And it occured to me, and was agreed upon by Fed himself, that there are no publically appropriate stories about Fed. But I did get asked to make a speech just like I imagined I might. Fortunately I was able to improvise quite well, I settled on roasting my friend of many years. I'm told it was a good speech, but I was reasonably drunk and I don't remember much of it. I'd dearly love to see the video tape. People kept telling me afterwords, "Good speech!"

Alexey the Sinner