A blissfully normal day
Nothing weird happened today. It was nice and predictable, which is a step up from my earlier problems of recent days. My ex-girlfriend and my best friend in the world, Megan, is sleeping over tonight. She in the bedroom, I in the floor in the other room in front of the TV. We are hanging out early tomorrow so it made no sense for her to make the half hour plus drive back home. I worry about her sometimes. Her affection for me seems to have decreased not at all since we were "a couple". In fact the only thing that doesn't happen now is physical intimacy, and even then were addicted to snuggling/cuddling. Can't help it, she's incredibly dear to me, and I love her deeply. It's not romantic, not at the moment, but it could be again, and it used to be.
She's a strange bird. No feelings about religion and faith whatsoever. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't dig any up in her. Not even negative ones. It was like sticking a pole into a deep lake, it's totally unmoved by your actions. Neither hot, nor cold... And we know what that leads to.
I have an appointment tomorrow and so I must get to bed. Today was not active enough really for me to do an incredible amount of obvious sinning. Well, probably if I'd been paying attention it would have been obvious. Lets see, I spent most of work (though I did get my work done pretty well) lost in a fantasy about being a starfighter pilot on the edge of the solar system. Because it was entertaining, and it kept my mind busy while I performed the not unpleasant, but not highly stimulating task of straightening shelves and putting away books.
Also, I've noticed that I have a tendency to poke my nose into things I ought not be poking my nose into because I have a puckish interest in seeing what it is. Kind of a juvenile, "Ohh ohh, I bet I know what's in there. And I want to see it!" kind of thing. And it's amazingly stupid crap to boot. Like badly written books in the "Teen fiction" section on the outer wall of the children's section when I'm upstairs reading it. Ugh, one of the books was...How to describe it. It was one of those books predicated on people being fascinated by teenage angst. Except the book was about the 'angst' surrounding a highschool girl coming out as a lesbian. Didn't contain anything juicy, not that I found anyway. And honestly, I wasn't looking for that. I just...Heck I don't know, I just wanted to see it. I knew it was in there, so I had to have a look. Stupid eh? Curiosity killed the cat, it also screwed up the Christians spiritual life when he couldn't bottle it up long enough to get himself out of danger.
Oye, listen to me. I almost went off on a rant about how inane and boring teenage angst books are. UGHHHH!!!! USELESS!!! WASTE!!!! OF!!! EFFORT!!!! Sheesh, it's even a waste of text. It's a waste of the energy output of my finger muscles required to do the typing. There are so many sinful, wrong things about me, UGH! Fr. John (my priest, although, at current, he's the only one with the URL for this Blog I believe) once told me that were we aware of all our sinning, it would kill us. Our ignorance of the full weight of our wrongs is insulation against insanity, and the Holy Spirit reveals as much of our guilt to us as we are capable of handling to or willing to allow ourselves to accept responsibility for. He lets out a little more whenever He is looking to expand our ability to accept our own guilt. God never gives us more than we can cope with, including knowledge of our own evil.
We wouldn't be able to walk, let alone function, if we knew the full extent of our inner darkness. Aside from illuminating our souls, the light of the fire of God within us casts sharply defined shadows where we throw up blockades to keep the light out because we prefer the darkness.
I recall the words of a piece of junk protestant "feel good, Jesus is my buddy" type song, "Light a fire in me,
Let the flames run free,
Burn away the dross,
Holy fire of God"
It may be badly written music (I'm not trashing them, it really is cheesy, which is bad to do when worshiping God) but the sentiment is at least focally accurate. The fire will hurt at first, because so much of you is so corrupt. But let it burn your flesh away now, rather than scorch your spirit endlessly in the hereafter.
Unworthily Yours, Alexey
She's a strange bird. No feelings about religion and faith whatsoever. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't dig any up in her. Not even negative ones. It was like sticking a pole into a deep lake, it's totally unmoved by your actions. Neither hot, nor cold... And we know what that leads to.
I have an appointment tomorrow and so I must get to bed. Today was not active enough really for me to do an incredible amount of obvious sinning. Well, probably if I'd been paying attention it would have been obvious. Lets see, I spent most of work (though I did get my work done pretty well) lost in a fantasy about being a starfighter pilot on the edge of the solar system. Because it was entertaining, and it kept my mind busy while I performed the not unpleasant, but not highly stimulating task of straightening shelves and putting away books.
Also, I've noticed that I have a tendency to poke my nose into things I ought not be poking my nose into because I have a puckish interest in seeing what it is. Kind of a juvenile, "Ohh ohh, I bet I know what's in there. And I want to see it!" kind of thing. And it's amazingly stupid crap to boot. Like badly written books in the "Teen fiction" section on the outer wall of the children's section when I'm upstairs reading it. Ugh, one of the books was...How to describe it. It was one of those books predicated on people being fascinated by teenage angst. Except the book was about the 'angst' surrounding a highschool girl coming out as a lesbian. Didn't contain anything juicy, not that I found anyway. And honestly, I wasn't looking for that. I just...Heck I don't know, I just wanted to see it. I knew it was in there, so I had to have a look. Stupid eh? Curiosity killed the cat, it also screwed up the Christians spiritual life when he couldn't bottle it up long enough to get himself out of danger.
Oye, listen to me. I almost went off on a rant about how inane and boring teenage angst books are. UGHHHH!!!! USELESS!!! WASTE!!!! OF!!! EFFORT!!!! Sheesh, it's even a waste of text. It's a waste of the energy output of my finger muscles required to do the typing. There are so many sinful, wrong things about me, UGH! Fr. John (my priest, although, at current, he's the only one with the URL for this Blog I believe) once told me that were we aware of all our sinning, it would kill us. Our ignorance of the full weight of our wrongs is insulation against insanity, and the Holy Spirit reveals as much of our guilt to us as we are capable of handling to or willing to allow ourselves to accept responsibility for. He lets out a little more whenever He is looking to expand our ability to accept our own guilt. God never gives us more than we can cope with, including knowledge of our own evil.
We wouldn't be able to walk, let alone function, if we knew the full extent of our inner darkness. Aside from illuminating our souls, the light of the fire of God within us casts sharply defined shadows where we throw up blockades to keep the light out because we prefer the darkness.
I recall the words of a piece of junk protestant "feel good, Jesus is my buddy" type song, "Light a fire in me,
Let the flames run free,
Burn away the dross,
Holy fire of God"
It may be badly written music (I'm not trashing them, it really is cheesy, which is bad to do when worshiping God) but the sentiment is at least focally accurate. The fire will hurt at first, because so much of you is so corrupt. But let it burn your flesh away now, rather than scorch your spirit endlessly in the hereafter.
Unworthily Yours, Alexey
posted by Alexios at 2:06 AM
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