Now then...

...So when last I posted, I was feeling unable to follow Orthodoxy for various reasons and I hadn't been to church in months.

Mostly it was the being alone part. Well, things have gotten complicated.

I don't know what kind of people you are, but some Orthodox would suck in a breath or bulge their eyes at me. Even though I can't see it, if that's what you're prone to, try to suppress the reflex.

I've got a girlfriend, but she's an Atheist.

But wait, there's more!

Her logic is that if you were going to be religious, you would have to be completely Orthodox, because either that holy book you believe in is true, or it isn't. And if it is, you are never ever allowed to change it just because you want to, like the Catholics and Protestants do.

But of course, she doesn't believe it. Didn't stop me from falling for her, but she doesn't.

So...if you're a long time reader of this blog, then you know that this has happened before. My first Girlfriend, Megan, was also an atheist. But she believed that religion was "A delusion people use because they're afraid of death."

So...in the end that one probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Lindsey, by contrast, simply disagrees with the conclusion that there is a God, but admits that it is just her opinion. Furthermore, she pointed out that if you're really an Atheist, death is nothing to be afraid of. But if you're religious, then death should scare you.

Wow! Cool eh? Consistent, well thought out logic.

If only the church would let me marry her.

When last I was still going to church it made me depressed. I would see people with their families. They had spouses and children, brothers and sisters...But not me. I was there all alone with nobody to go home to to share the struggle of the faith.
And because I wasn't married before I joined the church, I didn't even have a non-Orthodox wife for a companion. On top of which I lived alone for three years.

My sanity suffered somewhat from this.

So finally, along comes this girl and asks me out.

And the tragic irony is this: Her position on faith is infinitely more defensible than that of a Catholic girl that the Church would actually let me marry.


Anyway, that's where things are.

-Alexei

In the future...

Mike, when you leave a comment, leave some way for me to communicate with you directly. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but I don't want to have to change the settings on this Blog so that only people with blogger profiles can leave a comment.


Let be say a few things about your coment real quickly: One, it's tone and tennor were arrogant to my ears. You're a fresh convert. For you, everything is in crystal clear high definition focus. I imagine the inertia of your crismation will carry you for years to come, as It did for me.

If you've read the previous few entries in this Blog, then you're aware that I'm going through a spiritual ugly patch of my life. Admonishing me to jump back in and go read some books by the saints is really, really, really not the way to go about getting me back. I don't like being lectured to. Especially not by a new convert, high on the Holy Spirit, who enjoys the comforts of having a wife.

I'm not saying this because your post wasn't what I wanted to hear, I'm saying it because it made me even angrier with religion, the church, and faith in general, just by reading it.

As I explained in previous posts, it's not that I don't understand ALL OF THAT already. It's that I don't want to go back. And people don't do things they don't want to do.

I'm no deep philosopher, but the idea of preaching at someone in pain...it seems foolish.

"Buck up, go back to the drug you were taking for all those years and the pain will go away again..."

Swing and a miss, MikeP.

-Alexion

Out of the Woodworks

Come readers I didn't even know I had. Well, welcome to all of you.


I have a real knack for bitching here, so bear with me. I've got news:

I still haven't been to church in...however long. I fessed up to my priest about how I'm feeling.

And how am I feeling? Well, I have no problem whatsoever with any of the Orthodox teachings. It's just that my ability to care has been completely burned out. Allow me to illustrate this with a short play. It's called 'So What, Chicken Little?'

Chicken Little: "Alexei! Alexei! The sky is falling!"

Alexei: "Yeah, I saw it."

CL: "We must go and see the King!"

Alexei: "Yeah, probably."

CL: "Maybe you misheard me. I said the sky is falling."

Alexei: "Heard you fine. And you're right, there's a big chunk of it right there!"

CL: "Sweet God! I was hoping it was another acorn! But...there it is!"

Alexei: "You called it."

CL: "Your flat affect is a little disturbing."

Alexei: "It used to disturb me too, then I got tired."

CL: "So...sky...falling...we're going to go see the King, right?"

Alexei: "I'm tired CL"

CL: "Tired of what?"

Alexei: "Running. I can't keep up anymore."

CL: "But...that's the only thing there is to do!"

Alexei: "True. But I'm tired."

CL: "Tired of battling for your life? Then you'll die!"

Alexei: "Pay more attention. I wasn't doing to hot when I was really trying."

CL: "But it's the fact that you're trying at all that counts!"

Alexei: "Trying sucks ass. And it has been doing so for a long, long time."

CL: "So what will you do?"

Alexei: "No idea. But I can't keep running the race, I'm worn out."

CL: "How did that happen?"

Alexei: "I think it was because the race was all I ever had. Other people were taking breaks now and then, just pretending the race didn't exist for a while, whenever the race was inconvenient, and then they jumped back into it. So they were rested up."

CL: "But they were never supposed to stop running!"

Alexei: "That's what I thought. So I didn't. I kept running. I got tired, and they didn't."

CL: "But Alexei, they didn't really get rested up. Stopping the race like that just made them fall back behind. Even if you were falling on your ass ever six seconds, at least you were still running."

Alexei: "But you're forgetting something CL. Humans live inside their minds. If they think they're rested up, then they're rested up. They don't begrudge the difficult parts of Orthodoxy as much because, every once in a while, they take a 'vacation' from it. It's bogus logic, but...most of them still go to church."

CL: "You don't go anymore?"

Alexei: "I can't focus on it while I'm there, and it's painful to see all the families together. I don't have anything like that myself. But I think this state of things is my fault anyway."

CL: "How do you work that out?"

Alexei: "Well CL, it's like this. I tried to do too much. I think I took on a bigger challenge than I was ready for. I tried to do everything %100 for a while with no compromises and all the works. I had myself totally convinced that any deviation from Orthodoxy, however slight, was unacceptable, given that I knew better."

CL: "So...you never head of the Church's economy? How it tries to meet people halfway on account of plain old human weakness?"

Alexei: "I thought it only did that for people who honestly believed that the Church was wrong about something. That you had to somehow earnestly believe that what you were doing was right. I believed that the church had it all right. So since I knew better, I had no excuses for not doing everything exactly as prescribed."

CL: "...God you're messed up."

Alexei: "In retrospect yes. Here I thought that simply knowing what the truth is would give you the power to live it."

CL: "You need the church for that."

Alexei: "Ah, yes. But other people have churches as well. Heretics, apostates, infidels...even Atheists in a way. And a nasty thought occurred to me."

CL: "And?"

Alexei: "It occurred to me that 900 people drank the Kool-Aid."

CL: "You've lost me."

Alexei: "Jim Jones, leader of The Peoples Temple back in the seventies. They committed mass suicide in Guyana, Africa with poisoned Kool-Aid."

CL: "I think I see where you're going."

Alexei: "Go for it."

CL: "If a religious leader can convince people to do that, then they can convince people to believe in anything. Even what you believe."

Alexei: "That's almost exactly what I mean. The idea is what psychologists call 'reinforcement'. Simply by saying something over and over again, you'll believe it more and more."

CL: "You think you were brain washing yourself?"

Alexei: "Not quite. I came to Orthodoxy after a long period of research. The piece of shit 'church' I was in before that was a hell of a lot easier to live in that Orthodoxy is. Nobody cared about confessions, there was no fasting etc... I voluntarily put myself into something much more stringent and difficult, just based on reading, and the premise that Christianity is true."

CL: "And?"

Alexei: "If they only reason I had any drive to keep going to church, is because I kept going to church...how am I supposed to manifest any enthusiasm whatsoever for going back now? I just don't care anymore."

CL: "How long has this been going on?"

Alexei: "I'm not sure. For a while I forced myself to keep going on the logic that 'I'll go to hell if I don't'. Then I got angry at God for holding a gun to my head. 'Adhere to these rules or you'll burn in an eternal sea of my love that you rendered yourself incapable of co-existing with.'"

CL: "So you've been anesthetized against feeling anything regarding religion?"

Alexei: "I think so, yes. Something in me is broken CL."

CL: "Everyone is broken Alexei."

Alexei: "Yeah, but mine is really hard to fix. My motivation is broken. Everything else gets fixed by having motivation to do something about it. But my ability to care is literally exhausted. Whatever it takes to care about this stuff anymore...I ran out of it."

CL: "And you can't go get more because going to church is, more or less, an act of self brainwashing?"

Alexei: "No. It's more like a painkiller. Going to church kills the pain of living in the world and trying to adhere to Orthodox restrictions. But the pain always comes back. It was the endless repetitive cycle that I got sick of. That and, being lonely and single sucks ass."

CL: "You seem to think a lot of things 'suck ass'."

Alexei: "It's just an expression. Should I change it and use something else?"

CL: "No, no. It's nicely descriptive."

Alexei: "Anyway. People who have a family, a spouse, all that good stuff...they've got something to balm the pain that comes from the difficulty of living an orthodox life."

CL: "So, these people that have family and kids, their ability to care doesn't get burned out because they have something around to help keep them strong, and they have a real benefit of the Orthodox life right in front of them."

Alexei: "Exactly."

CL: "But you don't have these things, so you won't do it anymore."

Alexei: "Not won't. Can't. Literally can not do it anymore. Like I said, even when I'm there, it just painful to see other people with their families that they get so much joy out of, and the rest of the time I can't concentrate."

CL: "Wow. That sucks Alexei."

Alexei: "Thanks for understanding."

CL: "I still want to keep running though."

Alexei: "And you should. I would, except, like I said...I'm all tired out man."

CL: "I hope you can catch back up."

Alexei: "Me too. God Bless you CL."

CL: "And you as well, Alexei."

------------------------------------------------------

So, that about sums up my state of mind at the moment.

-Alexei

My Goodness...

...Look at that last post! I do seem to be having a shitty month. Maybe I should go to church again. It's been....however long. I think I've technically excommunicated myself at this point. Wait. that only takes 3 weeks with no communion. Which, come to think of it, was about how often I was getting it before summer when I kind of stopped going to church because of my summer job.

The entire idea of this experiment, the blog I mean, was to be totally, and even uninhibitedly honest. To do so where other Orthodox Christians could read it, and see what they though of it.

But I don't see anyone else doing it. Aren't we accountable for everything we do before God? If that's the case, why aren't other people doing what I'm doing?

Honesty is supposed to be good. But when you tell people the truth, and they don't like what they hear, you don't get credit for being honest, you get ditched. So the take away message seems to be, don't be honest.
Nah. That's just cynical.


If I'm supposed to be honest about what I'm feeling and thinking...and that honesty reveals things that make people not want to help me...how am I supposed to get any better?

Well how about that.

I remember once, a while back, some one commended me on the fact that I was unwilling to leave someone ignorant about me. This person knew that if I had an issue, or I was struggling with something, I felt that people deserved to know about it

Same person subsequently refused to help me out with something because of stuff they knew about me because of that policy of compete disclosure.

"It's awesome that you're so honest, that's really inspiring. But, um, since I do know about this...I feel like I shouldn't help you on this thing."

It was a simple request. Something you would do for people, giving them the benefit of the doubt. A stranger, about whom he knew nothing, who had no policy of disclosure, would have gotten this minor favor out of him.

But because he knew something that I had admitted, even though it wasn't directly related to what I was asking for, he refused to help me. But he thought my honesty was 'inspiring'.


It sort of makes me want to tell people in general to 'fuck off.'

A difficult thing to ask for.

I had a monk staying with me these past four days.

I told him how frustrated I was still being alone after however many years it's been now. Not as long as it feels like, I will admit. And he told me that unless I was at the point where I was willing to do things for God's sake alone, do things solely because I understand it to be what Christ would want, because I love Him, that nothing else would make me happy anyway.

I told him that having a companion would certainly alleviate some of the loneliness. He said that while loneliness is certainly suffering, and very difficult to deal with, you would have to be at a point where the love of Christ is all that motivates you to do anything in the first place before you could be happy even in a marriage.

The lowest form of love/fear of God is: I need this, please help me.

The middle form is: This is the right thing to do, because you said so.

The highest form is: I will do this because I love you.


Very well, I can see how that works now.

I understand that Orthodoxy is the truth. I understand that it needs to be followed because that is the right thing to do. Now I need to follow it for the love of Christ, not merely because it is correct.

It's the difference between needing music, supporting your local orchestra, and actually learning an instrument.

The musician plays because he loves music.
The Christian worships because he loves God.

I have been worshiping out of an earnest belief that it is the correct thing, unto itself, to do. While I am doing it, there are moments when I feel an earnest and sober joy from being there. Which, I suppose, is the love of God.

So I need to learn to love God without expectation.

I want to do that.

What I've worked out in my head is that you really do need to be willing to give up everything between you and the Lord. And then once you have, you will get everything back. Scripture says that we will.

I keep wondering, 'how much is enough?' and instantly realizing that even wondering that is wrong. You aren't expected to become perfect before gifts and blessings will rain down on you, you are expected to want to be perfect, for His sake. Then, and only then, when that is your hearts true desire, is it productive, and indeed, Holy, for you to move on with your life.

So that's what I need to do.

Alright, I know that now. And I want to do it.

Yeah, that'll show em!

An atheist group at the University of San Antonio is offering porn in exchange for bibles.


Quoth a student member of the 'Atheist Agenda': "We consider the bible to be a very negative force in the history of the world".

But magazines that sexually objectify women by showing them getting ejaculated on A-OK!

I love the logic!

Yes, people have murdered, raped, pillaged, and produced Christian Rock, all fueled by their personal interpretations of the bible.

People have also sacrificed their lives to save others, given money to help the poor, ditched drugs, and built cathedrals because of what they got out of the bible.

I love it when a simpleton with a big mouth starts spouting off in public. It's easy fodder for a guy like me who LOVES to skewer assholes that revel in their own inconsistency.

I would LOVE to see them try this shit with the Torah, or the Koran, or the Bhagavad Gita.

They would never DARE do this to the Jews, Muslims, Hindus or Buddhists.

Try as I might I cannot think of a word in common usage that means 'defaming Christians'. Maybe we need one.

-Alexion

You're not supposed to bitch.

If a man demandeth your purse, give him also your coat.


So we are commanded by God.


Well, I was hardly getting robbed, but I felt like I was getting screwed.


It all started with my car making some bad noise. The 'service engine soon' light went on in my dash. The engine had been sounding louder than normal for a while, like it was working harder than it should have to. But...nothing was not working, so I figured I just needed an oil change. Apparently, not the case.

Now the engine feels like it's shaking when I get up to speed, and it's even louder than it was before the oil change. And, of course, that little darling of a light is on. This is bad news. Mostly because, I'm a student, and I'm frigging broke all the time.

So spending a thousand dollars (I'm guessing wildly) on fixing my car is not an option. At all.

So I do what I have to do. I call my dad and tell him I'm going to need some help. I'm in the middle of work at Barnes and Noble, so I have to make the call quick. I call him back when I'm on a break. He assures me that they'll always help me, this time included, but that this is independence day, and that that should be a theme for me now. That I need to keep up a job on the side (along with school) to help pay for stuff like this.

Well, forgive me, it wasn't like I wasn't keeping busy. But moving on.

I tell him that I get the message loud and clear. We hang up.

I am, shall we say, a little pissed of by what he has just said to me.

Sounds ungrateful, doesn't it? I sound spoiled, don't I? Just because I'm in grad school, and therefore poor, doesn't mean I should expect mom and dad to dig me out of a hole with my car. Or that they should be happy about it if they do decide to help. Because, like, they have no obligation of course.

Well, not completely. As my parents, they are who I have to turn to.

And then, there's the fact that my dad was talking directly out of his ass.

What does that mean?


There are a few things you should know:

1. My parents did not pay for my college education. My grandparents did.

2. These are the same grandparents, that paid for my PARENTS college education. That's right. My grandparents put TWO generations of their families through college.

2B. They themselves were taking financial assistance from their parents until they were almost my age.

3. When my dad was FORTY YEARS OLD. He went back to school to get his MBA (Masters in Business Administration).

3B. His father paid for his tuition.

3C. His father gave him money for us to live on while he was taking classes. All in all, Graduate school cost my father almost no money whatsoever.

4. A few years before my dad went back to school, when he was unemployed for nine months, searching for a job, my mothers mother helped us out with money. He was Thirty-Eight years old at the time.

5. When I graduated from High School, I needed a car. My paternal Grandpa bought me one. New. My parents paid nothing for it. They did pay the insurance.

6. When my sister went to West Point military academy, all the way across the country (we lived in Arizona), my dad shelled out thousands of dollars getting us all plane tickets and hotel rooms to go and visit as often as we could. By contrast, I went to school in Tucson and I drove home for dinner every few weeks when they nagged me for a visit.

7. While my sister was a student, they flew her home whenever she wanted. This cost a lot of money.

7B. They also flew her FRIENDS for free. That's right, they gave away at least twenty free plane tickets to friends of my sister over the course of her years at West Point.

8. One year, when my sister met her future husband, she maxed out a credit card (several thousand dollars) buying plane tickets to go and visit him. For Christmas that year, they paid off her Visa.

A brief aside about my family dynamic. It simply never occured to me to run up a credit card bill buying plane tickets I couldn't afford. And if I'd asked for them from my parents, I think I would have gotten maybe one ticket, and then I would have gotten laughed at.

Kindall was a hellraiser. She was a mean, viscious person. And when she was being peaceful, my parents would do anything, pay out any money, to keep her that way as long as possible.


9. My brother treats our parents like dog shit. He screams at them, he calls them obscene names, he disrespects them at every opportunity. In fact, he goes out of his way to create opportunities to give them grief. He will proudly admit to this.

9B. My parents are currently paying $30,000.00 per year to send him to Oregon State University, so he can train with the best pole vault coach in the country. He is in his second year. They have not taken out a loan. They paid cash. =$60,000.00

10. Just because I remembered it. About six years ago, my parents got their carpet ripped up and replaced with stone tile and hardwood. It cost them $20,000.00. Later that year when I asked for help with buying BOOKS FOR SCHOOL. I got yelled at and asked:

"When is this not our expense anymore?"

11. My sister recently got married. Our parents gave her and her husband the family pool table (I was fine with that, they have a house, it's a good place for it).

11B. They also spent $5,000.00 buying them a brand new top of the line washer/dryer set.


So, Understand me when I say. I was a little pissed off at what my father had to say.



They have taken care of me in many ways. They have always paid my car insurance, for one thing. They helped me get a new computer that I needed for school, they've helped me keep my car up and running.

BUT THINK FOR A SECOND.

It sure seems like the things I ask for are, well, essential to my continued survival.

And when you ring up the pricetag, I may not have been cheap, but I was one hell of a lot cheaper than either my brother or my sister. Both of whom have a history of treating our parents like shit.

For the record, my sister has since stopped doing that and turned into a warm, loving human being. Falling in love will do awesome things for your disposition.


But anyway.

If a man demandeth your purse, give him also the coat off your back.


By God's rules, we are not supposed to complain when we are mistreated. We are not even supposed to ask for help, really, except from God.

But here I was, way the hell out in Buffalo, with a car that seemed about to die.

Given the ocean of cash my parents have poured out on my brother and sister, the expense I was asking for help with seemed paltry. Minor. Insignificant.

But I don't ask for help often. With my brother (and only formerly) my sister, the requests were numerous, and large.

So on the rare occasions when I asked for something, it was a big deal. Why the hell can't he take care of himself?

A few weeks ago my father told me that I needed to stay in school and finish the PhD no matter what. Now, he's saying I need to keep up a job on the side as well.

Pardon my language. But that is fucking amazing to me.


So I called home and made my case to my mother. And guess what? I'm covered for whatever it takes to fix the car, and she deemed me to be %100 correct in my assessment of the situation!

She even apologized for the fact that I had to even make the case in the first place.

I love my mom. We haven't always gotten along, but she always does listen to logic.


But wasn't I supposed to just...not complain? Wasn't I supposed to just have faith? Isn't it a Biblical precept that I should have taken the mistreatment and asked God to bless them?

What should I have done? Seriously, you guys tell me. Should I have not complained about the unfairness of the disparity? Or was what I did at least acceptable.