Too long since the last time....
I'm not sure what exactly the real reason is that I don't get up and go to church more often. Sure it's 120 miles from where I live but that's managable. If I had to guess I'd say it's that I'm tired. More than anything else, the idea of getting up at 6:30 AM after working untill midnight and not getting to bed untill 2:AM at the earliest (I've tried earlier it doesn't seem to work), and then driving for an hour and a half, standing up for two straight hours, and the driving another hour and a half home...ugh. It's an ordeal, not a hellish one, but a very tiring one, and most weeks Sunday is one of two non-consecutive days that I get off of work. This week is different, I get Friday, Saturday and Sunday off, so I'm definitly going. I'm supposed to get my brother to come along but coordinating between us has been difficult. I have to schedule him a week in advance, and I don't always remember to call him. Should I just buck up and call him and hound him into it? Or should I expect him to call me? ::shrug:: Fr. John has said he will come to Tucson to do the classes for his Cathecism now that there are two people (my brother and the wife of another parishoner), but there has been no communication between us either.
It's sad really. It's all I can do to manage my own life, and I have so little responsability it seems. Hell, I was better at it when I had school, because a simple little jaunt to Phoenix seemed like no big deal next to everything else on my plate. I guess I'm getting lazy. Or maybe not, I am, after all, working 40 hours a week now, it's not like I'm a slouch. But is that a good measurement? I get so damn bored that I stay up every night untill 6:AM practically, and the last coupld nights I've been spotty about evening prayers, just like the Devil wants.
I've been shoddy about morning prayers too, though in fairness, I only started doing them a few weeks ago.
I thin it's fair to say the waiting is...not good for me. I'm idle but theres not much else I can do. I do like having less to do, it's such a nice reprieve from five an a half years of school.
Or maybe, my laxity with prayer not withstanding, God has no objection to me having a lazy semester off to recouperate, a kind of sabbatical. He knows I can use it, and hopefully, I am doing so in a way not wholey unacceptable to Him.
But the bordome claws at me sometimes...It leads me down dark avenues, though typically what I find there has me running in terror, as opposed to embracing it, like I used to.
I found myself posessed of an almost gravitic need to know if my old porn haunts still existed or not. I was halfway convinced they simply wouldn't be there anymore. So I went and looked out over the clif that it took me so damn long to climb. I didn't jump, and honestly there wasn't a lot of tempation to jump, but for some reason, I had to take it all in. I had to stare at it for a while, like the junkie who knows somehow that he has to go back and look at the flophouse he used to shoot up in. There is no reason he can define, just an unfightable need to go and look.
I didn't look at any porn, and I didn't linger once I discovered that, indeed, the old access points I used were still there, I got very scared, and I left immediately. It satisfied whatever it was that made me want to do it. Pure curiosity I guess. I let porn rule me for long enough that my freedom from it (nearly a year now) is still a fraction of the time spent in servitude to it. And all it took was an oath. One that I've held to, thankfully, by His strength.
Realizing that there was no time like the present, and on the eve of the most difficult confession I ever had to make, I simply swore never to look at it again, nor use it for anything. It adds such a degree of seriousness, having made a vow, that it was infinitely easier to stay away from it. And something else happened, once I made the vow, the desire for it started dying in me.
You don't miss it when it's gone.
Thanks, Lord, for taking it from me.
Alexey
It's sad really. It's all I can do to manage my own life, and I have so little responsability it seems. Hell, I was better at it when I had school, because a simple little jaunt to Phoenix seemed like no big deal next to everything else on my plate. I guess I'm getting lazy. Or maybe not, I am, after all, working 40 hours a week now, it's not like I'm a slouch. But is that a good measurement? I get so damn bored that I stay up every night untill 6:AM practically, and the last coupld nights I've been spotty about evening prayers, just like the Devil wants.
I've been shoddy about morning prayers too, though in fairness, I only started doing them a few weeks ago.
I thin it's fair to say the waiting is...not good for me. I'm idle but theres not much else I can do. I do like having less to do, it's such a nice reprieve from five an a half years of school.
Or maybe, my laxity with prayer not withstanding, God has no objection to me having a lazy semester off to recouperate, a kind of sabbatical. He knows I can use it, and hopefully, I am doing so in a way not wholey unacceptable to Him.
But the bordome claws at me sometimes...It leads me down dark avenues, though typically what I find there has me running in terror, as opposed to embracing it, like I used to.
I found myself posessed of an almost gravitic need to know if my old porn haunts still existed or not. I was halfway convinced they simply wouldn't be there anymore. So I went and looked out over the clif that it took me so damn long to climb. I didn't jump, and honestly there wasn't a lot of tempation to jump, but for some reason, I had to take it all in. I had to stare at it for a while, like the junkie who knows somehow that he has to go back and look at the flophouse he used to shoot up in. There is no reason he can define, just an unfightable need to go and look.
I didn't look at any porn, and I didn't linger once I discovered that, indeed, the old access points I used were still there, I got very scared, and I left immediately. It satisfied whatever it was that made me want to do it. Pure curiosity I guess. I let porn rule me for long enough that my freedom from it (nearly a year now) is still a fraction of the time spent in servitude to it. And all it took was an oath. One that I've held to, thankfully, by His strength.
Realizing that there was no time like the present, and on the eve of the most difficult confession I ever had to make, I simply swore never to look at it again, nor use it for anything. It adds such a degree of seriousness, having made a vow, that it was infinitely easier to stay away from it. And something else happened, once I made the vow, the desire for it started dying in me.
You don't miss it when it's gone.
Thanks, Lord, for taking it from me.
Alexey
posted by Alexios at 3:08 AM
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