True defiance.

This picture used to have the mouse flipping the bird to the Eagle. I changed it on the (long ago) advice of Fr. John of Phoenix.

Blessed.

I read today on Kittygirl92's page here that Subiha died. I am sorry it was so.

I'm twenty four going on twenty five next June. And I've never had a funeral to go to. Never even had one that I was invited too. No one I knew personally has ever died. Except one lady who I lost contact with years ago. I'll put it another way. I've only ever been given news of somebody's death second, or third hand.

I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it will eventually. I'm just greatful. Greatful that it has lasted so much longer than I had any right to expect it to.

It can't go on much longer, sadly. My grandfather in Cooperstown is very ill. Nothing in particular, and everything in general. Failing heart, failing body, various ailments from general deterioration. It should be said that he is in his middle eighties. Unlike my equally old grandmother back in Tucson, Pop (as we all call him) will not die well. He will go piece, by grueling piece. And it will be hell to watch, to hear about, and to be a part of.

You see, I'm the local rep for our family now. It used to be my sister who goes to school at West Point, she was on the right side of the continent and even in the right state. But I'm closer now than she ever was (geographically) and I'm fixed, as opposed to being shipped to various training posts like she is...

And yet I've not been out to see them since I got here. In fairness, I did go right after I arrived for a two day visit and to pick up some furniture. That was a month ago now. It's slightly more than two months to thanksgiving. I wonder if I can justify putting it off that long, or if I should make the trek sometime sooner.

Being there is a small slice of nicely insulated hell. My grandmother is adelpated. Can't take care of herself but she lies about it to the insurance man whenever he interviews her so even the insurance company's hands (and they are well insured for elder care) are tied, since she won't ask for the help.

Pop is a little better than when I spent the summer with them two years ago. I write them once in a while, they don't write back. But I do get a card for most holidays and occasions, and gifts for birthday and Christmas of course.

I don't know what to do. There's little I can affect by being there, except to say that I have, in fact, done everything I can, and that alone, I admit, is worth it. But it's this feeling of impotant frustration. There's nothing I can do, except watch it get worse. And I hate being in that house, for a variety of reasons. Grandma Nancy is insane. Grandpop still has his mind but his body has failed him, and he doesn't much care anymore. They have in home health care workers who do the ugly stuff, and all I can do is sit and watch, and lend a hand where I can force one in. Grandma Nancy doesn't let anyone help unless you make her.

I take there money, greatfuly, because I need it and I do appreciate it. But theres nothing I can do. And knowing that there's nothing I can do actually makes it worse. If there were something I could do, and I just wasn't able to do it right now, that at least would make me feel capable of helping. But I can't.

The damned cursor is blinking at me, it keeps waiting for me to say something else... except I'm out of clever prose.

::deep breath:: It's out of my hands, in fact it was never in my hands. That's something. Not a whole lot, but it's something. =)


Alexi

Clarification

OK. My previous post contained a bit of amusing whining about the difficulty of getting hitched with only a small Orthodox community to provide prospective spouses.


My spiritual father, Fr. John McCuen of Holy Archangels parish, in Phoenix, had this to say in the comments area:

"OK, the "pool" isn't necessarily limited to available Orthodox females. You are permitted to marry a non-Orthodox woman; although you know quite well that such a relationship means additional struggles to resolve questions about how we live as Orthodox Christians. Will a non-Orthodox spouse be willing to keep the fasts? (And not just when it comes to food...) Will you raise your children in the Orthodox Church and faith, or some other? (NOT!)"

To wit I realized that I had left my gripe session a little unclear.

What I ment to go without saying, but I now realize I ought to have said, is that I cannot concieve of sharing my life and most intimage love with someone who's theology I know to be wrong. Not because I hold it against them, but because I cannot imagine waking up next to such a woman every day, being in love with her, and knowing she doesn't believe in the one true faith. Moreover, if she's with me, it certianly means that she's been exposed to it, and (if she's not Orthodox) rejected it. I have trouble imagining spending my life with someone who I know has false (if honest) religious beliefs, and may wind up in hell for them. I've got a better than even chance of going to hell myself, but at least I have the advante of belonging to the one true Church.

OK, that being said. How do you raise children in a household like that? Either God takes a second seat to diplomacy, or the kids learn at some point that mommy and daddy have an irreconsilable religious disagreement and that only one of these faiths can really help you get into heaven. Does that sound like fun to anyone?


Father John also makes another excellent point, he says:

"You said that you want a family. OK. What does God want from you, and for you? Hmmm? You should figure that one out; and, while you're working on discerning that, ask Him to bring you the woman He wants you to spend your life with. He will, you know, if that is His will for you. Otherwise..."

The damnable thing about advice from you Fr. is that it's always double edged. "Do the right thing, heres how to do it. By the way, by doing the right thing, theres a better than even chance you won't get what you thought you wanted." This especially ticks me off because he's right all the damned time. The issue here is that, if I've interpreted what I've read correctly, in a perfect world, we'd all forsake marriage, sex, families etc... and everyone would be a monk. No, I'm serious. The church fathers go to extensive lengths to point out that marriage is a good thing, but they go to even more extensive lengths to point out that celibacy is better. They, knowing their audience, lace these writings with commetns to the effect of "I know you are not going to believe me when I say this, but..." This is an irritating thing to be aware of. I've never met a parish priest that wasn't married. Conversely I've never met a parish priest that wasn't a convert. Back on the other hand, my understanding is that nearly all parish priests are married. Even the ones that were trained at Jordanville and born into the faith.

So...on the one hand I have what sounds like a choice with a clear, if totally undesireable, path (celibacy vs marriage). And on the other hand, I have an army of trained practicioners of the faith who are all married with kids. Are the priests setting a bad example? Am I overanalyzing the hell out of this? Someone stop me, please.

BAH!!!!!! Even if it's not as good as celibacy, all the church fathers agree that marriage is, unto itself, a good thing, for good reasons.

The really ironic thing about all of this is that the choice is not now, nor has it ever been in my hands, except where I"m willfully defying the Will of God. Ugh.

I suppose, just saying, that if I had an active prayer life (heres a confession), I might (you think?) have more contact with God. Gee, there's a brainstorm. Either it's too late and I'm tired, or I"m running late for school, or I just don't feel like it...blah, blah, blah...I'm a master of excuses and procrastination.

OK, fixing the problem: I should go and pray right now.

Easy enough.


Alexi

The Drought

One of the principal illusions I entertained in moving out here to New York was that there would be a thicker flock of Orthodox in which I might find a prospective wife. Well, the flock is thicker, but still no candidates.

Allow me to express this mathmatically.

f(x) = 0

where x = # of viable Orthodox females in my age bracket.

I had the somewhat impetuous thought that perhaps my life is so sinful that God has decreed non-consensual celibacy as the only way to save my soul.

But then, in order to be a Gift to God, you must first wish to give it. This is one thing I do actually want for myself. A family. Sue me, I just do.

Not that this is odd, or wierd. Just impractical when you happen to live SEVEN THOUSAND MILES FROM THE NEAREST ORTHODOX COUNTRY.


OK....that's out of my system.

I've found that simply reminding myself of the consequences of my repeate offence type sins is enough to keep me from being willing to do them. Now I have to learn how to revile them in the first place. The problem is that I, though it is also fair to say we as humans, enjoy sinning.

Indeed, the prospect of an Orthodox life is so intimidating to an outsider it's no wonder we don't get more converts from atheism and or agnosticism. The mere notion of fasting for half the year, only being able to marry inside the church, limits on sexuality even within marriage, theology that demands awarness of God at all times and in all places...whew. It's enough to scare a lot of people off I imagine. Truly only coming to the conclusion that it is the one true faith could be justification enough for inflicting these difficulties on yourself. And of course we don't get it all right at the very beginning.

I had a scary thought about that though. I calculated, just for a few minutes, that indoctronation that proceeded for long enough could (just look at the islamic terrorists) produce belief of great strength, regardess of how true it is.

Now, I belive Orthodoxy to be the truth. But when I'm faced with it, with the all encompasing reality of how I'm supposed to be living, I get scared, frustrated, angry, jilted, I despair, I loose hope...

Not to use coarse language loosely, but it is fucking scary.


But it is also the - only - thing - that - makes - sense no other belief structure even holds up to a logical examination let alone a theological one.

I suppose if it were easy...I'd have doubted it from the beginning.

Lord God of hosts, forgive that I have absented myself from Prayer for lazyness, and forgive my lack of faith. But grant me understanding for having asked these questions. Give me strength to believe, and proove my faith to be the true one in my life. Make it so blindingly evident that only your Orthodox way can work that even I, who deliberately blind myself when it seems to hard, cannot deny it and fall down worshiping you and begging your forgiveness and your mercy.

In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Who liveth and Regineth with Thee in the unity of the Holy Spirit. Both now and ever, Amen.

And then it hit me...

The real test of faith is not in struggling. When there is struggling to be done, it's obvious that it needs to happen.

When church was difficult to get to, it was always an acomplishment getting there. It was taken seriously, and given great weight.

Now church is five minutes away. The test is not in struggling. The test is, when you don't have to struggle, can you still do well?


I pray that I can.

Alexi

A serious question.

I ask this question because I've always wanted to get married and have kids. Still do, probably will if I can find a woman. We can all hope.

But one thing that keeps bothering me...

How, exactly, do you survive having a teenage daughter?

I'm 24. I find teenage girls to be...anathema to me. I have a hard time describing it. The randomness, the shallow interests, skittish behavior etc... Now, I'm a reasonable man, and I'm a scientist to boot. I know that not all girls are like this. But...and correct me if I'm wrong here...it almost seems that teenage girlhood is a time and place much like the twilight zone. And it does a hell of a lot to explain the way women act later in life.

Again, don't get me wrong. I like women. Maybe too much =) But I've seen...and heard some things...

And the shrieking. Ohhhh the shrieking. And (and this is part of what confuses me) it's typically a Joy reaction. A noise I once associated with being knifed by a serial killer, is now so commonplace, that, were anyone to use it for that more sensible purpose, I would ignore it and assume that Boy Band X just got a new member.

So help me here, fathers that read this Blog (if there are any). And enlighten me as to how one manages to not only live with, but successfully parent such a creature.

I'm all ears.


Alexi