A difficult thing to ask for.
I had a monk staying with me these past four days.
I told him how frustrated I was still being alone after however many years it's been now. Not as long as it feels like, I will admit. And he told me that unless I was at the point where I was willing to do things for God's sake alone, do things solely because I understand it to be what Christ would want, because I love Him, that nothing else would make me happy anyway.
I told him that having a companion would certainly alleviate some of the loneliness. He said that while loneliness is certainly suffering, and very difficult to deal with, you would have to be at a point where the love of Christ is all that motivates you to do anything in the first place before you could be happy even in a marriage.
The lowest form of love/fear of God is: I need this, please help me.
The middle form is: This is the right thing to do, because you said so.
The highest form is: I will do this because I love you.
Very well, I can see how that works now.
I understand that Orthodoxy is the truth. I understand that it needs to be followed because that is the right thing to do. Now I need to follow it for the love of Christ, not merely because it is correct.
It's the difference between needing music, supporting your local orchestra, and actually learning an instrument.
The musician plays because he loves music.
The Christian worships because he loves God.
I have been worshiping out of an earnest belief that it is the correct thing, unto itself, to do. While I am doing it, there are moments when I feel an earnest and sober joy from being there. Which, I suppose, is the love of God.
So I need to learn to love God without expectation.
I want to do that.
What I've worked out in my head is that you really do need to be willing to give up everything between you and the Lord. And then once you have, you will get everything back. Scripture says that we will.
I keep wondering, 'how much is enough?' and instantly realizing that even wondering that is wrong. You aren't expected to become perfect before gifts and blessings will rain down on you, you are expected to want to be perfect, for His sake. Then, and only then, when that is your hearts true desire, is it productive, and indeed, Holy, for you to move on with your life.
So that's what I need to do.
Alright, I know that now. And I want to do it.
I told him how frustrated I was still being alone after however many years it's been now. Not as long as it feels like, I will admit. And he told me that unless I was at the point where I was willing to do things for God's sake alone, do things solely because I understand it to be what Christ would want, because I love Him, that nothing else would make me happy anyway.
I told him that having a companion would certainly alleviate some of the loneliness. He said that while loneliness is certainly suffering, and very difficult to deal with, you would have to be at a point where the love of Christ is all that motivates you to do anything in the first place before you could be happy even in a marriage.
The lowest form of love/fear of God is: I need this, please help me.
The middle form is: This is the right thing to do, because you said so.
The highest form is: I will do this because I love you.
Very well, I can see how that works now.
I understand that Orthodoxy is the truth. I understand that it needs to be followed because that is the right thing to do. Now I need to follow it for the love of Christ, not merely because it is correct.
It's the difference between needing music, supporting your local orchestra, and actually learning an instrument.
The musician plays because he loves music.
The Christian worships because he loves God.
I have been worshiping out of an earnest belief that it is the correct thing, unto itself, to do. While I am doing it, there are moments when I feel an earnest and sober joy from being there. Which, I suppose, is the love of God.
So I need to learn to love God without expectation.
I want to do that.
What I've worked out in my head is that you really do need to be willing to give up everything between you and the Lord. And then once you have, you will get everything back. Scripture says that we will.
I keep wondering, 'how much is enough?' and instantly realizing that even wondering that is wrong. You aren't expected to become perfect before gifts and blessings will rain down on you, you are expected to want to be perfect, for His sake. Then, and only then, when that is your hearts true desire, is it productive, and indeed, Holy, for you to move on with your life.
So that's what I need to do.
Alright, I know that now. And I want to do it.
posted by Alexios at 2:08 PM
1 Comments:
Alexey,
I am sorry to hear of your ongoing struggle. May God be with you. Great suffering produces great faith. There is no where to go to escape suffering, it will alwasy find it no matter where we go. So all we can do, is transfrom our sufferin by God's grace. THAT is the way of Transfiguration and Resurrection. THAT is the path to paradise....
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