So, I went and installed a very effective program on my computer to knock out my porn habbit. It works. In order to circumvent it I would have to totally uninstall it, remove it entirely. I admit to having tested it's limits and found them to be quite strong. I didn't do anything, after all, I couldn't. I've never been psysiologically addicted to something like alcohol or niccotine, but the cravings seem difficult to ignore. Reading a book helps, having something constructive to do helps, but mostly the accountability helps. I told an old friend of mine and a reader of this Blog that hopefully one day I'd be at a point where I didn't need self imposed Big Brother, but I'm not there yet. Well, much a Saul did, today I "Kicked against the pricks", and found myself unable to resist them after all, I did what I was supposed to do, but having the barrier in place was essential.
I suppose this is what withdrawal is like. I liken it to niccotine withdrawal because the cravings do seem to go away if you can only just fight them for a while. That's how I've heard it described by people who've quite smoking. I need strength, I need power, and most of all I need an overwhelming desire to do the right thing, but that involves getting off my ass. And mustering the willpower to constructively DO something may be the only thing more difficult than mustering the will to NOT do something, I.E. porn.
I think it'll take a while to be truly greatful that I'm on this wagon, but I believe it will come. The shame that comes from indulging in it, and the release that comes with confession, those are extremes that illuminate the middle path. You merely need to not commit sins in order to keep clean, it is once you have sinned and defiled yourself that you must go above and beyond the basline requirements, rise that much higher than you delved low in order to clean yourself and restore sanctity.
Well, I've started at it anyway.
Father, walk with me. Amen.
Alexion
