Out of the Woodworks
Come readers I didn't even know I had. Well, welcome to all of you.
I have a real knack for bitching here, so bear with me. I've got news:
I still haven't been to church in...however long. I fessed up to my priest about how I'm feeling.
And how am I feeling? Well, I have no problem whatsoever with any of the Orthodox teachings. It's just that my ability to care has been completely burned out. Allow me to illustrate this with a short play. It's called 'So What, Chicken Little?'
Chicken Little: "Alexei! Alexei! The sky is falling!"
Alexei: "Yeah, I saw it."
CL: "We must go and see the King!"
Alexei: "Yeah, probably."
CL: "Maybe you misheard me. I said the sky is falling."
Alexei: "Heard you fine. And you're right, there's a big chunk of it right there!"
CL: "Sweet God! I was hoping it was another acorn! But...there it is!"
Alexei: "You called it."
CL: "Your flat affect is a little disturbing."
Alexei: "It used to disturb me too, then I got tired."
CL: "So...sky...falling...we're going to go see the King, right?"
Alexei: "I'm tired CL"
CL: "Tired of what?"
Alexei: "Running. I can't keep up anymore."
CL: "But...that's the only thing there is to do!"
Alexei: "True. But I'm tired."
CL: "Tired of battling for your life? Then you'll die!"
Alexei: "Pay more attention. I wasn't doing to hot when I was really trying."
CL: "But it's the fact that you're trying at all that counts!"
Alexei: "Trying sucks ass. And it has been doing so for a long, long time."
CL: "So what will you do?"
Alexei: "No idea. But I can't keep running the race, I'm worn out."
CL: "How did that happen?"
Alexei: "I think it was because the race was all I ever had. Other people were taking breaks now and then, just pretending the race didn't exist for a while, whenever the race was inconvenient, and then they jumped back into it. So they were rested up."
CL: "But they were never supposed to stop running!"
Alexei: "That's what I thought. So I didn't. I kept running. I got tired, and they didn't."
CL: "But Alexei, they didn't really get rested up. Stopping the race like that just made them fall back behind. Even if you were falling on your ass ever six seconds, at least you were still running."
Alexei: "But you're forgetting something CL. Humans live inside their minds. If they think they're rested up, then they're rested up. They don't begrudge the difficult parts of Orthodoxy as much because, every once in a while, they take a 'vacation' from it. It's bogus logic, but...most of them still go to church."
CL: "You don't go anymore?"
Alexei: "I can't focus on it while I'm there, and it's painful to see all the families together. I don't have anything like that myself. But I think this state of things is my fault anyway."
CL: "How do you work that out?"
Alexei: "Well CL, it's like this. I tried to do too much. I think I took on a bigger challenge than I was ready for. I tried to do everything %100 for a while with no compromises and all the works. I had myself totally convinced that any deviation from Orthodoxy, however slight, was unacceptable, given that I knew better."
CL: "So...you never head of the Church's economy? How it tries to meet people halfway on account of plain old human weakness?"
Alexei: "I thought it only did that for people who honestly believed that the Church was wrong about something. That you had to somehow earnestly believe that what you were doing was right. I believed that the church had it all right. So since I knew better, I had no excuses for not doing everything exactly as prescribed."
CL: "...God you're messed up."
Alexei: "In retrospect yes. Here I thought that simply knowing what the truth is would give you the power to live it."
CL: "You need the church for that."
Alexei: "Ah, yes. But other people have churches as well. Heretics, apostates, infidels...even Atheists in a way. And a nasty thought occurred to me."
CL: "And?"
Alexei: "It occurred to me that 900 people drank the Kool-Aid."
CL: "You've lost me."
Alexei: "Jim Jones, leader of The Peoples Temple back in the seventies. They committed mass suicide in Guyana, Africa with poisoned Kool-Aid."
CL: "I think I see where you're going."
Alexei: "Go for it."
CL: "If a religious leader can convince people to do that, then they can convince people to believe in anything. Even what you believe."
Alexei: "That's almost exactly what I mean. The idea is what psychologists call 'reinforcement'. Simply by saying something over and over again, you'll believe it more and more."
CL: "You think you were brain washing yourself?"
Alexei: "Not quite. I came to Orthodoxy after a long period of research. The piece of shit 'church' I was in before that was a hell of a lot easier to live in that Orthodoxy is. Nobody cared about confessions, there was no fasting etc... I voluntarily put myself into something much more stringent and difficult, just based on reading, and the premise that Christianity is true."
CL: "And?"
Alexei: "If they only reason I had any drive to keep going to church, is because I kept going to church...how am I supposed to manifest any enthusiasm whatsoever for going back now? I just don't care anymore."
CL: "How long has this been going on?"
Alexei: "I'm not sure. For a while I forced myself to keep going on the logic that 'I'll go to hell if I don't'. Then I got angry at God for holding a gun to my head. 'Adhere to these rules or you'll burn in an eternal sea of my love that you rendered yourself incapable of co-existing with.'"
CL: "So you've been anesthetized against feeling anything regarding religion?"
Alexei: "I think so, yes. Something in me is broken CL."
CL: "Everyone is broken Alexei."
Alexei: "Yeah, but mine is really hard to fix. My motivation is broken. Everything else gets fixed by having motivation to do something about it. But my ability to care is literally exhausted. Whatever it takes to care about this stuff anymore...I ran out of it."
CL: "And you can't go get more because going to church is, more or less, an act of self brainwashing?"
Alexei: "No. It's more like a painkiller. Going to church kills the pain of living in the world and trying to adhere to Orthodox restrictions. But the pain always comes back. It was the endless repetitive cycle that I got sick of. That and, being lonely and single sucks ass."
CL: "You seem to think a lot of things 'suck ass'."
Alexei: "It's just an expression. Should I change it and use something else?"
CL: "No, no. It's nicely descriptive."
Alexei: "Anyway. People who have a family, a spouse, all that good stuff...they've got something to balm the pain that comes from the difficulty of living an orthodox life."
CL: "So, these people that have family and kids, their ability to care doesn't get burned out because they have something around to help keep them strong, and they have a real benefit of the Orthodox life right in front of them."
Alexei: "Exactly."
CL: "But you don't have these things, so you won't do it anymore."
Alexei: "Not won't. Can't. Literally can not do it anymore. Like I said, even when I'm there, it just painful to see other people with their families that they get so much joy out of, and the rest of the time I can't concentrate."
CL: "Wow. That sucks Alexei."
Alexei: "Thanks for understanding."
CL: "I still want to keep running though."
Alexei: "And you should. I would, except, like I said...I'm all tired out man."
CL: "I hope you can catch back up."
Alexei: "Me too. God Bless you CL."
CL: "And you as well, Alexei."
------------------------------------------------------
So, that about sums up my state of mind at the moment.
-Alexei
I have a real knack for bitching here, so bear with me. I've got news:
I still haven't been to church in...however long. I fessed up to my priest about how I'm feeling.
And how am I feeling? Well, I have no problem whatsoever with any of the Orthodox teachings. It's just that my ability to care has been completely burned out. Allow me to illustrate this with a short play. It's called 'So What, Chicken Little?'
Chicken Little: "Alexei! Alexei! The sky is falling!"
Alexei: "Yeah, I saw it."
CL: "We must go and see the King!"
Alexei: "Yeah, probably."
CL: "Maybe you misheard me. I said the sky is falling."
Alexei: "Heard you fine. And you're right, there's a big chunk of it right there!"
CL: "Sweet God! I was hoping it was another acorn! But...there it is!"
Alexei: "You called it."
CL: "Your flat affect is a little disturbing."
Alexei: "It used to disturb me too, then I got tired."
CL: "So...sky...falling...we're going to go see the King, right?"
Alexei: "I'm tired CL"
CL: "Tired of what?"
Alexei: "Running. I can't keep up anymore."
CL: "But...that's the only thing there is to do!"
Alexei: "True. But I'm tired."
CL: "Tired of battling for your life? Then you'll die!"
Alexei: "Pay more attention. I wasn't doing to hot when I was really trying."
CL: "But it's the fact that you're trying at all that counts!"
Alexei: "Trying sucks ass. And it has been doing so for a long, long time."
CL: "So what will you do?"
Alexei: "No idea. But I can't keep running the race, I'm worn out."
CL: "How did that happen?"
Alexei: "I think it was because the race was all I ever had. Other people were taking breaks now and then, just pretending the race didn't exist for a while, whenever the race was inconvenient, and then they jumped back into it. So they were rested up."
CL: "But they were never supposed to stop running!"
Alexei: "That's what I thought. So I didn't. I kept running. I got tired, and they didn't."
CL: "But Alexei, they didn't really get rested up. Stopping the race like that just made them fall back behind. Even if you were falling on your ass ever six seconds, at least you were still running."
Alexei: "But you're forgetting something CL. Humans live inside their minds. If they think they're rested up, then they're rested up. They don't begrudge the difficult parts of Orthodoxy as much because, every once in a while, they take a 'vacation' from it. It's bogus logic, but...most of them still go to church."
CL: "You don't go anymore?"
Alexei: "I can't focus on it while I'm there, and it's painful to see all the families together. I don't have anything like that myself. But I think this state of things is my fault anyway."
CL: "How do you work that out?"
Alexei: "Well CL, it's like this. I tried to do too much. I think I took on a bigger challenge than I was ready for. I tried to do everything %100 for a while with no compromises and all the works. I had myself totally convinced that any deviation from Orthodoxy, however slight, was unacceptable, given that I knew better."
CL: "So...you never head of the Church's economy? How it tries to meet people halfway on account of plain old human weakness?"
Alexei: "I thought it only did that for people who honestly believed that the Church was wrong about something. That you had to somehow earnestly believe that what you were doing was right. I believed that the church had it all right. So since I knew better, I had no excuses for not doing everything exactly as prescribed."
CL: "...God you're messed up."
Alexei: "In retrospect yes. Here I thought that simply knowing what the truth is would give you the power to live it."
CL: "You need the church for that."
Alexei: "Ah, yes. But other people have churches as well. Heretics, apostates, infidels...even Atheists in a way. And a nasty thought occurred to me."
CL: "And?"
Alexei: "It occurred to me that 900 people drank the Kool-Aid."
CL: "You've lost me."
Alexei: "Jim Jones, leader of The Peoples Temple back in the seventies. They committed mass suicide in Guyana, Africa with poisoned Kool-Aid."
CL: "I think I see where you're going."
Alexei: "Go for it."
CL: "If a religious leader can convince people to do that, then they can convince people to believe in anything. Even what you believe."
Alexei: "That's almost exactly what I mean. The idea is what psychologists call 'reinforcement'. Simply by saying something over and over again, you'll believe it more and more."
CL: "You think you were brain washing yourself?"
Alexei: "Not quite. I came to Orthodoxy after a long period of research. The piece of shit 'church' I was in before that was a hell of a lot easier to live in that Orthodoxy is. Nobody cared about confessions, there was no fasting etc... I voluntarily put myself into something much more stringent and difficult, just based on reading, and the premise that Christianity is true."
CL: "And?"
Alexei: "If they only reason I had any drive to keep going to church, is because I kept going to church...how am I supposed to manifest any enthusiasm whatsoever for going back now? I just don't care anymore."
CL: "How long has this been going on?"
Alexei: "I'm not sure. For a while I forced myself to keep going on the logic that 'I'll go to hell if I don't'. Then I got angry at God for holding a gun to my head. 'Adhere to these rules or you'll burn in an eternal sea of my love that you rendered yourself incapable of co-existing with.'"
CL: "So you've been anesthetized against feeling anything regarding religion?"
Alexei: "I think so, yes. Something in me is broken CL."
CL: "Everyone is broken Alexei."
Alexei: "Yeah, but mine is really hard to fix. My motivation is broken. Everything else gets fixed by having motivation to do something about it. But my ability to care is literally exhausted. Whatever it takes to care about this stuff anymore...I ran out of it."
CL: "And you can't go get more because going to church is, more or less, an act of self brainwashing?"
Alexei: "No. It's more like a painkiller. Going to church kills the pain of living in the world and trying to adhere to Orthodox restrictions. But the pain always comes back. It was the endless repetitive cycle that I got sick of. That and, being lonely and single sucks ass."
CL: "You seem to think a lot of things 'suck ass'."
Alexei: "It's just an expression. Should I change it and use something else?"
CL: "No, no. It's nicely descriptive."
Alexei: "Anyway. People who have a family, a spouse, all that good stuff...they've got something to balm the pain that comes from the difficulty of living an orthodox life."
CL: "So, these people that have family and kids, their ability to care doesn't get burned out because they have something around to help keep them strong, and they have a real benefit of the Orthodox life right in front of them."
Alexei: "Exactly."
CL: "But you don't have these things, so you won't do it anymore."
Alexei: "Not won't. Can't. Literally can not do it anymore. Like I said, even when I'm there, it just painful to see other people with their families that they get so much joy out of, and the rest of the time I can't concentrate."
CL: "Wow. That sucks Alexei."
Alexei: "Thanks for understanding."
CL: "I still want to keep running though."
Alexei: "And you should. I would, except, like I said...I'm all tired out man."
CL: "I hope you can catch back up."
Alexei: "Me too. God Bless you CL."
CL: "And you as well, Alexei."
------------------------------------------------------
So, that about sums up my state of mind at the moment.
-Alexei
posted by Alexios at 11:48 PM
3 Comments:
My friend, your post moved in a deep, almost ineffable way.
At first, I have to admit, I was a little drunk off the incense. There is a...richness to Orthodoxy. I mean, after all, it is the banquet table of the kingdom of God. I walked in and saw delights and dishes of kinds I had never before imagined in my previous Christian formation, and only had the bad imitations of when I was, in succession, a neopagan and then a ceremonial occultist. The smells and bells were just entrancing, and I thought "ah, here it is!"
And then, there was Lent.
Now, I've never really been one for self-denial, and, well, for years I prided myself on being a pretty classical hedonist. Lent almost killed me--especially because, without preparation or anything, I went from eating anything I wanted, to strict veganism over night. I put my digestive system into shock, and by the end of Lent, spent a few days in the hospital with wracking pains.
And then, there was confession. Now, I have some pretty dark, sinful ugliness (as you might imagine from someone who was both 1-an occultist and 2-as self-proclaimed hedonist). I have indulged in a lot of perversions, fornications, and blasphemies. I spent a lot of time self-loathing, and on occasion, I still self-loath (despite that fact that that is just as sinful as anything that I self-loath about). It hurts, and life in the broken world sucks. I don't like it. I hate it. But, it is what it is.
I know the way you're feeling right now, nothing I'm saying matters either. And that's fine. But in the hopes that it will eventually, I'm just going to say that it isn't supposed to be easy. It sounds like a cop out, and is exactly the sort of thing I used to disparage about Christianity before I saw wisdom in it--but suffering the violence of the broken world humbles us (and, when we refuse humility, humiliates us). This is the only way we can come to God, in our humility.
God knows, when I say that, I am accusing myself. I am the chief sinner of the sin called Pride. It was my comfort and my company for sooo long, and, frankly, was the most faithful mistress I've ever known (to badly misquote Kierkegaard).
But the thing here is, if you are still trying to live it out in your mind--your psyche--then this is just going to wear you out. The psyche isn't designed to handle the spiritual life--that's the job of the nous. The great temptation has always been to use things in ways they we're designed to be used--this goes all the way back to the garden. The ultimate result is trying to use our psychological consciousness to comprehend everything, including God. That goes well beyond its bounds (the whole history of metaphysics proves that), and drowns you in nothing but speculation. The nous is where its at; and what's the faculty we have to develop.
But it isn't instantaneous, it isn't something that will come easy--but it's the goal that keeps me going, even when I feel utterly and completely worthless, and give in to old temptations or old ways of thinking.
My prayers go with you, Alexei--
sub clementia,
Justinian
I am not gonna lie to ya. There is no way I can relate exactly to how you are feeling. You did a great job explaining it though. I understand it and I think it sucks. Why? Because I know that is exactly how the “other side” wins.
There are still a few things for me to work out since being chrismated. One thing is that I am not so big on Prophecy (especially the book of revelation) and the concept of the devil, satan, dark one, whatever.. I have seen some weird shit that I cannot quite explain with my rational and highly skeptical mind.
My priest has used an interesting allegory that explains that the “devil” doesn’t mess with us so long as we don’t play for the “home team”. We can be lost as: fans in the seats, not playing at all or playing on his team. As soon as we join the home team, he fucks with us. This was the priest’s response when I mentioned some really strange stuff going in my home; that both my wife and I have experienced. Actually, the priest has witnessed some out it too – but, not like she and I have. My point is that I have eliminated so many possibilities that I honestly cannot imagine what else it could be.
Having said that, I do recognize something is affecting you spiritually and it isn’t going to lead you anywhere good. Living the Orthodox way of life is not easy, I agree. Still, the rewards are abundant. Even though I never had any interest whatsoever in the pseudo-Christian churches, I know I could easily become a leader, deacon, pastor, etc in them. I was such a hard case for conversion to Orthodoxy that I read a ridiculous number of books, studied and compared various theologies and memorized not only scripture but, what the Apostles taught about them. I wanted to be certain about it. I am not bragging either; I know that I have only scratched the surface of understanding. My point is that there is a reason modern Christianity has been “dumbed down” and made easy to live by.
“Do not fear the conflict, do not flee it. Where there is no struggle, there is no virtue; where faith and love are not tempted, it is not possible to be sure whether they are really present. They are proved and revealed in adversity.” - St. John of Kronstadt
As far as Jim Jones goes, he was a Marxist cult leader who told his people (that all called him Dad) he was reincarnated Buddha, Lenin and Jesus. The little commune he set up was not in Africa but, South America. He preyed on people by telling them exactly what they wanted or needed to hear. When the time came to drink the cool-aid, the fat bastard chickened out and ordered someone to shoot him instead. If I understood your dialog correctly, you can easily spot a Jim Jones type – Or else you don’t give yourself enough credit to know better.
I too have thought about the psychological ramifications of religion. Association and Suggestion are very effective. The only way we can guard ourselves against it is to question everything. I am reading a book by Fr. Saraphim Rose and I was blown away by what he said in a story about a monk who encountered an “Angel”. Rose wrote that we should doubt everything we observe. “It is the greatest deception to acknowledge oneself to be free of deception” – Right On.
Hopefully, I have given you something to think about. If not, it would nice if something I said here at least made you laugh. Jump right back in man, if you honestly pray to God for strength about this – I am certain you will get help. I know that I am praying that you get some relief.
- If I pissed someone off by the “pseudo-christian statement”, I apologize. I tried to find a wording that candy coated my statement and when I tried, it lost meaning. I am not making judgment but, rather observation. If you asked me what color Smurfs are, I am going to say “Blue”.
Mike -
No, not really but I play Mike on the Internet.
...I hope its not presumptuous...
I know someone who once recieved the advice, upon the loss of a very dear family member, "Don't feel like you need to hide who you are, or what you are experiencing, it is human to experience it; go ahead and weep, rage, wail, and opine; be where you are at."
If there is a God, He will find you...
...and I couldn't help thinking of this
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