The Drought
One of the principal illusions I entertained in moving out here to New York was that there would be a thicker flock of Orthodox in which I might find a prospective wife. Well, the flock is thicker, but still no candidates.
Allow me to express this mathmatically.
f(x) = 0
where x = # of viable Orthodox females in my age bracket.
I had the somewhat impetuous thought that perhaps my life is so sinful that God has decreed non-consensual celibacy as the only way to save my soul.
But then, in order to be a Gift to God, you must first wish to give it. This is one thing I do actually want for myself. A family. Sue me, I just do.
Not that this is odd, or wierd. Just impractical when you happen to live SEVEN THOUSAND MILES FROM THE NEAREST ORTHODOX COUNTRY.
OK....that's out of my system.
I've found that simply reminding myself of the consequences of my repeate offence type sins is enough to keep me from being willing to do them. Now I have to learn how to revile them in the first place. The problem is that I, though it is also fair to say we as humans, enjoy sinning.
Indeed, the prospect of an Orthodox life is so intimidating to an outsider it's no wonder we don't get more converts from atheism and or agnosticism. The mere notion of fasting for half the year, only being able to marry inside the church, limits on sexuality even within marriage, theology that demands awarness of God at all times and in all places...whew. It's enough to scare a lot of people off I imagine. Truly only coming to the conclusion that it is the one true faith could be justification enough for inflicting these difficulties on yourself. And of course we don't get it all right at the very beginning.
I had a scary thought about that though. I calculated, just for a few minutes, that indoctronation that proceeded for long enough could (just look at the islamic terrorists) produce belief of great strength, regardess of how true it is.
Now, I belive Orthodoxy to be the truth. But when I'm faced with it, with the all encompasing reality of how I'm supposed to be living, I get scared, frustrated, angry, jilted, I despair, I loose hope...
Not to use coarse language loosely, but it is fucking scary.
But it is also the - only - thing - that - makes - sense no other belief structure even holds up to a logical examination let alone a theological one.
I suppose if it were easy...I'd have doubted it from the beginning.
Lord God of hosts, forgive that I have absented myself from Prayer for lazyness, and forgive my lack of faith. But grant me understanding for having asked these questions. Give me strength to believe, and proove my faith to be the true one in my life. Make it so blindingly evident that only your Orthodox way can work that even I, who deliberately blind myself when it seems to hard, cannot deny it and fall down worshiping you and begging your forgiveness and your mercy.
In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Who liveth and Regineth with Thee in the unity of the Holy Spirit. Both now and ever, Amen.
Allow me to express this mathmatically.
f(x) = 0
where x = # of viable Orthodox females in my age bracket.
I had the somewhat impetuous thought that perhaps my life is so sinful that God has decreed non-consensual celibacy as the only way to save my soul.
But then, in order to be a Gift to God, you must first wish to give it. This is one thing I do actually want for myself. A family. Sue me, I just do.
Not that this is odd, or wierd. Just impractical when you happen to live SEVEN THOUSAND MILES FROM THE NEAREST ORTHODOX COUNTRY.
OK....that's out of my system.
I've found that simply reminding myself of the consequences of my repeate offence type sins is enough to keep me from being willing to do them. Now I have to learn how to revile them in the first place. The problem is that I, though it is also fair to say we as humans, enjoy sinning.
Indeed, the prospect of an Orthodox life is so intimidating to an outsider it's no wonder we don't get more converts from atheism and or agnosticism. The mere notion of fasting for half the year, only being able to marry inside the church, limits on sexuality even within marriage, theology that demands awarness of God at all times and in all places...whew. It's enough to scare a lot of people off I imagine. Truly only coming to the conclusion that it is the one true faith could be justification enough for inflicting these difficulties on yourself. And of course we don't get it all right at the very beginning.
I had a scary thought about that though. I calculated, just for a few minutes, that indoctronation that proceeded for long enough could (just look at the islamic terrorists) produce belief of great strength, regardess of how true it is.
Now, I belive Orthodoxy to be the truth. But when I'm faced with it, with the all encompasing reality of how I'm supposed to be living, I get scared, frustrated, angry, jilted, I despair, I loose hope...
Not to use coarse language loosely, but it is fucking scary.
But it is also the - only - thing - that - makes - sense no other belief structure even holds up to a logical examination let alone a theological one.
I suppose if it were easy...I'd have doubted it from the beginning.
Lord God of hosts, forgive that I have absented myself from Prayer for lazyness, and forgive my lack of faith. But grant me understanding for having asked these questions. Give me strength to believe, and proove my faith to be the true one in my life. Make it so blindingly evident that only your Orthodox way can work that even I, who deliberately blind myself when it seems to hard, cannot deny it and fall down worshiping you and begging your forgiveness and your mercy.
In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Who liveth and Regineth with Thee in the unity of the Holy Spirit. Both now and ever, Amen.
posted by Alexios at 7:38 PM
1 Comments:
Ah, the joys of being a spiritual father from so far away...
OK, the "pool" isn't necessarily limited to available Orthodox females. You are permitted to marry a non-Orthodox woman; although you know quite well that such a relationship means additional struggles to resolve questions about how we live as Orthodox Christians. Will a non-Orthodox spouse be willing to keep the fasts? (And not just when it comes to food...) Will you raise your children in the Orthodox Church and faith, or some other? (NOT!)
You said that you want a family. OK. What does God want from you, and for you? Hmmm? You should figure that one out; and, while you're working on discerning that, ask Him to bring you the woman He wants you to spend your life with. He will, you know, if that is His will for you. Otherwise...
Glad to hear that church is now very close by. We miss you here!
Al: We're always watching...
Post a Comment
<< Home