A few things
First off, wow, my connection is really smooth tonight. Secondly, I'm lonley. It really hit me today, I'm genuinely lonely. I want to get married. I'm going to pray that God direct me down that path, assuming of course that it is in His will. If not, I'm also going to pray for peace about that, because it's something I've really wanted for a long time.
I passed a sore test (of my own making, as so many are) over a year ago. I was very, very in love with a girl. The only problem was that she was an Atheist. The one kind of person I unquestionably could not marry. We were very in love, and breaking up hurt worse, and was more difficult to do than anything else. But from my mindset, there simply wasn't any other choice. God, or the girl. That is no choice. Not when Hell is on the one hand and the possibility of Salvation is on the other. No, there was no choice (really) but it still was amazingly difficult to do. Like trying to break out of a gravity well with a weak rocket engine, it is arduous.
Anyway, I'm tired of being alone (and I admit I'd like to not be celibate either), but the being with someone is the biggest thing by far. I'm a romantic soul, I admit it, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have it.
Problem is that not only do I live in a city with virtually no Orthodox, I'm also moving soon (relatively), going to graduate school (God willing) at the beginning of next school year. I'm hoping that wherever I go, there will be a nice Orthodox church, with some nice Orthodox girls. One my age, with hopefully some of my interests, and some good looks would not hurt either. Although truth be told, I honestly don't think I'd care to much as long as she was at least average looking. Is that shallow of me? I'm asking honestly. There are only so many girls I find physically attractive, just like everyone else, but is that intrinsically wrong? I can't generate feelings where none exist (this can provide some unhappily akward moments of having to explain that you're just-not-interested, it hasn't happend a lot, but a few times is more than enough...) ::shrug:: Either you feel it or you don't, we don't live in an age where blind arranged marrages happen anymore (for all practicality).
Well shucks, now I'm all sentimental. I broke the fast big time today, maybe that's why. There was a feast offered for the employees at the Barnes and Noble where I work. It's an anual thing and I figured one day off the fast wouldn't hurt. And I know perfeclty well I can get emotionally worked up over something without the help of non-fasting food to get my blood heated up, but still... ::shrug:: it's beyond my ken, part of my many spiritual weaknesses. Purer thoughts and minds come from fasting and I voulentarially didn't do it today, a mistake I guess, but an honest one.
God forgive me all my many faults.
Alexey the Sinner.
I passed a sore test (of my own making, as so many are) over a year ago. I was very, very in love with a girl. The only problem was that she was an Atheist. The one kind of person I unquestionably could not marry. We were very in love, and breaking up hurt worse, and was more difficult to do than anything else. But from my mindset, there simply wasn't any other choice. God, or the girl. That is no choice. Not when Hell is on the one hand and the possibility of Salvation is on the other. No, there was no choice (really) but it still was amazingly difficult to do. Like trying to break out of a gravity well with a weak rocket engine, it is arduous.
Anyway, I'm tired of being alone (and I admit I'd like to not be celibate either), but the being with someone is the biggest thing by far. I'm a romantic soul, I admit it, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have it.
Problem is that not only do I live in a city with virtually no Orthodox, I'm also moving soon (relatively), going to graduate school (God willing) at the beginning of next school year. I'm hoping that wherever I go, there will be a nice Orthodox church, with some nice Orthodox girls. One my age, with hopefully some of my interests, and some good looks would not hurt either. Although truth be told, I honestly don't think I'd care to much as long as she was at least average looking. Is that shallow of me? I'm asking honestly. There are only so many girls I find physically attractive, just like everyone else, but is that intrinsically wrong? I can't generate feelings where none exist (this can provide some unhappily akward moments of having to explain that you're just-not-interested, it hasn't happend a lot, but a few times is more than enough...) ::shrug:: Either you feel it or you don't, we don't live in an age where blind arranged marrages happen anymore (for all practicality).
Well shucks, now I'm all sentimental. I broke the fast big time today, maybe that's why. There was a feast offered for the employees at the Barnes and Noble where I work. It's an anual thing and I figured one day off the fast wouldn't hurt. And I know perfeclty well I can get emotionally worked up over something without the help of non-fasting food to get my blood heated up, but still... ::shrug:: it's beyond my ken, part of my many spiritual weaknesses. Purer thoughts and minds come from fasting and I voulentarially didn't do it today, a mistake I guess, but an honest one.
God forgive me all my many faults.
Alexey the Sinner.
posted by Alexios at 11:41 PM
1 Comments:
I debated, before starting this reply, whether to do so privately, or in this space here. As you offered the thoughts for all, I suppose this is the best place to offer a reply.
You asked, Although truth be told, I honestly don't think I'd care too much as long as she was at least average looking. Is that shallow of me? Later, you added, Either you feel it or you don't, we don't live in an age where blind arranged marrages happen anymore (for all practicality).
The connection is an interesting one; ultimately, I think, causing us to recognize, and acknowledge, that love is a choice. We must choose to love; and the behavior we associate with "love" flows from that decision. Without this understanding, we allow ourselves, driven by our culture, to be directed by our "feelings" -- and this, as Orthodox Christians know (or should know) is a very dangerous road to travel.
"Falling in love" (there's a phrase for you! Think: "in this 'fallen' world...") is a feeling; and what happens when the feeling isn't there anymore, or isn't the same? People can, and do, fall out of love; and if there is no other basis for continuing a relationship, it ends. It is the rise of the romantic "falling in love" concept that helped bring to an end the arranged marriages of the past. "I can't marry him/her -- I don't love him/her?" But what of the feeling that we think is "love" is actually lust, or loneliness, or some combination thereof?
Marriages -- arranged or not -- ultimately last because, as we get to know our beloved spouse, with their faults as well as their virtues, we make a decision that what holds us together is more important that what seeks to drive us apart. Marriage, in a way, is an ascetic practice; and we are the better for it; and an essential step is making the choice, "I love, because I will to love..."
So: is it shallow to prefer someone who is at least "average" in appearance? Yes, if you are going to allow your decisions about a potential relationship with someone to be determined by appearances; whether this is the only criterion, or among the most important. No, if you are open to the other qualities the person possesses (or lacks!), that have to do with the larger life that might be shared together. Someone who is patient, generous of spirit, gentle, loving to others; intelligent -- the list goes on -- can make a wonderful life partner, even if not a model or movie star (or whatever). Remember, our outer beauty fades over time; but the inner beauty is eternal...
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