Idle hands, minds, and bodies
There is, perhaps, no easier path to sin than boredom. Some paths are more direct, and some far shorter, but none as easy, or as seductive. I submit myself as an example. What feels like a long time ago now, which was in reality a week before the end of June of this year (2004 A.D.) I took an oath, or a vow I suppose. Standing in the shower in my grandparents eighteenth century house in upstate Cooperstown, New York I vowed, after having confessed to a priest of the Orthodox church, (of which I am a member), that I had, in the past (long ago now), looked at illegal pornography. This weighed particularly heavily on my soul, because one can imagine what it must take for pornography to actually be illegal in this, most egalitarian of countries.
I vowed that never again would I knowingly look at pornography (I assumed that now and again, being a web lurker, I would get ambushed), nor masturbate, nor receive any sexual pleasure outside holy wedlock. The action of making a vow has, in and of itself, a great deal of power. I'd never done it before, but I did it then with all sincerity and resolve. Did I expect myself to be able to hold to it perfectly? Or at all? No, I did not. But I did it anyway, knowing that only by making such a vow could I hope to actually end my liking for pornography (I looked at all sorts) once and for all. And it worked, until yesterday.
Yesterday I received a rather astonishing spam. It advertised child pornography. I assumed it could not be for real. "They wouldn't send it out to people who could just report them to the FBI" I thought, "It is most likely porn, but it cannot really be what it says it is." Well...it was. I was shocked, and scared. Not shocked to discover child porn on the internet, I'd known full well you could find that. I was shocked to discover that someone had send out a spam about it. Wouldn't they just get shut down? After the shockwave cleared my central brain I clicked closed the web browser window with the offending site on it.
Scared that I might be tempted to look at it, I compulsively deleted the e-mail, feeling terrible that I had ever actually clicked the link to see what it really was. I'd had no business doing it to begin with, but it was stupid curiosity, not lust, that drove the decision to click that link the first time.
Yes, the first time. I clicked it again once to make sure I hadn't imagined it, and I got an eyeful. It was as ugly as I'd thought it was, and just as bad as you can think. That was the only other time I actually looked at the webpage. After making sure it really was what I thought it was, I forwarded the IP address (it had no URL as such) to the FBI, via their website. I gave the FBI my name, phone number, physical address, e-mail address, and told them I would keep the e-mail to forward it to them in case they wanted it for some reason.
After waiting about twenty-four hours, I deleted the e-mail anyway. My apologies to the federal authorities, but I couldn't take having the link in my possession anymore, and I felt better after having disposed of it. But this incident kicked open a door. I suddenly got curious about weather or not there were any new and interesting stories....On the erotic stories website I used to frequent. Some of them had actual storylines I told myself, I wanted to check up on them. Yes, certainly, and the current administration was totally ignorant as to the fact that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. I don't' know what it was that I was feeling. Browsing the stories again gave me a sexual thrill, that much is certain, but I wasn't feeling, for lack of a better word, horny, before I got to the website. And even while I was there I didn't feel incredibly sexually aroused, just somewhat aroused.
::EDIT:: What occured to me, therfore, was that I had gained (by taking the vow) a strong ability to walk away from it and resist the temptation of it, but had not managed to kill my liking for it in general. ::::
Starve something long enough and the hunger itself will make a lunge at the first drop of blood. I made the decision both to click that link, and to look at that second website. Afterwards I felt awful. The dark, ugly feeling of having broken part of my vow did not go away without serious praying.
All this was set in motion by free will decisions, no argument. But it ought also be noted that these free will decisions were made, when there were very few if any other decisions that needed making. I was quite bored at the time. Indeed, even back before taking that vow, porn typically took a second seat to basically anything else that was interesting. I might spend a good deal of time with the porn, but I didn't go seeking out an opportunity to look at it. The opportunities came because I didn't bother doing very much at all with my free time. I didn't practice violin, I didn't do homework, I didn't do athletics, though I did read a whole lot of books.
And now, I sit with guilt on my hands, even if my soul does feel better for having confessed these things in prayer. I gave in to temptation, yes, but worse, I did it because I wanted to. Every time I make a major sin I become painfully more aware of one thing: temptation is not what makes you do anything. You make yourself do everything that you do. All the temptation in the world is only a smokescreen, telling you that the choice is not yours, but it is. When you break that rule, when you break that promise, all the tempting in the entire universe is only noise. The decision to actually move forward and sin, is always yours, and always deliberate. Sometimes we don't realize we are sinning, and that is more difficult to prevent, and easier to eliminate at the same time. We can simply learn less sinful habits. But processesed, cognizant actions are always a choice. You have to actually do something, and that choice is only ever yours to make.
That being said...Human beings are incredibly weak. And if they're staring down the barrel of temptation too long, eventually they will flinch. Give me enough time sitting in front of my computer with nothing to do, and eventually, I will find something sinful to do with it.
This is the beginning of a new Blog for me. The last one was the work of me, when I wanted to dump my brains most toxic runoff in a public place and dare people to look at it. This one will be different. It may, occasionally, be worth reading.
Unworthily yours, Alexey the Sinner.
I vowed that never again would I knowingly look at pornography (I assumed that now and again, being a web lurker, I would get ambushed), nor masturbate, nor receive any sexual pleasure outside holy wedlock. The action of making a vow has, in and of itself, a great deal of power. I'd never done it before, but I did it then with all sincerity and resolve. Did I expect myself to be able to hold to it perfectly? Or at all? No, I did not. But I did it anyway, knowing that only by making such a vow could I hope to actually end my liking for pornography (I looked at all sorts) once and for all. And it worked, until yesterday.
Yesterday I received a rather astonishing spam. It advertised child pornography. I assumed it could not be for real. "They wouldn't send it out to people who could just report them to the FBI" I thought, "It is most likely porn, but it cannot really be what it says it is." Well...it was. I was shocked, and scared. Not shocked to discover child porn on the internet, I'd known full well you could find that. I was shocked to discover that someone had send out a spam about it. Wouldn't they just get shut down? After the shockwave cleared my central brain I clicked closed the web browser window with the offending site on it.
Scared that I might be tempted to look at it, I compulsively deleted the e-mail, feeling terrible that I had ever actually clicked the link to see what it really was. I'd had no business doing it to begin with, but it was stupid curiosity, not lust, that drove the decision to click that link the first time.
Yes, the first time. I clicked it again once to make sure I hadn't imagined it, and I got an eyeful. It was as ugly as I'd thought it was, and just as bad as you can think. That was the only other time I actually looked at the webpage. After making sure it really was what I thought it was, I forwarded the IP address (it had no URL as such) to the FBI, via their website. I gave the FBI my name, phone number, physical address, e-mail address, and told them I would keep the e-mail to forward it to them in case they wanted it for some reason.
After waiting about twenty-four hours, I deleted the e-mail anyway. My apologies to the federal authorities, but I couldn't take having the link in my possession anymore, and I felt better after having disposed of it. But this incident kicked open a door. I suddenly got curious about weather or not there were any new and interesting stories....On the erotic stories website I used to frequent. Some of them had actual storylines I told myself, I wanted to check up on them. Yes, certainly, and the current administration was totally ignorant as to the fact that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction. I don't' know what it was that I was feeling. Browsing the stories again gave me a sexual thrill, that much is certain, but I wasn't feeling, for lack of a better word, horny, before I got to the website. And even while I was there I didn't feel incredibly sexually aroused, just somewhat aroused.
::EDIT:: What occured to me, therfore, was that I had gained (by taking the vow) a strong ability to walk away from it and resist the temptation of it, but had not managed to kill my liking for it in general. ::::
Starve something long enough and the hunger itself will make a lunge at the first drop of blood. I made the decision both to click that link, and to look at that second website. Afterwards I felt awful. The dark, ugly feeling of having broken part of my vow did not go away without serious praying.
All this was set in motion by free will decisions, no argument. But it ought also be noted that these free will decisions were made, when there were very few if any other decisions that needed making. I was quite bored at the time. Indeed, even back before taking that vow, porn typically took a second seat to basically anything else that was interesting. I might spend a good deal of time with the porn, but I didn't go seeking out an opportunity to look at it. The opportunities came because I didn't bother doing very much at all with my free time. I didn't practice violin, I didn't do homework, I didn't do athletics, though I did read a whole lot of books.
And now, I sit with guilt on my hands, even if my soul does feel better for having confessed these things in prayer. I gave in to temptation, yes, but worse, I did it because I wanted to. Every time I make a major sin I become painfully more aware of one thing: temptation is not what makes you do anything. You make yourself do everything that you do. All the temptation in the world is only a smokescreen, telling you that the choice is not yours, but it is. When you break that rule, when you break that promise, all the tempting in the entire universe is only noise. The decision to actually move forward and sin, is always yours, and always deliberate. Sometimes we don't realize we are sinning, and that is more difficult to prevent, and easier to eliminate at the same time. We can simply learn less sinful habits. But processesed, cognizant actions are always a choice. You have to actually do something, and that choice is only ever yours to make.
That being said...Human beings are incredibly weak. And if they're staring down the barrel of temptation too long, eventually they will flinch. Give me enough time sitting in front of my computer with nothing to do, and eventually, I will find something sinful to do with it.
This is the beginning of a new Blog for me. The last one was the work of me, when I wanted to dump my brains most toxic runoff in a public place and dare people to look at it. This one will be different. It may, occasionally, be worth reading.
Unworthily yours, Alexey the Sinner.
posted by Alexios at 2:36 AM
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