Response to the first comment to one of my postings
Hello Fr. John
I was going to e-mail you directly, but I liked what I wrote as a posting so I'm doing that instead, where I know you'll see it.
For anyone else who may be viewing this Blog, this posting is in response to the Blog Entry entitled, "Why don't I like people?"
Here it goes:
Bless me Father.
not exactly what I wanted to hear no. Not considering that, having tried submitting to him in the past, I know full well that his response will be a gradual ramping up of the abuse untill he can publicly treat me like his (forgive my language) bitch. I'm serious. He walks up to you, says something condecending, as though you were a total newbee, and then unless you tell him to back off, it just gets worse, and worse, and worse, and worse...
I Know perfectly well that I ought to feel horrible FOR him, not toward him. I'm just as guilty as he is. It's my own hypocricy at work. I'm more accountable than he is after all, I'm the one baptized in the True Faith.
::long exausted sigh:: He's alread despised by most of the staff. In fact, nobody likes him. I suppose though, I ought to begin seeing this as a platinum opportunity for bettering myself. He's annoying in a 'little man with a little stick that he thinks is a big stick' kind of way. Which is, clearly, harder for me to deal with in a Christian way than a lot of other things. If I can just deal with David and not complain about it, I should be able to deal with other things as well.
It's like all great battles you wage against your sinful self. Once won, God increases your power over that aspect of yourself. Makes it easier to make the right choice, once you've made it in spite of difficulty. It's (in my experience) like gaining a new super power every time you knock off a boss on a particular level of a video game. Except that there are an endless succession of Bosses, all of which are constructs of your own sinful nature. You're battling yourself, not other things. You are your own worst enemy, you are your only enemy. Because of all the forces against you in the universe, the only one that has the power to damn you, is you. And we try like hell every day to do just exactly that. We fight against the (freequently obvious) right thing to do. We believe ourselves to be richeous when we are not, and we kill oursleves with pride. I wish I could see myself as uglier than David is. Because I am. There are higher expectations on me and I'm batting a lower comparative average.
So, what about talking to him about it? Should I not even bring it up directly to him? I wonder if it would even do anything anyway.
Argh. I'm a slug. I'm much worse than he is anyway, I've no right to complain. I beg God to forgive me for my acts of rebellion against my supervisor David and to teach me humility and give me the strength and grace to endure mistreatment with humbleness, and not complain about it.
Alexey the Sinner
I was going to e-mail you directly, but I liked what I wrote as a posting so I'm doing that instead, where I know you'll see it.
For anyone else who may be viewing this Blog, this posting is in response to the Blog Entry entitled, "Why don't I like people?"
Here it goes:
Bless me Father.
not exactly what I wanted to hear no. Not considering that, having tried submitting to him in the past, I know full well that his response will be a gradual ramping up of the abuse untill he can publicly treat me like his (forgive my language) bitch. I'm serious. He walks up to you, says something condecending, as though you were a total newbee, and then unless you tell him to back off, it just gets worse, and worse, and worse, and worse...
I Know perfectly well that I ought to feel horrible FOR him, not toward him. I'm just as guilty as he is. It's my own hypocricy at work. I'm more accountable than he is after all, I'm the one baptized in the True Faith.
::long exausted sigh:: He's alread despised by most of the staff. In fact, nobody likes him. I suppose though, I ought to begin seeing this as a platinum opportunity for bettering myself. He's annoying in a 'little man with a little stick that he thinks is a big stick' kind of way. Which is, clearly, harder for me to deal with in a Christian way than a lot of other things. If I can just deal with David and not complain about it, I should be able to deal with other things as well.
It's like all great battles you wage against your sinful self. Once won, God increases your power over that aspect of yourself. Makes it easier to make the right choice, once you've made it in spite of difficulty. It's (in my experience) like gaining a new super power every time you knock off a boss on a particular level of a video game. Except that there are an endless succession of Bosses, all of which are constructs of your own sinful nature. You're battling yourself, not other things. You are your own worst enemy, you are your only enemy. Because of all the forces against you in the universe, the only one that has the power to damn you, is you. And we try like hell every day to do just exactly that. We fight against the (freequently obvious) right thing to do. We believe ourselves to be richeous when we are not, and we kill oursleves with pride. I wish I could see myself as uglier than David is. Because I am. There are higher expectations on me and I'm batting a lower comparative average.
So, what about talking to him about it? Should I not even bring it up directly to him? I wonder if it would even do anything anyway.
Argh. I'm a slug. I'm much worse than he is anyway, I've no right to complain. I beg God to forgive me for my acts of rebellion against my supervisor David and to teach me humility and give me the strength and grace to endure mistreatment with humbleness, and not complain about it.
Alexey the Sinner
posted by Alexios at 1:20 AM
1 Comments:
OK, if you want to do your confessions in public, well, that's your choice! (grin)
You wrote, He walks up to you, says something condecending, as though you were a total newbee, and then unless you tell him to back off, it just gets worse, and worse, and worse, and worse... You know, it's not so much what he says, as what you hear; and it gets worse because you're listening, and accepting what he says as the truth as he sees it, and then rejecting what he says because you don't agree with it! As I read the Fathers, the first step is not to hear what is said; to become deaf to the insults directed against you. This is important, as it can keep you from becoming angry, or filled with resentment, preparing your response, which, given our fallen state, is all too often in the same tone -- or worse. But that's not the end point.
The fathers teach us that, when we have ceased to hear, so that we do not become angry, we should then hear the insults and accept them as being "true," even if not factual. That is, your boss calls you a... OK, a worthless snagglefritzer. (It's just a word I made up to illustrate a point! Don't go reading anything else into it!) Now, you may not know exactly what that means, but you know from the tone and the context that it isn't good. You know you're not good; you know you're not worthy; and so you can, on one level, agree, and say, in effect, "Yes, I am a worthless snagglefritzer." The end here is to grow in humility, without either taking offense, or giving it.
Oh, and be careful what you pray for, because you might get it! "Lord, help me be patient" is the source of flat tires and other aggravations; "Lord, help me be humble" is the source of putdowns and insults and snubs -- well, you get the idea.
And I'm not the only person with this blog's URL; it's blogrolled on my site!
Post a Comment
<< Home