A difficult thing to ask for.

I had a monk staying with me these past four days.

I told him how frustrated I was still being alone after however many years it's been now. Not as long as it feels like, I will admit. And he told me that unless I was at the point where I was willing to do things for God's sake alone, do things solely because I understand it to be what Christ would want, because I love Him, that nothing else would make me happy anyway.

I told him that having a companion would certainly alleviate some of the loneliness. He said that while loneliness is certainly suffering, and very difficult to deal with, you would have to be at a point where the love of Christ is all that motivates you to do anything in the first place before you could be happy even in a marriage.

The lowest form of love/fear of God is: I need this, please help me.

The middle form is: This is the right thing to do, because you said so.

The highest form is: I will do this because I love you.


Very well, I can see how that works now.

I understand that Orthodoxy is the truth. I understand that it needs to be followed because that is the right thing to do. Now I need to follow it for the love of Christ, not merely because it is correct.

It's the difference between needing music, supporting your local orchestra, and actually learning an instrument.

The musician plays because he loves music.
The Christian worships because he loves God.

I have been worshiping out of an earnest belief that it is the correct thing, unto itself, to do. While I am doing it, there are moments when I feel an earnest and sober joy from being there. Which, I suppose, is the love of God.

So I need to learn to love God without expectation.

I want to do that.

What I've worked out in my head is that you really do need to be willing to give up everything between you and the Lord. And then once you have, you will get everything back. Scripture says that we will.

I keep wondering, 'how much is enough?' and instantly realizing that even wondering that is wrong. You aren't expected to become perfect before gifts and blessings will rain down on you, you are expected to want to be perfect, for His sake. Then, and only then, when that is your hearts true desire, is it productive, and indeed, Holy, for you to move on with your life.

So that's what I need to do.

Alright, I know that now. And I want to do it.

Yeah, that'll show em!

An atheist group at the University of San Antonio is offering porn in exchange for bibles.


Quoth a student member of the 'Atheist Agenda': "We consider the bible to be a very negative force in the history of the world".

But magazines that sexually objectify women by showing them getting ejaculated on A-OK!

I love the logic!

Yes, people have murdered, raped, pillaged, and produced Christian Rock, all fueled by their personal interpretations of the bible.

People have also sacrificed their lives to save others, given money to help the poor, ditched drugs, and built cathedrals because of what they got out of the bible.

I love it when a simpleton with a big mouth starts spouting off in public. It's easy fodder for a guy like me who LOVES to skewer assholes that revel in their own inconsistency.

I would LOVE to see them try this shit with the Torah, or the Koran, or the Bhagavad Gita.

They would never DARE do this to the Jews, Muslims, Hindus or Buddhists.

Try as I might I cannot think of a word in common usage that means 'defaming Christians'. Maybe we need one.

-Alexion

You're not supposed to bitch.

If a man demandeth your purse, give him also your coat.


So we are commanded by God.


Well, I was hardly getting robbed, but I felt like I was getting screwed.


It all started with my car making some bad noise. The 'service engine soon' light went on in my dash. The engine had been sounding louder than normal for a while, like it was working harder than it should have to. But...nothing was not working, so I figured I just needed an oil change. Apparently, not the case.

Now the engine feels like it's shaking when I get up to speed, and it's even louder than it was before the oil change. And, of course, that little darling of a light is on. This is bad news. Mostly because, I'm a student, and I'm frigging broke all the time.

So spending a thousand dollars (I'm guessing wildly) on fixing my car is not an option. At all.

So I do what I have to do. I call my dad and tell him I'm going to need some help. I'm in the middle of work at Barnes and Noble, so I have to make the call quick. I call him back when I'm on a break. He assures me that they'll always help me, this time included, but that this is independence day, and that that should be a theme for me now. That I need to keep up a job on the side (along with school) to help pay for stuff like this.

Well, forgive me, it wasn't like I wasn't keeping busy. But moving on.

I tell him that I get the message loud and clear. We hang up.

I am, shall we say, a little pissed of by what he has just said to me.

Sounds ungrateful, doesn't it? I sound spoiled, don't I? Just because I'm in grad school, and therefore poor, doesn't mean I should expect mom and dad to dig me out of a hole with my car. Or that they should be happy about it if they do decide to help. Because, like, they have no obligation of course.

Well, not completely. As my parents, they are who I have to turn to.

And then, there's the fact that my dad was talking directly out of his ass.

What does that mean?


There are a few things you should know:

1. My parents did not pay for my college education. My grandparents did.

2. These are the same grandparents, that paid for my PARENTS college education. That's right. My grandparents put TWO generations of their families through college.

2B. They themselves were taking financial assistance from their parents until they were almost my age.

3. When my dad was FORTY YEARS OLD. He went back to school to get his MBA (Masters in Business Administration).

3B. His father paid for his tuition.

3C. His father gave him money for us to live on while he was taking classes. All in all, Graduate school cost my father almost no money whatsoever.

4. A few years before my dad went back to school, when he was unemployed for nine months, searching for a job, my mothers mother helped us out with money. He was Thirty-Eight years old at the time.

5. When I graduated from High School, I needed a car. My paternal Grandpa bought me one. New. My parents paid nothing for it. They did pay the insurance.

6. When my sister went to West Point military academy, all the way across the country (we lived in Arizona), my dad shelled out thousands of dollars getting us all plane tickets and hotel rooms to go and visit as often as we could. By contrast, I went to school in Tucson and I drove home for dinner every few weeks when they nagged me for a visit.

7. While my sister was a student, they flew her home whenever she wanted. This cost a lot of money.

7B. They also flew her FRIENDS for free. That's right, they gave away at least twenty free plane tickets to friends of my sister over the course of her years at West Point.

8. One year, when my sister met her future husband, she maxed out a credit card (several thousand dollars) buying plane tickets to go and visit him. For Christmas that year, they paid off her Visa.

A brief aside about my family dynamic. It simply never occured to me to run up a credit card bill buying plane tickets I couldn't afford. And if I'd asked for them from my parents, I think I would have gotten maybe one ticket, and then I would have gotten laughed at.

Kindall was a hellraiser. She was a mean, viscious person. And when she was being peaceful, my parents would do anything, pay out any money, to keep her that way as long as possible.


9. My brother treats our parents like dog shit. He screams at them, he calls them obscene names, he disrespects them at every opportunity. In fact, he goes out of his way to create opportunities to give them grief. He will proudly admit to this.

9B. My parents are currently paying $30,000.00 per year to send him to Oregon State University, so he can train with the best pole vault coach in the country. He is in his second year. They have not taken out a loan. They paid cash. =$60,000.00

10. Just because I remembered it. About six years ago, my parents got their carpet ripped up and replaced with stone tile and hardwood. It cost them $20,000.00. Later that year when I asked for help with buying BOOKS FOR SCHOOL. I got yelled at and asked:

"When is this not our expense anymore?"

11. My sister recently got married. Our parents gave her and her husband the family pool table (I was fine with that, they have a house, it's a good place for it).

11B. They also spent $5,000.00 buying them a brand new top of the line washer/dryer set.


So, Understand me when I say. I was a little pissed off at what my father had to say.



They have taken care of me in many ways. They have always paid my car insurance, for one thing. They helped me get a new computer that I needed for school, they've helped me keep my car up and running.

BUT THINK FOR A SECOND.

It sure seems like the things I ask for are, well, essential to my continued survival.

And when you ring up the pricetag, I may not have been cheap, but I was one hell of a lot cheaper than either my brother or my sister. Both of whom have a history of treating our parents like shit.

For the record, my sister has since stopped doing that and turned into a warm, loving human being. Falling in love will do awesome things for your disposition.


But anyway.

If a man demandeth your purse, give him also the coat off your back.


By God's rules, we are not supposed to complain when we are mistreated. We are not even supposed to ask for help, really, except from God.

But here I was, way the hell out in Buffalo, with a car that seemed about to die.

Given the ocean of cash my parents have poured out on my brother and sister, the expense I was asking for help with seemed paltry. Minor. Insignificant.

But I don't ask for help often. With my brother (and only formerly) my sister, the requests were numerous, and large.

So on the rare occasions when I asked for something, it was a big deal. Why the hell can't he take care of himself?

A few weeks ago my father told me that I needed to stay in school and finish the PhD no matter what. Now, he's saying I need to keep up a job on the side as well.

Pardon my language. But that is fucking amazing to me.


So I called home and made my case to my mother. And guess what? I'm covered for whatever it takes to fix the car, and she deemed me to be %100 correct in my assessment of the situation!

She even apologized for the fact that I had to even make the case in the first place.

I love my mom. We haven't always gotten along, but she always does listen to logic.


But wasn't I supposed to just...not complain? Wasn't I supposed to just have faith? Isn't it a Biblical precept that I should have taken the mistreatment and asked God to bless them?

What should I have done? Seriously, you guys tell me. Should I have not complained about the unfairness of the disparity? Or was what I did at least acceptable.